On this episode of Teen Mom OG we get (another) pregnancy announcement,! (I mean, at this point, is it even a ‘Teen Mom’ episode if someone isn’t pissing on a Clear Blue Easy?) We also get a little bit of vomit, someone whining about social media and someone peeing themselves.
So…basically, it’s business as usual for a ‘Teen Mom’ episode!
We kick off this episode with the news that Cheyenne is once again knocked up! We get to see her telling her boyfriend of three weeks, Zach, the big news. Surprisingly, though, Chey doesn’t plan a huge parade, or a flash mob, or some sort of extravaganza where her family members jump out of a plane, each holding letters that spell out “She’s Pregnant” or something.
Instead, she just brings him into the bedroom and hands him the positive pee stick. The moment is captured on “home video.” There’s no footage of Chey taking pregnancy tests at a gas station, and no Tupperware full of brown pee for Cheyenne to dip tests into it. It’s all very low-key.
Coincidentally, Cheyenne finds out she pregnant right as she and her family are preparing for their weekly over-the-top fiesta, so she decides she’ll tell everyone the big news when they are all
breaking COVID protocols gathered together to celebrate her upcoming birthday.
Before Cheyenne has a chance to reveal how she plans to tell her family the news during her birthday getaway, we watch her bail out of Zach’s Jeep and sprint inside her house, just in time to puke up whatever Starbucks concoction she was sipping on that morning.
After her walk of shame back to the car, Cheyenne is greeted by a concerned Ryder, who assumes her mom got sick because she choked on her arm. Once they’re on the road, Cheyenne tells Zach she’s so excited and “can’t wait to tell everyone” and we’re assuming she’s talking about her pregnancy and not her nausea, but with this show, ya never know.
Next, we head to Michigan, where Catelynn is over her pregnancy storyline for now, anyway. Next month she’ll be hitting up that Arco station to pee on more pregnancy tests, surely. (Hopefully she also grabs a gallon of water when she goes inside the gas station store to buy her ciggies.)
Anyway, now that she knows she’s not “with spawn,” Cate has shifted her focus to her microblading “career.”
She needs one more victim to complete her training, so she calls in her pal Amber (not the one with the machete) to get her eyebrows done. Since she’s already like a week or so into her “learnings,” it’s only natural that the next step would be for Cate to open up her own microbladding business. She makes appointments to go hunt for a building to house her business.
Wait…wasn’t she just desperately peeing on preggo sticks? This girl’s “dreams” change faster than a 24-pack of beer disappears at the McKinney residence.
Cate is awarded her certificate in microblading. The natural next step would be for her to take clients on her own at another person’s shop, but Cate decides that she’s stuck with this microbladding thing for a whole month, so she is going to go right into business and set up a studio space for her to microblade.
Why do I feel like this studio is just going to end up housing all of Catelynn’s other broken dreams? Just piles of therapy pigs, vet tech paperwork, scrapbooks and baby food-making supplies everywhere, with the sweet, sweet smells of Virginia Slims permeating the room.
She meets with the real estate agent, who seems confused as to why Cate is trying to open a shop so fast. Catelynn tells her that, while she’s “still practicing…and stuff,” she wants to jump on this opportunity (probably before Tyler squanders their MTV checks on supplies to make more velvet kids’ clothes).
Cate is less-than-thrilled with the spaces the real estate agent takes her to. She doesn’t like one because it’s by the liquor store. (That’s understandable. She’d have to shovel Butch and his paper bag ‘o’ liquor out of the doorway every morning.)
Cate tells the lady she wants a more “downtown” feeling for her shop, and is unimpressed with what she was shown. Also, there’s still that pesky lil’ COVID thing happening, so she realizes that maybe now is not the best time to open up a salon where she’ll be inches from a bunch of randos’ faces for most of the day.
Opening up an eyebrow salon during a pandemic is right up there with Amber and Gary’s buffet restaurant idea. Maybe they could open some sort of combo business to save money on rent? A grooming shop with a buffet line! GarBear cooks up a pile of tators while Amber screams at him, and Cate chases you around with a tattoo gun and a Tupperware of urine? I’m here for it!
Meanwhile, Mackenzie is still traveling to her new job/home in Florida and doing a little schoolin’ with her kids to help pass the time. First up on her lesson plan: geography.
Next up: history, which consists only of Mackenzie telling her kids about all the fun things she used to do with their dad… You know, the dad who decided not to move to Florida with them because of his passion for hunting deer.
