Get the wedding bells (and the life-sized piñatas) ready, because this episode of Sister Wives continues to center around Mykelti as she plans The Wedding Of The Century to Kody & Co.’s future mooch-in-law, Tony.
Last week, we watched as Mykelti and Tony demanded that the Browns shell out enough money to pay for 4,000 “real steak” tacos for 400 of their grifter pals, and this week, we get to watch the future newlyweds jam cake samples into their gullets, in addition to finding Mykelti a designer wedding gown.
As per usual, Mykelti acts like a demanding jerk-wad who thinks she’s way more interesting than she actually is. Tony has become so unlikable that he’s actually making Kody look like a winner. That’s how you know things are in a dark place.
We start things off with Mykelti and the assorted moms going dress shopping. Not one to miss an opportunity to have more air time, Tony demands that he go to the dress shop too. He claims he wants to make sure he likes the dress that Mykelti picks, because God forbid anything happens in this wedding that doesn’t have Tony’s big, greasy mitts all over it.
The moms, particularly Janelle (who seems to be unable to stop herself from visibly showing her disgust this season), are wondering why the hell Tony is strutting into a dress shop (wearing his Guy Fieri sunglasses, mind you).
“It’s the least romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Christine says. (Remember, this lady is married to Kody so she knows the meaning of “least romantic.”)
The crew enters the bridal shop and Tony is off! He’s like Tim Gunn, talking about dress designs and styles and lace. Of course, he’s nixing dresses left and right, not even giving poor Mykelti a chance to look at any herself.
Apparently, Tony is an expert on everything (just ask him!) He even knows the ins and outs of women’s lingerie, apparently, because he starts talking about which dresses will need push-up bras. He does, after all, seem to have the largest cup size in the group so that’s probably why he knows about that sort of thing…
OK, that was mean. I just can’t with this dude, though…
The bridal boutique owner is even shocked that Tony is here (and acting like such a jerk) but, hey, she gets her store on TV so she basically keeps her trap shut.
“Maybe in the 10 years we’ve been open, we’ve had 10 grooms come in,” she said. “Sometimes it’s good, sometimes you get too many opinions and the bride gets confused.”
Don’t worry, lady; Tony’s opinion is the only one that matters in this marriage.
Christine tells us that Tony, despite being a massive crapnozzle, is very in love with her daughter.
“He definitely loves Mykelti….and lusts Mykelti,” she says.
Eww. I don’t think your future mother-in-law needs to know about your lust.
The moms (and Tony) all pick out dresses for Mykelti to try on, and everyone seems to be having fun, despite Tony’s presence. (Even Meri cracked a smile!)
Mykelti goes into the dressing room and starts trying on dresses. As soon as she comes out of the room to show the group the dress, everyone starts giving their opinions. (This is, of course, the exact reason you bring people with you while wedding dress shopping.)
Mykelti is angry that these peons think that their opinions matter, so she “tricks” them into thinking she likes a horrible dress, hoping that they all feel bad about telling her it’s ugly and will shut their traps.
Ugh….put the girl in a potato sack and send her on her way. She’s intolerable.
Satisfied that she’s made her loved ones feel like crap, Mykelti takes off the ugly dress and tries on other ones…that look exactly like it. She eventually finds a dress she loves, and everyone thinks it’s great…except Tony. Naturally, Tony is the The Fashion Voice of Our Generation. I mean, the boy knows haute couture, as evident by the grease-soaked T-shirts he sports in every episode.
Not wanting to upset Tony, Mykelti doesn’t get the dress she likes. She also reveals that she wants to wear her hair up in a vintage style, but Tony nixes that idea too. Eventually Mykelti finds a frock that her fashionista fiancé approves off.
By the way, no one ever bothered to even look at a damn price tag for any of these dresses. I suppose if you’re already shelling out thousands for a paper mache’ Tony and Mykelti, what’s a few more grand, eh?
The next day, the gang tackles that pesky taco issue. Mykelti and Tony are still demanding 4,000 tacos, stating that they want to have 10 tacos for each guest to graze on while they watch all the piñata-beating, lame-Kody-speeching and whatever other nightmare-inducing events that these knuckleheads are planning.
They head back to the country club they are having this “simple” 400-person wedding at, and begin to sample some of the tacos the club’s chefs have created specifically for The Wedding Of The Century. Mykelti and Tony arrive at the table and as Mykelti reaches for a chair, Tony swats her away and tells her he’s sitting there.
