This week, Jersey Shore Family Vacation was full of poopy situations…and, no we’re not talking about Mike Sorrentino!
Things were a mess—both physically and emotionally—thanks to a lot of liquor, some old sexcapades and, in Ronnie’s case, too many helpings of lasagna.
This episode starts off where we left off last week. As you may recall, Snooki lost her wedding ring and was screaming and crying that the lost ring was going to “ruin her marriage.”
The episode picks up with most of the roommates crawling around the backyard looking for her lost ring. Meanwhile, Snooki is sobbing on the duck phone to her dad, wailing that she wants to come home. (It’s nice that she’s being so proactive in trying to find her lost ring.)
Suddenly, Vinny spots the ring, and Deena digs it out of the grass. It apparently flew off of Snooki’s orange mitt while she was using her hands to expressively talk to the roommates out by the pool.
The crisis is averted, with the ring found and back on Snooki’s finger. Still, though, Snooki is thinking about going home because she misses her husband and kids (and probably knows she’s going to embarrass them during this sure-to-be-a-s**tshow of a trip.)
In the end, Ronnie convinces Snooki to stay, and everyone passes out to sleep off the night.
The next morning, Mike and Jenni are talking about what trainwrecks they were during the ‘Jersey Shore’ season that was filmed in Italy. Jenni reveals that she was all whacked out on uppers and downers, and actually had a secret miscarriage right before she left for Italy. Mike says that, he too, was basically a bloated, drugged-out pile of crap for the majority of the seasons of the show.
While they chit-chat, Ronnie is creating his own pile of crap upstairs…literally. He is basically blowing up the toilet to ungodly levels, creating a toxic sewage dump in the guest bathroom (as you do).
He’s relaxing as he lets it flow but suddenly realizes he has a “Situation” on his hands. The toilet won’t flush, and what he just left in the bowl could probably be classified as nuclear waste.
Instead of alerting his roommates of the butt mud he just left in the toilet, he trots downstairs and acts like nothing has happened. SAVAGE.
The group decides to go rock climbing. (It’s no wonder Ronnie wants to do something physical. He just dropped about nine pounds into that poor guest toilet!)
“Sometimes us Guidos like to do something more than just drink and GTL,” Pauly D says.
The gang goes to a rock climbing gym and gets suited up in the gear. The girls are scared to climb the wall, so the guys go first.
Vinny is having a difficult time getting to the top. The roommates assume it’s his new, healthy “Keto” diet that’s making him so weak.
“Come on, Keto Guido!” Pauly yells. “You can’t rock climb on Keto. You don’t got enough energy, not enough calories.”
After Vinny’s pathetic showing, it’s the girls’ turn. Snooki, who has decided to wear jean shorts and a see-through lace body suit for this athletic adventure, faces off with Deena. At some point during the rock climbing, Ronnie must have tipped his roommates off about the toilet apocalypse he left back at the house, because the girls make a bet, pledging that the loser will clean up Ronnie’s mess.
Snooki and Deena scurry up the wall, and Deena leaves Snooki in the dust.
“Who knew meatballs could roll uphill?” Pauly asks.
When they get back, Snooki suits up to clean the toilet. She seems to have no idea what she will soon be facing, but takes a few sips of wine to prepare herself. She dresses herself in a trash bag and gloves and heads upstairs. She looks into the bathroom and screams, begging Deena to come help her.
The rest of the group runs up to see how bad Ronnie’s mess actually is. As the gang enters the bathroom, they all begin covering their mouths and screaming. Deena even begins to dry heave. She strips her gloves off and tells Snooki that no friendship is worth cleaning that crap up.
Snooki continues to drink her wine, as the scent of Ronnie’s rump-chili fills the air. She gets in there and attempts to plunge the toilet but is not successful in getting the septic system to accept Ronnie’s mess. They agree that they’ll have to call a plumber.
It’s official: we all have no life. We legit just spent like 15 minutes of our lives watching people discuss Ronnie’s poop.
Later that night, Ronnie’s girlfriend (who, mind you, is subjected to his toilet leavings every day, bless her heart) calls the house and Vinny answers the phone. Jen, Ronnie’s pregnant girlfriend, informs Vinny that she already has one child who is almost 12.