Mackenzie goes on to talk about the “good old days” of her and Josh taking road trips to rodeos and singing in the car. She then tells the kids she’s going to call their Nanny – her mom, Angie – because she likes to leave her voicemails, even though she passed away, when something big or exciting is happening in her life. Before the Angie’s voicemail picks up, Mackenzie is already crying and she continues to tear up while leaving her message.
After getting off the phone, Mackenzie assures her son Gannon that “these are happy tears” and that they’re going to make Angie proud.
Next we head to Tennessee, where it’s once again PCOS Awareness Month. This means, of course, that this will be the one episode of the season that Maci isn’t bitching about Ryan (or that dern Mackenzie) and will have different storyline.
Because of ding-dang COVID, Maci can’t go to Washington D.C. or make bars turn their lights teal. Instead, she’s having people run a 5k at home and post a photo of themselves on social media.
Well, that sounds about as fun as untangling Christmas lights with Farrah but, hey, whatever floats your PCOS boat!
Maci says she’ll be doing her virtual 5k by running around her mansion. This will be her first 5k ever.
She tells Taylor that, even though she doesn’t like to run, she’s determined to do this virtual 5k for “the cause.” She is unsure if she can complete the run, though.
Taylor thinks she’s being a wuss and offers to donate $1500 if she completes the run in under 33 minutes.
Finally, we head to Indiana to check in with Amber. She’s planted firmly on her couch (natch) and Producer Hannibal brings up the fact that someone dared to troll Ambie on social media. Apparently, Amber posted a thirsty photo of herself in some sort of pink satin prom dress (or something), and someone called her fat and ugly and told her to get knocked up again.
Amber— angry that she wasn’t showered with “You look greats” and “You should be a model” comments— blocked the troll. She tells the Producer that she’s been a Size 0 before. (We can assume that was back when she was slamming the Fentys). She says she’s been every size, but now she loves herself.
Body Positive Activist Sean Taylor “reached out” (aka was called up by a production assistant so that Ambie had a storyline this episode) and wants to talk to Amber. Amber moves her voodoo dolls to the side so that she and Body Positive Activist Sean Taylor can video chat without shrunken head distractions.
Jesus God Leah. Amber gets called fat on Instagram and now we have to listen to her whine about how her being a movie star causes people to lash out at her. Gimme one of those voodoo dolls to gnaw on to help me get through this scene.
Body Positive Activist Sean Taylor showers Amber with the compliments she desired when she posted that thirsty pic. Amber is inspired to post about online bullying.
Back in LA, Cheyenne finds time to fit in another outing before her big birthday trip. Joining her for dinner are her two PowerPoint pals, neither of whom know that she’s pregnant. After her friends order another round of drinks for themselves, Cheyenne makes it known that she’s not drinking.
Cheyenne tries to playoff her “sober cleanse” as a thing her mom recommended for anyone considering getting pregnant instead of what it actually is in her case: a thing she’s doing because she’s already pregnant. She evens recommends her friends jump onboard the trend, and clean up their own wombs, too.
Cheyenne’s friends want to know how one can tell when their “womb is dirty.” (I was going to make a “you slept with Cory” joke here but I’ll let that one go…)
Cheyenne offers little to no explanation about dirty womb diagnosis.
Honestly, if any of these friends are buying this, I’ve got a beautiful property in the swamps of North Carolina to sell them!
With the womb-cleansing conversation over, Cheyenne’s friends begin to ask her about the possibility of her and Zach getting married and whether she thinks she’ll be married before she has another kid. (I mean, it has been a month of so since they got back together. Naturally, that’s about the right time to get hitched and/or spawn.)
Cheyenne says ideally she’d be married before having baby number 2 (haha! Good one!) but with Ryder turning 4 soon, she’d be OK with having another kid before she’s married because she wants her kids to be close in age.
Oh, and because she’s already freaking pregnant.
We also find out that if Zach had his way, he and Cheyenne would’ve ended up on another MTV reality show back in the day, as he wanted to be a father at 16.
I think that’s nice…
Back in Michigan, Catelynn talks to Tyler about her dream of opening a microblading shop, but they are realizing that maybe this isn’t the best idea, given the current pandemic. Tyler brings up the fact that all small businesses are suffering, and Cate agrees that a little more practice with the blade wouldn’t kill her.
While Cate still feels that bringing dark eyebrows to the masses is “her calling,” she decides to “take her time” with everything. Tyler agrees.
