‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: A Destroyed Toilet & A Drunken Keto Guido

Does anyone else think Sammi may use this image as her next Christmas card?

This week, Jersey Shore Family Vacation was full of poopy situations…and, no we’re not talking about Mike Sorrentino!

Things were a mess—both physically and emotionally—thanks to a lot of liquor, some old sexcapades and, in Ronnie’s case, too many helpings of lasagna.

This episode starts off where we left off last week. As you may recall, Snooki lost her wedding ring and was screaming and crying that the lost ring was going to “ruin her marriage.”

The episode picks up with most of the roommates crawling around the backyard looking for her lost ring. Meanwhile, Snooki is sobbing on the duck phone to her dad, wailing that she wants to come home. (It’s nice that she’s being so proactive in trying to find her lost ring.)

Suddenly, Vinny spots the ring, and Deena digs it out of the grass. It apparently flew off of Snooki’s orange mitt while she was using her hands to expressively talk to the roommates out by the pool.

Snooki, every 10 minutes during this entire episode…

The crisis is averted, with the ring found and back on Snooki’s finger. Still, though, Snooki is thinking about going home because she misses her husband and kids (and probably knows she’s going to embarrass them during this sure-to-be-a-s**tshow of a trip.)

In the end, Ronnie convinces Snooki to stay, and everyone passes out to sleep off the night.

The next morning, Mike and Jenni are talking about what trainwrecks they were during the ‘Jersey Shore’ season that was filmed in Italy. Jenni reveals that she was all whacked out on uppers and downers, and actually had a secret miscarriage right before she left for Italy. Mike says that, he too, was basically a bloated, drugged-out pile of crap for the majority of the seasons of the show.

While they chit-chat, Ronnie is creating his own pile of crap upstairs…literally. He is basically blowing up the toilet to ungodly levels, creating a toxic sewage dump in the guest bathroom (as you do).

“Do you smell that? It’s like rotting corpses mixed with…marinara sauce?”

He’s relaxing as he lets it flow but suddenly realizes he has a “Situation” on his hands. The toilet won’t flush, and what he just left in the bowl could probably be classified as nuclear waste.

Instead of alerting his roommates of the butt mud he just left in the toilet, he trots downstairs and acts like nothing has happened. SAVAGE.

When you just dumped a toxic load in the toilet and you’re trying to act casual…

The group decides to go rock climbing. (It’s no wonder Ronnie wants to do something physical. He just dropped about nine pounds into that poor guest toilet!)

“Sometimes us Guidos like to do something more than just drink and GTL,” Pauly D says.

The gang goes to a rock climbing gym and gets suited up in the gear. The girls are scared to climb the wall, so the guys go first.

Vinny is having a difficult time getting to the top. The roommates assume it’s his new, healthy “Keto” diet that’s making him so weak.

“Come on, Keto Guido!” Pauly yells. “You can’t rock climb on Keto. You don’t got enough energy, not enough calories.”

“It took my nine years but I finally have a ‘Jersey Shore’ nickname!”

After Vinny’s pathetic showing, it’s the girls’ turn. Snooki, who has decided to wear jean shorts and a see-through lace body suit for this athletic adventure, faces off with Deena. At some point during the rock climbing, Ronnie must have tipped his roommates off about the toilet apocalypse he left back at the house, because the girls make a bet, pledging that the loser will clean up Ronnie’s mess.

Snooki and Deena scurry up the wall, and Deena leaves Snooki in the dust.

“Who knew meatballs could roll uphill?” Pauly asks.

When they get back, Snooki suits up to clean the toilet. She seems to have no idea what she will soon be facing, but takes a few sips of wine to prepare herself. She dresses herself in a trash bag and gloves and heads upstairs. She looks into the bathroom and screams, begging Deena to come help her.

My face when they showed a little of what was in the toilet bowl…

The rest of the group runs up to see how bad Ronnie’s mess actually is. As the gang enters the bathroom, they all begin covering their mouths and screaming. Deena even begins to dry heave. She strips her gloves off and tells Snooki that no friendship is worth cleaning that crap up.

Snooki continues to drink her wine, as the scent of Ronnie’s rump-chili fills the air. She gets in there and attempts to plunge the toilet but is not successful in getting the septic system to accept Ronnie’s mess. They agree that they’ll have to call a plumber.

