Well, here we are again.
It’s once again time for us to drag our sad selves over to the TV box and sit slack-jawed for an hour while we watch our gang of MTV pals tackle life’s biggest problems: such as whether or not to marry the boy who put an Oopsie Baby in your snotch, or whether to “unfriend” your daughter on Snapchat because she doesn’t want to take any more of your crap.
We kick things off in Indiana with Amber. She had originally planned to spend the day with Leah BooBoo, teaching her all of her esteemed makeup-applying tricks. (You know, it’s important for tween girls to learn how to choose the right shade of blush to wear for a chase around the living room with the ol’ machete.)
Unfortunately, Amber has not received the results of the COVID test she recently took. (Wait, what? These people are legit tested for COVID three times a week by MTV in order to film. I’m calling BS on this!)
Amber calls in sick for her makeup date with Leah, and Gary informs a not-so-surprised-looking Kristina that Leah BooBoo will have to learn all about makeup from someone else. (Hey, if she waits a week or two, Catelynn will probably have a new dream of being a makeup artist, so she can probably help her!)
Kristina tells Gary that she thinks Leah will be hurt that Amber once again cancelled on her. (At this point, isn’t Amber cancelling on Leah just kinda like Gary wearing his ‘Dad Bod’ shirt? You just expect it?)
The next day, Amber is whining to Producer Townsend that Leah hates her now. Amber explains that she was experiencing COVID symptoms so she couldn’t teach Leah her valuable makeup skills (such as which mascara works best for when you’re crying and screaming “I’M DONE!”).
Apparently Leah BooBoo was done with Mommy Dearest cancelling on her and putting herself (and whatever oaf was patting Amber’s poonanny at the time) before Leah. Amber says Leah unleashed on her, telling her off for the recent cancellation, as well as crap Amber had pulled in the past.
We get a few flashback clips of said oafs that have sat temporarily on the Ambie Couch ‘o’ Uselessness. My personal fav is when Amber and Andrew—wearing a “Cats in Space” tee, natch–talk about Leah, whom Amber refers to as a “freaking butthole.” Um…maybe that’s why your kid doesn’t like you, Amb. You’ve been calling her ridiculous— and sometimes downright mean— nicknames since she shot out of your sperm chute.
Amber vows to “get back” her bond with Leah BooBoo because she knows she’s only a few years away from hating her forever/writing the tell-all book we’re all waiting for…
Next we head over to Tennessee, where the boy Oopsie Baby is literally bouncing off the walls of Maci‘s MTV Mansion. (Luckily, he’s careful to miss that giant mountain of restraining orders, leather-pocketed-T-shirt order forms and MTV paycheck stubs that permanently inhabits Maci’s living room.)
Just then, one of Maci’s friends calls her up and informs her that Larry, Ryan‘s dad, did an interview with a tabloid. Maci whips out her phone and reads the interview, (which, by the way, is this one), and is shocked to read that Larry feels like he and his family have been shut out of Bentley’s life by Maci.
Maci (while reading The Roundup— good choice, girl!) tells her friend she thinks that Ryan’s parents are trying to get her attention by saying things to the media they wouldn’t dare say to Maci’s face.
Maci tells her pal that if she went to the media and told them the Edwards Family secrets, Ryan & Co. would hide away in their house like hermits forever out of embarrassment.
Over at Jen and Larry’s, Larry’s in the doghouse because he did the tabloid interview. Larry said “the same girl” calls him all the time and asks him questions. Larry says he only answers her questions because he doesn’t want to be rude. However, Jen advises him to be rude and hang up on the reporter. (By the way, the reporter he’s talking about here is not The Ashley, just to be clear.)
Jen gives Larry his verbal lashings for doing something that will possibly piss Martyr Maci off, and further hurt their relationship with Bentley. Larry hangs his head in shame, knowing he won’t be getting any pickle-tickling tonight!
Over in Los Angeles, Cheyenne is 10 weeks pregnant, and her family is pressuring her to go ahead and have another major life event waiting in the wings, just in case they run out of reasons to throw bi-monthly parties.
