It’s time once again to check in with Kody and his parade of sad wives! We again head to Flagstaff, where the group morale is low, and the collective mortgage payment is high. (Also high? The likelihood that eventually we’ll see the Browns on Dateline, along with the headline “Sister Wife Snapped.” My money’s on Janelle, y’all! It’s always the quiet ones…)
Anyway, this episode kicks off at Meri’s house of long faces and lycra leggings, where Meri’s daughter Mariah and Mariah’s fiancée Audrey have just arrived for a visit.
While we assume this is going to be a small reunion (at least at first), the whole Brown Brigade – minus Kody and Janelle, who are out of town – soon march their way into Meri’s home to hear Mariah and Audrey’s big announcement.
After the whole family plops themselves onto Meri’s furniture, Mariah and Audrey tell the group they are leaving Chicago and moving to Salt Lake City because they want to be closer to family.
Um…they obviously haven’t been watching this show.
Audrey says she wants to leave Chicago for mental health reasons, which also explains why she and Mariah aren’t planning to move to Flagstaff. Salt Lake City seems like it is a safe distance away from Kody, Meri, their marital problems, Kody’s whiteboard “one house” presentations and/or any sort of family skit Christine may organize.
Everyone is also excited because Mariah and Audrey have decided to get hitched in Salt Lake rather than Chicago. (That means a shorter Brown Family road trip, which, judging by the adults’ trip to see the Dargers last episode, is a very good thing.)
Christine tells us that Mariah and Audrey work well as a couple. They communicate well, and she says “they’re willing to do whatever’s necessary to make it so they’d both be happy.”
Later on, we get another “dropping” of big news: Christine FINALLY has an offer on her home in the Las Vegas Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams.
Janelle say she doesn’t understand why Christine’s house took so damn long to unload. (Meri smiles slyly and you just know she wants to be like, “It’s because it didn’t have a wetbar!”)
Honestly, this fever dream of a show has such a tendency to drag on and repeat the same storylines –- see: rental home/one house/Coyote Pass –- that we were actually starting to forget that these people ever lived in Vegas.
Anyway, the Sister Wives sit around and giggle about how Kody always wants to have more kids. Christine declares that there will be no more Kody crotchfruit expelling from her loins. However, she knows that the two dozen or so children Kody already has won’t be enough to satisfy his ego.
“I don’t think Kody will ever be done having kids!” Christine tells us, adding that he’ll have to serve his sperms up to another wife because her “womb is closed.”
The convo goes back to Christine’s house, which she said sold for a lot less than she wanted. (Well, the new owner will have to deal with the Kody hairballs all over the house, and no amount of Clorox could ever completely rid the bathroom counters of the layer upon layer of Kody’s hair gel. It’s only fair…)
Kody says that he and the Sister Wives “took a hit” on every single house in the Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams, and that they got way less than they thought they would. Apparently folks aren’t lining up to live in houses once owned by C-list TLC reality TV stars. Go figure.
Anyway, everyone talks about how Flagstaff doesn’t feel like home. Robyn says she misses her home in Vegas “like crazy,” and Kody says that the move there “tired him out.” He says that his wives aren’t on the same page with him, which is exhausting him.
OK BUT WHY DID THEY EVEN MOVE TO FLAGSTAFF?! No one seems to want to be there. Did they lose a bet or something?
Meri says that, while they all still want to get out to Coyote Pass (um…since when?), she admits that the mental health of the family is “not the best.”
That’s the understatement of the century! That’s like saying Kody’s hair is only a little Muppet-like.
Janelle says that she and the Sister Wives want to get the plan moving so they can move out to Coyote Pass (and stop having to listen to Kody yap about it). She says that there is one problem, though: Kody, and his thousand-yard stare. She tells us that Kody just runs from house to house, spreading himself around (ewwww, why did that sound dirty to me?) and “reacting instead of planning.”
Kody informs the Sister Wives that just because they’ve finally unloaded all their Vegas houses, that doesn’t mean they have money. They’re still a few bad financial decisions away from being in the hot sandwich line at the Salvation Army.
Robyn, bless her heart for trying to convince us that she didn’t marry a big hairy sack of uselessness, tells us that Kody tends to put “so much into” the beginning of an idea that he starts “getting a little bit exhausted toward the end of it.”
Janelle agrees that Kody gets “lost” sometimes during the “execution” part of an idea.
So…basically…he doesn’t follow through on anything. But he can white-board an idea like nobody’s business!
They all agree that Kody enjoys the beginning part of things, but loses interest quickly once the idea is not new anymore.
This, of course, explains why he has four wives and 165 children.
