‘Counting On’ Season 5 Episode 3 Recap: Hoarding Books & A Hillbilly Waterslide

“Hey Jessa, wouldn’t it be neat-o if I kept these goggles on while we had the intercourse tonight?”

If you thought last week’s episode of Counting On was non-stop action, what with us literally watching the paint on Jinger and Jeremy’s walls dry and all, this week they’ve got a real treat for us: they’re installing book shelves! Ooooh….ahhh…

If you have a history of heart problems, you may want to exit this recap now. It may be too much excitement for ya!

We start off in “Land of the Bad Google Translation Spanish,” Laredo, Texas, where Jeremy and Jinger are still working on remodeling their new house. Last week, the Duggar slave laborers came down to help Jing and Jer fix up their kitchen and living room, so now it’s time for Jeremy’s officina to get some love.

Raise your hand if you’re tired of hearing about Jeremy’s damn books?

Of course, Jeremy’s still all butt-hurt that Jessa stashed his beloved books into a closet awhile back, so now he’s making sure everyone knows how important his hundreds of books are. In fact, he is having the “el workeros” build custom bookshelves to replace the crappy mismatched ones he already had.

Riveting stuff here, guys….

Jinger and Jeremy struggle to maneuver their old bookcase out of the house, despite the “tight squeeze” and “irregular shape.” Oh, and Jeremy telling Jinger “we need every inch.”

I mean, at this point, they’re kind of making it too easy on us, right?

Next we hee-haw it down to Arkansas, where even more action is taking place. At the Seewald House ‘o’ Mold, Jessa has brought out her hair-cutting tools (which are also most likely used to cut the baby cords when she or one of her sisters shoot out a kid in the living room every two years). She’s going to give Ben a haircut, and then give The Spurge his very first cut.

“Jessa says that if I hold real still during my haircut, she’ll let me be her special helper for the rest of the night!”

We learn that Jessa has been the Duggar family hairdresser since she was about 12, given that there was no way ol’ Jim Bob was gonna shell out the $8.99 for each of his sons to get their bowl cut at the Supercuts.

After draping Ben with a plastic cape, Jessa goes to work on Ben’s head, giving him a twist on the classic “Jim Bob” style. (Of course, Ben is not usually allowed near any sort of sharp object—even felt tip pens are pushing it. However, Jessa makes an exception when she needs to clip his wig.)

“Say it!”
“OK, OK, you can wear pants!”

Jessa tells us it’s time for Spurgeon to get his first trim because he’s starting to get mistaken for a girl in public. (Uh oh, better not tell Uncle Derick…we all know how he feels about that sort of thing!)

Of course, because this is ‘Counting On,’ we don’t just get to watch the kid get a few curls clipped off….oh nooo. We are forced to sit through a bunch of the Duggar nitwits talk about their first haircuts.

No, seriously.

They get Jed and Jer up there and they giggle and grunt through their interview. (We can only hope that they, along with Ben, are this way because they are smokin’ some wacky tobaccy out by the birthing pool or something. They can’t really be this stupid and be sober…can they?)

The Spurge is set down on Ben’s lap and Jessa goes in with some scissors. After about five snips, Jessa calls it quits and she and Ben marvel over Spurge’s before and after… which looks exactly the same.

“Maybe no one will recognize me now!”

Back at the Vuolos’ house, it’s time to build Jeremy’s bookshelves and subject the poor carpenters to listening to him speak Espanol a la Google again. As if assaulting their native tongue isn’t bad enough, Jeremy insists on helping the workers, despite not having a clue of what he’s doing.

(Does anyone think that when Jana was there, she totally talked crap on everyone else, in perfect Spanish, to these guys? That’s just my hope, anyway…)

Something tells me Jing gave Jeremy similar feedback after their wedding night…

While Jeremy is busy messing up the “el worko,” we head over to the Duggar Compound, where Joe, Kendra and a van full of Duggar spawn are heading out to shop for ties, socks and belts for Joe’s upcoming wedding.

This is cutting edge television right here, folks!

Being that the secret word “wedding” was uttered, we’re forced to sit through yet another flashback, this time about the groomsmen apparel of past Duggar weddings.

Basically all of us viewers as we watch this episode…

In every wedding, we see the Duggar boys in some sort of garb, along with Jim Bob in his trusty gray suit, grinning ear-to-ear thinking about the ratings this episode is going to get. (There’s also Michelle wearing some horrific long dress in each wedding, and clonking around in what appears to be Frankenstein waitress shoes. For goodness sakes, someone help Michelle with her footwear for Joe’s wedding!)

Over at Austin and Joy’s RV of Love, the couple is whipping up some dinner as ants crawl all over the counter. HOT.

In addition to having bugs crawl on their food, Joy and Austin also get to take turns emptying the RV’s sewage tank, and fighting off mice. And, naturally, they’re probably humping like rabbits  on their ant-covered, unwashed sheets. Oh…and because they don’t have a working shower anywhere on their property, we can only imagine what that RV smells like after a few weeks in the Arkansas summer heat!

Now that’s a picture, ain’t it?!

Before hitting the sheets, Austin and Joy decide to make a romantic dinner and eat it in their gutted house. They carry the ant-covered food and bowls of bagged salad into the area of the house that will eventually become the kitchen and eat, discussing how they’re going to decorate the house when it is finally finished.

This date is almost sadder than Joe and Kendra’s disc golf outing.

And, because we’re dealing with the Duggars here, the creepy producers ask the mandatory nursery question. It almost feels dirty, considering that Joy is only like 19 and acts like she’s about 13. Yes, she’s married and it’s legal and all that for her to have a baby, but…that doesn’t make it any less icky feeling.

“You people realize she’s barely legal to buy a lottery ticket, right? Geez.”