“Um, yeah, hi, I’m looking for a plumber who’s blind and has no sense of smell?”

It’s official: we all have no life. We legit just spent like 15 minutes of our lives watching people discuss Ronnie’s poop.

Later that night, Ronnie’s girlfriend (who, mind you, is subjected to his toilet leavings every day, bless her heart) calls the house and Vinny answers the phone. Jen, Ronnie’s pregnant girlfriend, informs Vinny that she already has one child who is almost 12.

“Holy s**t!” Vinny responds. “He is almost older than Ronnie. He’s definitely taller than Ronnie.”

Ronnie gets on the phone and fails to reveal to his future baby mama that he nearly single-handedly took out the Miami sewage system. They talk about…nothing, basically. Their conversation is similar to those you have with a stranger while you’re both waiting for the elevator. It’s incredibly awkward.

“Help a brother out! Someone tell me her name again!”

After speaking with his girlfriend, Ronnie turns to the Sammi doll (who, like the rest of the cast, is looking more haggard by the minute) and says, “That’s what a normal relationship is like Sam.”

Pauly D says he thinks Ronnie is still in love with Sam because he always brings her up.

Soon, though, the caaaabbbsss are here and it’s time for everyone to go get wasted on a Sunday at a day bar. Vinny is actually the ringleader, telling everyone that he now enjoys a good “Sunday Funday.”

The gang crawls into several cabs, but Snooki refuses to sit next to Vinny in the cab. It’s completely random and seemingly out of left field, but Pauly agrees to switch seats with Vinny so Snooki doesn’t dare touch knees with her former hookup partner.

Deena’s face says it all…

Vinny tells us that Snooki’s husband Jionni doesn’t like him because he used to bang it out with Snooki. Vinny doesn’t like the weird vibe that’s going on between him and Snooki, and tells us that he just wants to be friends with her again.

He decides that the best way to go about this is to basically dry-hump her every chance he gets. Of course, he comes to this conclusion after taking numerous “Sunday Funday” shots. (And, remember, this is the “Keto Guido” we’re dealing with so he could probably have been taken down with one Mike’s Hard Lemonade!)

Everyone is getting trashed, except for Mike, who tells us that he doesn’t need drinks to have a good time anymore. Instead, he is focusing on the variety of fried meat products and appetizers that have been ordered for the group.

“Does anyone know how many macro-nutrients are in cheap vodka?”

Vinny is now “Snooki-on-the-beach” level drunk, and decides to get his Keto Guido body painted with the Italian flag across his chest. Ronnie decides to once again bring up Sam and get “who wrote the note” spray-painted on his chest.

Ronnie proudly shows off his paint to the group, who all seem to be secondhand embarrassed for poor Ron. (Geez, buddy, why don’t you just bring the Sammi blowup doll into the bar bathroom and go to town! Get it all out of your system! It’s getting weird…)

At the bar, Vinny is trying to grind on Snooki and she isn’t having it.

“Sooooo….outercourse is off-limits?”

“We’re friends, but we are not friends like that” Snooki says as she literally dives over Deena and Mike to get away from Vinny.

Later that night, the gang is back at the house and Vinny is still determined to make Snooki his friend…via dry-hump. She’s setting up to do a confessional when Vinny appears. He’s bare-chested and attempts to grab her. It’s getting a bit, um, rapey, isn’t it? One of the producers needs to take Vin outside and hose him off.

Snooki manages to escape Vinny’s embrace, and runs off screaming that he’s trying to ruin her marriage.

Out in the kitchen, Vinny asks her what the “ground rules” are and she gets mad.

“You’re disrespecting my husband now, stop,” she tells him. “He’s gonna get pissed. Stop.”

“Fine! Can I at least tell you about the benefits of a carb-free lifestyle!?”

She keeps telling him this is going to “ruin her marriage.” (Maybe Snooki and her husband need to seek some marriage counseling if everything is going to “ruin her marriage?” These ‘Jersey Shore’ people are no strangers to the Marriage Boot Camp, after all!)

Some of the roommates tell Snooki that it may be a good idea for her to actually tell Vinny what is OK and what’s not OK, but she’s not having it. Snooki storms upstairs warning Vinny not to “f**k with my family.”