Meri and Janelle want to know which of the God-forsaken lots on Coyote Pass they’ll be given to rot away on. Kody knows that all of his wives are going to end up wanting the same lot, and that it will end up in a Sister Wives squabble. (Or, hey, if you need money…I’d pay straight cash money to watch any combo of the Sister Wives wrestle for their lot in a vat of Kody’s hair gel….don’t @ me! You know you probably would too!)
Kody— who, mind you, just told us they don’t have any money— tells the Sister Wives that he would prefer to build all seven homes on Coyote Pass all at once. (They need a home for each Sister Wife, plus three rental homes, by the way.)
He tells us that they bought the extra property on Coyote Pass to rent or to give to their kids. (I’m pretty sure all of the Brown spawn would rather be homeless and living in the desert among real coyotes than bunk-down next door to Kody and his gang of squabbling sister wives on Coyote Pass.)
Janelle mocks Kody, who apparently told her that he wants to be a real estate tycoon. Janelle told Kody that, before he makes like the Monopoly Man, he should try getting his families into permanent homes first.
Christine, too, is tired of living that Moving Van life and is begging Kody to even get started on one of the Sister Wives’ houses. They all know that Kody’s brain will be on to the next scheme soon so if they don’t want to be sleeping in pup tents out on Coyote Pass into their twilight years, they need to get the project going ASAP!
Robyn tells us that the only way to get the house-building going is if Kody starts it because “it wouldn’t be appropriate for one of us to lead.”
I’M SORRY, WHAT? You’re going to allow the Blond Bozo to fire up the bulldozers? You already followed him to the Promise Land (aka Flagstaff) and ended up basically living out of moving vans for years. What the actual hell?
Kody then says what may be the first accurate thing he’s uttered in seasons.
“Maybe the drama problem in our lives is me,” he says.
Christine realizes that Kody is just stalling because he’s bored with the Coyote Pass house-building extravaganza. She recognizes that he’s ready to move on to the next stupid idea, even though that means his family is left without permanent housing.
The next day, Kody, Robyn and Meri head out to Coyote Pass, and the Sister Wives start talking about how they don’t spend much time together now (except, of course, when the TLC cameras are there.) Janelle reveals that she only sees the gang “a couple of times a month,” and otherwise she’s just living her life solo.
Even Robyn admits that there are times that she doesn’t even see Kody “for a long time” and she thinks that he may be gettin’ it “somewhere else.”
(Does anyone else think that he’s actually just sitting out in a folding chair on Coyote Pass mumbling to himself about how the whole thing is “no fair” and that the wives should have let him build his Polygamy Dream House?)
Christine is all about living away from Kody and the Sister Wives. She says life on her own is “less complicated” and she doesn’t feel guilty because she enjoys living without all the squabbles, fights and eye rolls.
Kody says it’s easier to take one wife (and her eye rolls and disappointed sighs) and their kids at a time, rather than trying to think of everyone as one family unit.
Anyway, Robyn suggests that they all “kiss and make up” and Meri’s like, “Um, yeah, that’s weird.”
Robyn then clarifies that she loves Meri, but not sexually. (Hell, that’s more than Kody does…)
Also not into Meri sexually is Kody…her husband. The next segment is all about how Meri and Kody’s marriage is in the crapper. Kody describes it as “amicable” and “distant” (hoooot), while Meri says it’s “dead and gone.”
Kody then tells us that he has felt like since the day he said “I do” with Meri, she has unloaded her emotions “into a burden that I’m supposed to carry.”
Kody declares he’s done carrying the sad sack that is Meri.
“I’m not carrying this burden anymore. There’s no reason that I should,” he tells us.
I think that’s nice…
We watch as Robyn, Kody and Kody’s burden (in buttersoft leggings) walk around Coyote Pass, and Kody tells us that he hasn’t put any effort into getting along with Meri because he has three other wives who don’t hate him… as much.
“I have three other relationships that are rewarding and wholesome, with children that need me and need to see me,” he says.
Meri, seemingly unaware of all the horrible things her husband is saying about her on-camera, tells us that she prefers to “leave the ball in his court.”
Oh honey. If I were you, I’d grab that ball and chuck it at his big ol’ inflated head.
Kody just keeps going, slamming Meri again and again.
“Neither of us see real value in the relationship,” he tells us, adding that if they really wanted to be around each other, they would.
Later, Kody explains why he doesn’t want Meri to have a house near the Coyote Pass pond. He feels that Meri, sitting up there in her Leggings Mansion, will restrict the other family members’ access to the pond.
Robyn is still trying to sort out the Meri/Kody/Coyote Pass lot mess, and Kody is playing martyr. He tells us that he takes the blame for almost everything that goes on. But, I mean, to be fair, 9 out of 10 times whatever happens is his fault.
That’s all for this episode!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recap, click here!