So…basically, we just watched Cate blow off yet another dream that we’ll never hear about again.
Meanwhile on the backroads of whatever boohickey, hillbilly town Mack & Co. are traveling through, Mack’s phone is being blown up by Josh. (Apparently the deer stock has dried up and he realized he’s not getting any now…)
Mackenzie says the kids have been really enjoying hearing from their dad, but we all know the only one getting any sort of satisfaction from Josh’s stage-5 clinger status is Mackenzie herself.
During one of his many calls, Josh tells Mackenzie he loves her and he loves his kids “bad,” to which Mackenzie assures him that they all know…despite the whole deer hunting diss he pulled less than 48 hours prior. (Anyone else think Josh’s sudden love for Mackenzie is coming from a case of Blue Moon and some blue balls? Just me? Ok…)
Josh goes on to tell Mackenzie that he messed up and even though Florida isn’t for him, he’s willing to move there for her and the kids. Surprisingly, Mackenzie tells Josh it’s not a good time and that she needs time to heal (i.e. call me tomorrow and say it again).
The next day, Mackenzie and her kids (literally) scream their way across their Florida state line. Something tells me the Sunshine State’s Walgreens will be thick with people buying ear plugs.
After taking some pics in front of the welcome sign, Mackenzie and the kids arrive at their fully-furnished rental home and make themselves at home by jumping on the furniture. As you do…
A couple of days later, Mackenzie calls her sister to brag about her tan and tell her how empowered she feels after leaving Josh behind in his deer stand back in Oklahoma.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee, Mackenzie informs Ryan that it’s once again PCOS month. Ryan— who in this scene looks like he’s been sleeping under a bridge for the last six years– admits he does not know what the hell a “PCOS” is.
Mackenzie informs him that it’s “some condition that affects women.” Ryan asks why the ‘PCOS’ needs its own month.
Ryan is unmoved by the whole thing. He explains that it’s plumb ridiculous for the womenfolk to get a month to spread awareness for this condition, since they’re already aware that that they have it…and stuff.
Mackenzie is being sensitive to the cause and even mentions that their daughter, Stella, could someday battle PCOS. Ryan still has no clue what PCOS is, but he says that he thinks it “would not be very fun at all” if Stella were to have it.
Soon, it’s the day of Maci’s 5k. She will be running alone but Taylor is still offering to put up that extra $1500 if she finishes in 33 minutes or under. (The leather-pocketed T-shirt business must be booming these days!)
Maci kisses the Oopsie Baby and soon she’s off and running.
Sadly, it’s not all fun and games on this Fun Run. Maci’s pelvic floor (which has been pushed to its brink bringing Oopsie Babies into this world) failed her and she had to stop because she peed on herself. Where’s a Depends when ya need one?!
Maci then throws dirt on her pee-covered nether region (um?) and then she’s off again, trying to make it under 33 minutes.
She comes in at 32:17, meaning Taylor’s gonna have to donate the $1500 he promised. Maci collapses onto the grass and everyone just circles around her and stares at her. (They don’t get too close though because she probably smells like an outhouse, what with all the sweat and pee smells coming from her.)
Back at Maci’s MTV Mansion, Maci makes Taylor write her a check and wants him to write “My wife is a badass” in the memo area.
Um….girl. You ran three miles and you peed yourself in the process. Let’s keep those back pats to a minimum. If someone wants to give me $1500, I’ll run like Amber’s chasing me with her machete and keep my bodily fluids to myself!
It’s finally time for this week’s celebration with the Floyd Family, which Cheyenne and her crew decided to throw in Newport Beach. (These people literally put more money and effort into celebrating “Sunday” than most people put into throwing their wedding.) After some celebrating at their rental home, Cheyenne takes everyone out on a yacht (as you do) for some partying and more importantly, to reveal that she’s pregnant.
Instead of just telling her friends and family, Cheyenne shares the news by giving everyone a gift, which they are instructed to open at the same time. Naturally, R is the first to tear into hers and she is awfully quick to congratulate Cheyenne and Zach, considering they’re getting ready to kick her and her kid out of their house.
Once the commotion lets up on the yacht, Cheyenne remembers that Ryder still has no idea what the hell is going on, so she decides to take her aside to explain to her why everyone is jumping around, screaming and crying.
Ryder seems kind of unimpressed to hear that she’s getting (another) little sibling, but at least she’s looking out for the wellbeing of her spotlight-loving dad.
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recap, click here!