Back in Texas, in typical ‘Counting On’ fashion, we’ve managed to watch yet another mundane task be stretched out through an entire episode. This time, it’s Jeremy and his damn bookshelf. Jeremy can barely contain his excitement as he sits in the room that’s filled from floor to ceiling with books.

He tells us that he’s more excited for his books, than he is for himself, because they deserve a nice place to live. Um…OK, so Jeremy must also be smoking that special Duggar strain of Satan Grass, right? That’s the only explanation for whatever is happening here.

“That was some wicked weed, man.”

Later, the whole Duggar clan decides to throw a “water fun day” with the kids at the Duggar compound. Poor Jana’s probably been up since dawn, filling inflatable pools with air, mowing the yard and making sure there’s clean “Wholesome Wear” bathing attire for the entire family.

Before they head over, Jessa and Ben enjoy some lunch. We learn that Baby Henry has a wicked case of eczema on his noggin and is forced to wear socks on his hands to keep him from scratching. (Off-camera Jessa probably makes Ben wear a sock over his mouth to keep him from talking.)

Not even gonna lie…Henry got the better deal. I’d take having a little eczema over being saddled with the name ‘Spurgeon’ any day!

Ben recently purchased a lychee, so naturally, we have to watch as the Duggars struggle to understand what the hell that is. (Does anyone else think that the producers/editors ask the Duggars these questions to prove what nitwits they are, and to kind of show how terrible Michelle’s Kitchen Table School House was?)

Josiah, one of the brains of the family, confuses “lychee” for “leche” and suggests that it’s milk. (Hell, he speaks better Spanish than Jinger and Jeremy, we’ll give him that.) The Beavis twins have no idea what the hell a “lychee” is but start cracking up at the concept. (Jesus, give it a rest, guys. Even Cheech and Chong take a day off from the weed every once in a while!)

Once everyone has pondered the lychee for long enough, they all head over to the Duggar compound, where a big, long piece of plastic has been placed going down the front hill to be a slip-and-slide. The Duggars tell us they’ve been doing this since they first moved into their house years ago.

Naturally, though, no water fun day can be complete without the appropriate modest swimwear. The boys are dressed in long swim trunks and T-shirts (no man nipples in sight!) while the poor girls are forced to wear long pants (one of them is legit wearing Adidas striped workout pants in the water…ew) with SKIRTS over the pants.

Jim Bob take the wheel!

“And I had my Wholesome Wear swim garb all ready to go too…thanks a lot, Derick!”

Perhaps no one is rejoicing in the Fundie Fun Day attire more than Kendra. She proudly trots out with Joe, dressed in T-shirt, to-the-knee leggings, a black skirt and what looks like some sort of pink apron to cover her nether-regions, ensuring no one is getting a look at her goods until her wedding night. (Can’t blame her; after all, Josh may be looking down on them from the upstairs window, hoping to sneak a peek!)

What in the H-E-double hockey sticks…?

Joe says that he didn’t really want to do all the water fun and whatnot, but Kendra really, really wants to do it. (We know this because she keeps saying she loves to get wet…again, too easy.)

After a wild ride down the slip-and-slide tarp, Joe and Kendra tumble off their joint tube and—gasp!—actually touch knees and other assorted body parts! Thank the Baby Jim Bob that Kendra had the good sense to wear that five-layer bathing suit!

I’m honestly surprised Jim Bob didn’t sit between them on the tube…

Absent from the water festivities are the two people who could use a good hose-off: Joy and Austin. They’re probably bunking down in the RV until Joy can emerge with a belly full of blessing!

No one in the group seems to be having more fun than Ben, though. (The day is mostly for the younger kids, so it makes sense that Ben would be enjoying it so much.) He decides to plan a sneak attack on the Duggar clan, and enlists one of the background boys (who is wearing JEANS to a water fun day, mind you) to help him blow up water balloons.

“Huhuhuhhuh…water balloons are cool…and stuff…”

Ben is giggling like Jed and Jer after a mad toke. He’s so excited about his water balloon ambush. He hides behind a bush to ensure Jessa doesn’t seem him and put him in time out for horsing around. Then, he starts pelting Duggars with water balloons, even smacking one of the babies straight in the face. (Not gonna lie…I kind of watched that about five times.)

“And you people wonder why I’m not rushing to marry one of these yutzes?”

One of the depressed-looking pre-teen Duggar girls rushes to tend to the crying baby, practicing for the day in a few year that she will have a litter of crying blessings on her own!

Next week we’ll see the Vuolos host some out of town guests (probably so Jeremy can show off his bookshelves) and we get to watch Kendra shop for her wedding dress… again.

To read our recap of the previous ‘Counting On’ episode, click here!

(Photos: TLC)

5 Responses

  1. I’ve figured out why this show is sooo boring. There is no story telling conflict. In every story, there has to be a struggle (man vs. Man, man vs. The elements, man vs himself, etc). Yet there is no obstacle to overcome. No one argues, no one potentially fails or ever gets upset. It’s all smiles all the time. I’m not saying they should manufacture drama just for the show, but show real life! Between 19 kids plus spouses, there are bound to be issues. Otherwise it’s just people following them around as they go to the store, and who cares about that?

    1. yeah, they have said they consider the show their “ministry” so it’s no surprise they don’t show any actually interesting drama or tension. I guess they think the sheer size of their family and the fact that they don’t kiss before marriage makes them interesting enough to watch. Only thing good about the show is The Ashley’s recaps!

    2. I agree they need to be more real if this show is going to continue on. I don’t understand why Jinger cannot wear pants during filming, for instance. There is obviously issues going on with Jill and Derek, talk about them as it may help others who struggle. Kudos to Ben for playing with all the kids and to Jeremy for wanting to help out the workers, two things many males would turn their noses up to.

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