“Holy s**t!” Vinny responds. “He is almost older than Ronnie. He’s definitely taller than Ronnie.”
Ronnie gets on the phone and fails to reveal to his future baby mama that he nearly single-handedly took out the Miami sewage system. They talk about…nothing, basically. Their conversation is similar to those you have with a stranger while you’re both waiting for the elevator. It’s incredibly awkward.
After speaking with his girlfriend, Ronnie turns to the Sammi doll (who, like the rest of the cast, is looking more haggard by the minute) and says, “That’s what a normal relationship is like Sam.”
Pauly D says he thinks Ronnie is still in love with Sam because he always brings her up.
Soon, though, the caaaabbbsss are here and it’s time for everyone to go get wasted on a Sunday at a day bar. Vinny is actually the ringleader, telling everyone that he now enjoys a good “Sunday Funday.”
The gang crawls into several cabs, but Snooki refuses to sit next to Vinny in the cab. It’s completely random and seemingly out of left field, but Pauly agrees to switch seats with Vinny so Snooki doesn’t dare touch knees with her former hookup partner.
Vinny tells us that Snooki’s husband Jionni doesn’t like him because he used to bang it out with Snooki. Vinny doesn’t like the weird vibe that’s going on between him and Snooki, and tells us that he just wants to be friends with her again.
He decides that the best way to go about this is to basically dry-hump her every chance he gets. Of course, he comes to this conclusion after taking numerous “Sunday Funday” shots. (And, remember, this is the “Keto Guido” we’re dealing with so he could probably have been taken down with one Mike’s Hard Lemonade!)
Everyone is getting trashed, except for Mike, who tells us that he doesn’t need drinks to have a good time anymore. Instead, he is focusing on the variety of fried meat products and appetizers that have been ordered for the group.
Vinny is now “Snooki-on-the-beach” level drunk, and decides to get his Keto Guido body painted with the Italian flag across his chest. Ronnie decides to once again bring up Sam and get “who wrote the note” spray-painted on his chest.
Ronnie proudly shows off his paint to the group, who all seem to be secondhand embarrassed for poor Ron. (Geez, buddy, why don’t you just bring the Sammi blowup doll into the bar bathroom and go to town! Get it all out of your system! It’s getting weird…)
At the bar, Vinny is trying to grind on Snooki and she isn’t having it.
“We’re friends, but we are not friends like that” Snooki says as she literally dives over Deena and Mike to get away from Vinny.
Later that night, the gang is back at the house and Vinny is still determined to make Snooki his friend…via dry-hump. She’s setting up to do a confessional when Vinny appears. He’s bare-chested and attempts to grab her. It’s getting a bit, um, rapey, isn’t it? One of the producers needs to take Vin outside and hose him off.
Snooki manages to escape Vinny’s embrace, and runs off screaming that he’s trying to ruin her marriage.
Out in the kitchen, Vinny asks her what the “ground rules” are and she gets mad.
“You’re disrespecting my husband now, stop,” she tells him. “He’s gonna get pissed. Stop.”
She keeps telling him this is going to “ruin her marriage.” (Maybe Snooki and her husband need to seek some marriage counseling if everything is going to “ruin her marriage?” These ‘Jersey Shore’ people are no strangers to the Marriage Boot Camp, after all!)
Some of the roommates tell Snooki that it may be a good idea for her to actually tell Vinny what is OK and what’s not OK, but she’s not having it. Snooki storms upstairs warning Vinny not to “f**k with my family.”
She begins packing her suitcases once again. (They’re already out from the last time she threatened to leave the night before). She starts crying about how she doesn’t want to disrespect her husband.
Jenni realizes that yet another crap storm is brewing (and this time it’s not because of something Ronnie ate). She goes upstairs and tries to tell Snooki that she should just tell Vinny what the boundaries are. Snooki gets mad and calls Jenni an idiot. This sets Jenni off, turning her into the Jwoww we all remember.
Snooki is now screaming that Jenni is also trying to ruin her marriage by bringing up the fact that Snooki cheated on Jionni with Vinny way back when they had just first started dating.
The episode ends with Snooki and Jenni screaming at each other and the rest of the gang heading upstairs to watch the inevitable Jerry Springer-esque guidette fight.
To read our previous ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ recap, click here!