Yeeeah buddy! It’s time for another episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation!
When we last left our crew of morally questionable Miami vacationers, things were in the toilet…literally. Not only did Ronnie pummel the porcelain, leaving a disgusting Mt. Vesuvius of human waste, but things were in bad shape between some of the cast members.
We left off with Snooki freaking out and accusing everyone from Vinny to Jenni (and possibly even the poor plumber who had to unclog the guest toilet) of plotting to ruin her marriage. We pick up this week with Snooki still yelling at everyone (while also throwing her ample supply of Instagram-worthy slogan tees into a suitcase), declaring that she is going home.
While Snooki is shoveling crap into her suitcase, the rest of the gang is trying to stay out of the line of fire. Jenni has retreated downstairs. (She probably knew if she were to stay up there she could end up legit squishing Snooki like a bug.)
Meanwhile, Mike is just hanging out, enjoying a wide variety of Frito Lay snacks, and watching the drama go down. Oh, how times have changed.
Pauly D doesn’t like the bad vibe in the house. He’s determined to fix “the situation” (and not the one that’s going to prison). He heads upstairs to talk to Snooki, bringing an enormous glass of wine as a peace offering. She glugs the wine as Pauly D gets her to realize that she’s driving everyone else in the house crazy by constantly threatening to go home.
Soon, Snooki is ready to apologize to Jenni, so Pauly goes downstairs to fetch her. Snooki is scared (again, that she may be squished like a bug by Jenni), but the girls immediately apologize and hug it out.
Pauly D Positivity to the rescue!
Next, Snooki ventures downstairs to talk to Vinny who, as you may remember, was determined to make Snooki his friend again (via dry hump). The rest of the group uses various excuses to make themselves scarce.
Snooki apologizes for acting like Vinny has the plague, and he makes it clear that he in no way wants to bang it out with her anymore.
“No offense but I’m not attracted to you,” Vinny tells her.
Snooki says that she isn’t attracted to him either.
Sure, Snooki. We know you’re digging that Keto diet body Vinny is rocking these days!
They agree to keep things friendly between them.
The next day, everyone decides to GTL… except Deena.
“Who wants to go to the gym and do laundry on vacation?” Deena asks.
The rest of the gang leaves Deena to sit on a lawn chair by herself, with only random dock workers to talk to. Once inside the gym, Pauly appears to be in some sort of “GTL” trance, repeating “Gym Tan Laundry” over and over as he sweats it out.
Mike, too, is working on his fitness…while also plowing through a Rice Krispy Treat. He’s devouring his snack treat as he strolls casually on a treadmill. Pauly D is confused at Mike’s new “fitness regiment,” saying that Mike was once the epitome of the GTL lifestyle.
After everyone is fitnessed, tanned and laundered, they head home to get ready for the night. Ron decides to mix up a big vat of “Ron Ron Juice” for everyone to get the party started. Unfortunately (for Ron and his pregnant girlfriend at home), Ron drinks most of his juice.
Once the Ron Ron Juice is flowing through his veins, Ron starts doing his two favorite things: talking about Sammi and turning into a complete sweaty mess.
It’s T-shirt time…and for Mike that means suiting up in some sort of cut-up denim vest nightmare, accessorized by a baseball cap.
Mike’s feeling himself, but his roommates quickly tell him that, in the words of Regina George, “That vest was disgusting.”
Vinny suggests that Mike is going for a “Nick Lachey circa 2001” look, while Pauly states that Mike’s look is more of a “gay farmer” ensemble. Not wanting to hit the club looking like Mr. Gay Nebraska, Mike decides to change.
By the time the caaabs are heeere, Ronnie’s already starting to resemble some sort of moist hobo derelict. He gets into a fight with Deena in the cab (over Sammi, naturally). Meanwhile, in the other cab, Vinny, Mike and Pauly are basically the “three best friends anyone ever had.” They keep switching back and forth, showing what’s happening in both cabs.
Once inside “da club,” Ron is getting messy quick. He’s flailing his arms around and looking generally creepy.
Naturally, there are plenty of ladies who are trying to pelvis-thrust themselves into an episode of this show, but everyone but Pauly D is in a relationship. Mike wants no part in the drunken dry-humping going on in the club. He tells us that he’s “dodging the booty” that’s all around him, trying to remain faithful to his girlfriend.
He’s also turning down the drinks. (It doesn’t appear that any snacks were ordered for Mike, but hopefully he packed some Lunchables or granola bars for “da club.”)
Vinny, too, is staying clear of the grenades that are trying to thrust their girl-junk at him. Ron, on the other hand, is doing the opposite. He’s basically salivating all over anything with ovaries, drinking and getting sloppier by the moment.
Meanwhile, a few girls get a little too eager to be on MTV. They keep trying to invade the “Shore Space” at the club. They get kicked out but keep coming back.
OK…let’s stop there for a second. There’s NO WAY in hell that this wasn’t planned by production. Have you ever tried to enter a VIP area at a club that you weren’t authorized to be in? About six 10-foot tall bodyguards circle you immediately and tell you to move along. There’s NO WAY the club didn’t have a huge security team guarding the ‘Jersey Shore’ kids’ area. NOPE. Not buying it.