She begins packing her suitcases once again. (They’re already out from the last time she threatened to leave the night before). She starts crying about how she doesn’t want to disrespect her husband.

Basically everyone’s face as they watch Nicole during this episode…

Jenni realizes that yet another crap storm is brewing (and this time it’s not because of something Ronnie ate). She goes upstairs and tries to tell Snooki that she should just tell Vinny what the boundaries are. Snooki gets mad and calls Jenni an idiot. This sets Jenni off, turning her into the Jwoww we all remember.

Snooki is now screaming that Jenni is also trying to ruin her marriage by bringing up the fact that Snooki cheated on Jionni with Vinny way back when they had just first started dating.

“Lemme go grab some gluten-free popcorn!”
“No time, bro, they’re about to box!”

The episode ends with Snooki and Jenni screaming at each other and the rest of the gang heading upstairs to watch the inevitable Jerry Springer-esque guidette fight.

To read our previous ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ recap, click here!

(Photos: MTV)

10 Responses

  1. IDK?
    I thought they might be a bit more mature and actually have other interests.
    Instead, they are getting shyte faced, going to clubs, making fools out of themselves and the guys are still bringing home strays..
    Kind of Pathetic,
    Personally, I think this is all scripted BS.

  2. I think producers are making Ronnie talk about Sammi so much, I don’t think “who wrote the note” was his idea. No way he remembers that.

    ps. Thank you Mike for reminding us of Mike vs The Wall! And remember, here are walls of solid concrete, we don’t want to see you hurt now that you are the most likable member of the cast. (Which I would NEVER EVER think would happen years ago).

  3. I never watched this show before, unfortunately, but I am now here for the trash! 😀 I can’t believe Ronnie clogged that many toilets. What was he doing? Using bar towels as toilet paper? It’s so obvious that Ronnie still has a thing for Sammi. I kind of feel bad for his girlfriend. There are so many references about prior episodes that it’s hard to understand everything that happened before, but from what I gather, Nicole used to pee in pools and on a dance floor (once?) and cheated on Jionni with Vince, Ronnie and Sammi dated but had a crap relationship, Mike used to be an alcoholic nightmare, Pauly D seems to be a funny player who also plays peacemaker, Vinnie…I have no idea what he used to be like other than he used to eat carbs, and Deena…I don’t know either. I haven’t seen anything about Angelina yet except they make disparaging comments about her sometimes

  4. Agree^
    Jioni has always hated the “Snookie” part of Nicole. She trapped him with baby Gonzo. You could tell he was miserable about it. And now she’s peeing in pools and nip slipping everywhere, this might just be the push he needs to leave.
    Oh and he totally will always cheat on her and blame it on her breaking his trust first so he thinks he has a forever pass. He was caught in the Ashley Madison scandal.

  5. For some reason I found it extremely annoying that deena kept saying she found the ring when vinny actually found it..

  6. I feel like the entire Vinny-Snooki storyline was 100% production engineered. I doubt Snooki, Jionni or Vinny would make a big deal about in “real life”

    1. Idk I think her husband does have an issue with it. He definitely didn’t like drunk Snooki back in the day and I think he doesn’t trust her with Vinnie.
      Especially if you watch the old shows and hear Vinnie talking about maybe being serious with her one day lol. I wish they had gotten together 🙂

  7. I think snookis marriage is already on the rocks. Thats why she is acting the way she is. I think being on this show is gonna be the nail in the coffin. Watch when this season is over they will announce their divorce. It looks like she is trying to throw blame at other people but in reality her marriage is a done deal

    1. I actually never understood why Jionni took her back. Like isn’t trust a foundation of every marriage?! It is obv he isn’t trusting her (I doubt it’s all about Vinny, he has a girlfriend now and I sincerely doubt he would cheat, esp with Snooki) How will sitting next to the guy who she slept with and cheated on her now husband with so many years ago, ruin her marriage? Losing a ring? Like WTF, everything is ruining her marriage at this point. And yes, I don’t see their marriage lasting. Nothing came out about his Ashley Madison account (which was fake news apparently) but still, I don’t see them lasting more than a few years, at most.
      Jwoww was right, Roger isn’t making a big deal about Pauly D who she cheated with on her ex (Tom was his name) not him but still, he TRUSTS her. And I see them lasting because of it.

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