Isn’t it romantic?!
It’s here we find out that Tony is already wearing his wedding band, despite being months away from The Wedding Of The Century. He tells the group it’s not fair that Mykelti gets to wear a ring to show people she’s engaged and he doesn’t, so he’s wearing the ring to collect extra attention, basically.
While Tony and Mykelti are set on having enough tacos to feed the state of Nevada, the parents are not having it. They want to allocate three tacos for each guest, because they aren’t really down to pay for a full-on fiesta for their family, all the friends and whatever rando people happen to show up because it’s “Mexican culture” to do so…according to Tony.
For once, even Kody is at a loss for words. Janelle, however, speaks up.
“Here’s the thing, if they’re not full, they can go to a burger place on the way home,” Janelle says. Ever the practical one, you can tell she’s sick of Tony sucking all of the money out of the Brown family finances.
Here’s a thought, Tony…why don’t you go to a burger place and, you know, work to earn enough money to pay for The Great Taco Caper.
Of course, Tony is not done with his demands. He is also insisting on having a tres leche wedding cake, even though it’s not physically possible and it’s not what Mykelti wants. Janelle stands up for her.
“I don’t know why but I just feel like Tony is running over Mykelti here,” Janelle says.
Tony has a simple solution to the problem: he says they can just have two cakes. Yeah, just add that on to the bill he isn’t paying.
In the end Mykelti and Tony decide on having a cake buffet. They will have “a bunch of different smaller cakes.” (All together now: “Cha-Ching! Cha-Ching!”)
Tony has announced that he will also be shoving the cake in Mykelti’s face even though she doesn’t want him to.
“I’ve tried to talk him out of it,” Mykelti says. “But it’s okay, I’ve accepted it.”
In the confessional, Mykelti says she’s marrying a guy that is just like her father.
“All of my favorite traits I love about my dad, I want in a husband,” she says.
It’s like we’ve entered ‘The Twilight Zone,’ people…
The mooching continues the next day when Tony, Mykelti and basically anyone with any blood relation to either them (or anyone who is sleeping with Kody, for that matter) heads to a cake shop to sample wedding cake flavors.
To be clear: the Browns trotted in like a dozen people to this poor woman’s shop for “sampling.” There’s three of the Sister Wives, Mykelti, Tony, some random friend, some of Tony’s relatives, Aspyn and basically anyone else that was interested in free desserts, all sitting down waiting to be served. Normally, the bride and groom do this on their own, with maybe one or two people joining them, but not the Browns!
We get to watch as Kody and Tony battle to be the most excruciatingly awful person at the table. Kody demands that his favorite flavor—mocha—get a double order, because apparently he plans to shovel it into his face as soon as the cake hits the table. Tony, meanwhile, is just plowing through the flavors, all while demanding his stupid tres leches cake. We watch them chug cake for a few more minutes before they mercifully cut to something else.
The next scene is quite the treat. If you thought watching Tony burrow through a dozen pieces of cake was fun, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!
Christine tells us that Mykelti has asked her to sing as part of her wedding festivities because… OF COURSE SHE DID. I mean, why wouldn’t you have your mother sing at your simple, not-fancy, country club, Mexican vintage, taco-and-piñata-filled wedding?!
Now, this would make total sense if Christine were, say, a classical trained singer, or an opera singer by trade or something. However, she has a voice that sort of just strangles you and makes you willing to cut your own ears off so you can make the pain stop.
Of course, Christine isn’t aware of this. While she admits that she doesn’t have a “great voice,” she describes herself as having “a nice singing voice.” She is, of course, wrong.
Christine is taking voice lessons before the wedding. (Cha–ching! Cha-ching!) She tells us that she will be performing a song called “Let Me Call You Sweetheart,” a song she says her grandpa used to sing to her grandma all the time.
She goes through the warm-up alright, but then proceeds to completely mangle this cute little song. Ol’ Gramps and Gram are gonna run for cover when they get a load of this!
Finally, we get to a non-wedding-related storyline of the episode. As we all know, Meri wants to buy her damn bed and breakfast in Utah, regardless of the fact (or, more likely because of the fact) that she will have to be at least three hours away from Kody and the rest of the motley crew for the majority of the time.