Deena gets tired of the hussies invading their space. She tells them to take their ho-bag butts back to the General Admission area, but the girls won’t leave. Things get heated, and Deena decides to help cool them off a bit by throwing her drink on them.
Meanwhile, Snooki and Jenni are just watching it go down, obviously not wanting to end up on TMZ for getting into a club brawl with random club urchins. Ronnie is totally oblivious to everything except the fact that he’s not spraying his, um, “Ron Ron Juice” into some fame-hungry girl.
Things start getting crazy and one of the girls picks up a bottle of liquor (that probably costs more than the girl’s house) and tries to hit Deena over the head with it. Vinny comes in like a hero, swooping up a bottle of champagne and drenching the girls with it.
The girls eventually get kicked out, realizing that they aimed too high and need to go try to hoe-it-up with the Floribama Shore dudes.
Later, Jenni plays wingman for single Pauly D. She finds some beautiful foreign girls and asks them if they want to party in their area. The group consists of hot Swedish, Colombian and French girls.
Although Jenni brought the girls for Pauly, Ronnie wastes no time in drooling all over one particularly hot blond. Seeing Ronnie grind on the girl has Snooki worried that Ron is about to cheat on his pregnant girlfriend.
Pauly decides to let everyone in “da club” know that his pal is about to make some bad decisions.
“Shout out to Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, right now spiraling, ladies!” he announces on the loudspeaker. “Make some noise!”
Ronnie decides it’s a good idea to keep the party going and invites the girl and her friends back to their house. Deena tries to convince Ronnie that he’s making a mistake, but he’s not listening.
“If Ronnie gets any closer to this girl, he’s about to have his second baby momma,” Pauly says. “There’s something in the water here in Florida that makes Ronnie’s decision-making go south.”
Ronnie packs the entire squad of skanks into his cab. Once they get to the house, the girls want to go in the hot tub but are upset that they don’t have swimsuits. (Mind you, Ronnie’s galpal is legit wearing a piece of netting as a shirt and literally has her headlights flashing for the world to see.)
Ronnie goes and digs out some sweaty tank tops for the girls to wear in the tub, in between generally creeping everyone else out.
The girls hop into the hot tub and soon, Ronnie can stand it no more. He has to get into the water with them. Vinny makes note of the fact that Ron has gone from “creepy guy in the club” to “mouth-breathing mutant” in a matter of minutes.
“Ronnie had this look in his eye, tongue hanging out of his mouth, breathing hard,” Vinny tells us.
Ronnie convinces Vinny to get into the hot tub with him, but Vinny’s not interested in hooking up with any of the girls and makes it well-known that he’s just there to float in the disgusting green water. Pauly hops in, too, and quickly goes into pre-smush mode with one of the best-looking girls.
Snooki and Deena decide to run interference by making the girls really strong drinks.
“I want them to pass out. Hopefully, this will keep Ron from cheating,” Snooki says as she dumps about a liter of vodka into one of the girl’s drinks.
While Snooki and Deena are trying to keep Ron from making bad decisions, Jenni is having none of it. She changes into her sweats and announces she’s going upstairs.
“Last time I caught Ronnie cheating I got punched in the face for writing a note,” Jenni says. “I ain’t writing any more notes, I’m going the f**k to bed.”
Ronnie is using his greasy mitts to paw all over the girl, but he still hasn’t cheated…yet.
Snooki continues to make liquor grenades, encouraging the girls to chug the drinks in hopes they’ll pass out. Unfortunately, her plan backfires. One of the girls starts to feel a bit woozy and exits the tub. Minutes later, she stumbling all over the backyard.
The girl is embarrassed that she’s finally made it onto TV…but as a drunken lush. Snooki helps her into the house as the girl apologizes.
Snooki quickly reminds the girl that she once was the queen of drunken reality TV trainwrecks.
“Bitch, I’m Snooki! I’ve been there,” she tells her as she helps her over to the couch.
Things go south from there, with the girl vomiting behind the couch (as you do), and basically just lying in her own spew. She tries to get up but stumbles back down.
Snooki gets worried.
“Oh my God, this totally backfired,” Snooki says. “I hope she doesn’t die because if she does die, I made the drink and I’m going to jail for murder.”
With Drunky McVomit throwing up all over the living room, Ronnie sneaks upstairs with his club girl. He takes her into the bathroom. (He used the cringe-worthy line of, “I wonder if this door works” as he closed her inside the bathroom.)
Pauly makes a last-ditch effort to save his pal from international shame (and/or a stab wound courtesy of his pregnant girlfriend.) He knocks on the bathroom door, trying to get Ronnie to realize that he’s making a big mistake.
A slurry Ron replies, “No thank you!”
Soon, we are treated to the sweet sounds of Ronnie’s heavy breathing. The gang gathers downstairs (as the girl yaks up her small intestine in the living room) and discusses what an idiot Ronnie is.
Somewhere in New Jersey, Sammi is getting a nice chuckle…
Until next episode!
To read our previous ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ recap, click here!