On this episode of The Hills: New Beginnings, we see the latest on Heidi’s path to Christian Pop Princess Stardom, watch Stephanie try to shade anyone who goes near here and we trade healing crystals for crystal meth stories.
Throw on some teeth whitening strips (yes, we saw that again, Whitney) and all 27 layers of your leather/denim/flannel Justin Bobby-inspired get-up as we run down the Top 5 Wildest Moments from ‘The Hills: New Beginnings’ Episode 9.
1. Heidi the “Christian Pop Princess” returns to the recording studio.
As part of her quest to become the (wildly autotuned) voice of Christian Pop, Heidi heads to the studio with her trusty book of poetry in hand to lay down some tracks.
Upon her arrival, Heidi lets the producers know that she’s brought with her “the whole crew,” consisting of Spencer, Gunner, Gunner’s
nanny assistant and Justin Bobby, who apparently drew the short straw among his other cast members to end up spending his afternoon being a part of this mess.
Soon we see Heidi awkwardly bop her head to some beats while giving us her best rendition of what can only be described as a jewelry store jingle.
Honestly, we’re not sure what direction this song ultimately went in, as we checked out after the opening line of, “They say diamonds are forever.”
2. Stephanie one-ups her brother’s crystal addiction.
After hearing about Jason’s recent alcohol relapse from his wife Ashley, Stephanie shares her own addiction story — including how she overdosed “a couple of times.”
“When I was a teenager, I got hooked on crystal meth,” she says. “When I got hooked on drugs when I was 15, I didn’t know anything. I was so young and impressionable … I did it once and I was so addicted. That changed the course of my life entirely.”
OK, now we understand why Spencer was so quick to invite Stephanie to his crystal party earlier this season. Just imagine the off-color comments he scribbled on the bottom of her invitation.
“FYI Stephanie, it’s not that kind of crystal party.”
3. Spencer and Heidi’s bachelor/bachelorette party do-overs.
With Speidi’s upcoming vow renewal in the works, Spencer and Heidi opt to partake in the traditional pre-wedding festivities, mostly because they have nothing else to do (shocking, we know).
“I didn’t have a bachelorette party the first time I married Spencer because I didn’t really have a lot of friends at the time,” Heidi explains. (Again, shocking, we know…)
Ten years later, because Heidi is surrounded by a group of at least five women contractually obligated to associate themselves with her, she decides to live it up, tacky bachelorette crown and all.
As for Spencer, he decides to spend the greater part of his bachelor party throwing shade at his frenemy Brody.
“Cheers to my friend Brody, who will not be invited to the vow renewal elite-party in Santa Barbara,” he says.
On the bright side, at least Spencer is focusing on someone other than himself for once.
4. Stephanie kisses Heidi’s ass… and then proceeds to show her own.
With Brody being the current enemy number one for Stephanie and Spencer, Stephanie is free to embrace the new “friendship” she has with her sister-in-law Heidi; however, in typical Stephanie fashion, she takes it entirely too far.
After buying Heidi an early-2000s-style glittery tracksuit as a bachelorette gift (because, if you don’t have a Britney Spears-esque Juicy Couture outfit to wear at your bachelorette party, are you even a bride?), Stephanie hypes her SIL up by telling her she’s “a vision” and “a doll,” all whilst knowing damn good and well she’d never be caught in that mess herself.
As Heidi’s bachelorette party goes on, Stephanie continues to throw back the free drinks until she’s eventually throwing others under the bus. Her first victim? Brandon —who isn’t even at this bachelorette party, mind you.
When Brandon’s new girlfriend (of one whole day) Ashley stops by the bachelorette party to
score some camera time hang out with the girls, Stephanie decides to passive-aggressively mistake her for another girl that Brandon dated.
Ashley fails to let the dig bother her, so a defeated Stephanie then sets her inebriated-sights on starting some drama with Audrina. Through a touch-and-go British accent, Stephanie’s second attempt to
steal the show engage in confrontation also fails, leaving her as confused as we are about the white gloves she’s now wearing.
5. Heidi, the aspiring Christian Pop Princess and all around hard-twerking mom.
Towards the end of the night, Heidi is called up to the stage (what…a….surprise), where she proceeds to bust a move in her sparkly jeans. (And, yes, it was as cringeworthy as it sounds). After informing everyone of the work she puts in to keep her twerk-skills on point, she announces she’s heading home to put Gunner to bed.
Let’s just hope she managed to shake off some of that body glitter on her walk to the car. I mean, babies can drown in that stuff if you’re not careful!