(She will however be closer to Tony, so that’s a minus, but she will basically rid herself of Kody, so that’s a plus.)
Meri talks all the gals into going to Utah to see the bed and breakfast she wants to buy. She has basically convinced the girls to let her have the money to buy it, but she’s still trying to talk Kody into opening up his wallet for something that is not directly related to himself and/or piñata versions of his children and their bummy fiancés.
Meri wants her bed and breakfast, though, and she wants it NOW!
“I don’t want Kody to be a party pooper because he’s being all logical,” she said.
Meri invites her mother and sisters along for the girls’ night.
“Having this home back in our family is something that I thought about for a good 20 years,” Meri says. “I hope my sister wives see its potential.”
The owner of the B&B says there is ghost in the house. Meri’s mother thinks it’s her great-grandmother that is haunting the place. Maybe she came back to tell all these women to leave Kody.
Things are going dandy until Meri reveals that she wants to turn a shed on the property into an apartment for herself so she has somewhere to live while she’s there. The other sister wives aren’t too keen on that idea because they want Meri to stay in Las Vegas with the family.
Can we ask…why? Meri has nothing holding her back in Vegas (except maybe her wet bar, of course). She seems to barely be able to tolerate her sister wives; she has a daughter who continues to let her know she detests her and she has Kody whom she barely even talks to and isn’t even legally married to anymore. Cut the cord and get on with your swinging single, bed-and-breakfast-running life, Meri!
Meri says she needs their support “emotionally and financially” to buy the house. The others point out that Meri is just not involved in their lives daily. Meri seems totally fine with that, too.
“They have kids at home, they’re taking care of their kids daily and I’m not,” Meri tells us. “And I’m not gonna go into their home and take care of their kids for them. I’m just not gonna happen. They don’t need it.”
Later, the sister wives are back in Vegas preparing for Mykelti’s bridal shower. They tell us that they have decided to lip sync and dance for all of Mykelti’s friends to the tune of “I Will Survive.” And, because that’s simply not mortifying enough for everyone involved, the wives will be jamming themselves into too-tight 1970s costumes purchased from the Party City after-Halloween bargain bin.
Why the hell is it that any time there’s a special event happening in this family, one or more of these buffoons has to turn all “Mary Poppins” and perform some sort of musical theater skit? Just eat some cake, let her open some gifts, pin the tail on the donkey and let guests be on their way. Why does there always have to be a performance!?
They start to practice and it’s just as embarrassing as you’d expect. Janelle is feeling (rightfully) self-conscious about participating in this horror show, but she dons some polyester pants and attempts to do the Hustle with her sister wives. Several of the background children get a load of what the moms are doing and just sit there and laugh hysterically at them. I can appreciate that.
After all the cake-shoveling, disco dancing, taco-demanding and whatnot, we get to the final scene, which shows Maddie and Caleb coming home for a visit with Kody and Janelle. They reveal that they have some news, and they hand each parent a small box. You seriously would have to be as dumb as a doornail (or be Kody) to not see what’s coming here…
Kody opens his box and pulls out a pacifier. It takes him a minute to understand what Maddie and Caleb are trying to tell them: Maddie is pregnant. Janelle is overcome with tears. Kody, though, knows he has to say something completely inane and cringeworthy to be worthy of such an important moment.
“You know how that happens right? I thought you guys were going to wait forever!” Kody tells his daughter, who looks like she wants to hide under the couch because her dad is discussing her sex life…on TV nonetheless.
Janelle is still crying happy tears, but Kody is already thinking about how this news will affect him.
“I’m too young to be a grandpa, what’s up?” Kody adds. “I just had a baby myself, that’s awesome.”
He then reveals that he doesn’t want to be overshadowed, not even by the birth of his first grandchild, so he vows to have another baby of his own. (Poor Robyn better use the deadbolt on her door if she wants to keep her womb safe from being injected with yet another Spawn ‘o’ Kody!)
Maddie and Caleb are both ecstatic about the pregnancy but Maddie wants to wait a while to tell the rest of the family so that they don’t steal Mykelti’s taco-filled wedding thunder. It’s nice to see that at least one person in this family isn’t a complete selfish douche-nozzle.
Next week, Maddie and Caleb move back into Janelle’s house for some reason and Mykelti has her bridal shower.
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recap, click here!