Cheyenne and Zach’s families want the couple to starting thinking about marriage first, even though they had barely gotten back together when Chey got sperminated. While out to dinner, Zach’s dad questions “the process” of the parents-to-be and says the two should consider getting hitched in order to stick to tradition.
Um…tradition?! TRADITION? Your son is legit dating a woman who is on a show called ‘Teen Mom,’ and you have MTV paying for your pepperoni pizza, bro. I think we can safely say ‘traditional’ is out the window here.
Zach’s dad soon stops beating around the bush and flat out asks when Cheyenne and Zach are going to “slip a ring on it.”
Um…the only ring Cheyenne should have slipped “on it” was the NuvaRing, but clearly that didn’t happen, Pops.
Cheyenne reminds Zach she has no intention of proposing to herself – at least not within the next 24 hours.
Later on, Cheyenne and Zach do what any couple contemplating an engagement amid a global pandemic would do: sit down with their computer to virtually shop for gigantic diamond rings with a jeweler. (Yes, that’s apparently a thing.)
With the engagement ring business surely suffering in these hard times, the jeweler decides to shoot her shot in hopes of nabbing a hefty commission. She goes on to show off two rings, each just over 3.0 carats and $60,000.
Over in Michigan, Cate and Tyler decide it’s finally time to exercise their right to vote and they are loud (literally) and proud to be first-timers. Tyler and Cate say they’ve never been motivated to hit the polls (only the bowls) and they even go as far as to chaotically rattle off a list of issues that are most important to them.
Cate and Tyler claim that neither of their moms ever participated in elections.
I’ll give you a moment to get over your shock that Cate’s mom April isn’t a leader in her community when it comes to getting people to vote.
Tyler says he’s going to feel guilty if he doesn’t vote in the presidential election and Cate says she wants to do it to set a good example for her own daughters, especially after recently throwing in the towel (and the microblade) on yet another career.
After successfully registering to vote online, Cate and Tyler pat themselves on the back for
a job well done actually completing something.
Tyler goes on to reveal that there are some divides in the family, politically speaking, but he doesn’t like to talk about it… until the cameras are around, of course.
Later on, Cate and Tyler visit Tyler’s mom, Kim, who tells the kids she’s also voting for the first time. (WTF? Did Michigan include a 2-for-1 coupon to the Family Food Bar for anyone who votes or something?)
Kim tells Cate and Ty she’ll be voting
Kim’s comments upset Tyler, who says he wants to “see a different character, integrity, quality.”
Yes…because Tyler and Catelynn— who literally are OK with filling their Tupperware with Cate’s piss— are always big on quality.
Cate adds that she’s interested in electing someone with morals.
(The Ashley would like to interject here to ask that we don’t turn the comment section of this recap into a pro-Trump or anti-Trump debate. The Ashley wants this to be a safe space where we can dump on ‘Teen Mom’ and not have to worry about politics. That is all…)
Anyway, after dinner with pro-Trump Kim, Tyler decides to sit home with the kids while Cate visits Kim and Kim’s husband Bill in an effort to keep this storyline moving along. (Otherwise she will have to pretend to be interested in another career and/or spawn.)
Cate shows up at Kim and Bill’s campsite wearing a Black Lives Matter tee, only for MAGA-hat-wearing Bill to make a rude comment. Before Cate heads back home, Bill invites her to go on a ride on his golf cart, which seems like a nice gesture, until they all take off and Bill’s Trump flag begins waving in the wind as he declares, “we be Trumpin.’”
Back in the Octagon of Triggers, Cate tells Tyler that Bill was rude to her about her Black Lives Matter shirt and while she tries to laugh it off, Tyler says Bill can call him the next time he has something to say. Cate says the political disagreements within their family are nothing to get mad about, but Tyler claims he just can’t help himself.
Tyler and Cate tells the producers not only do their political opinions differ from their family, but they also differ from most of the people that live in their area. Cate says there’s a divide everywhere and Tyler says he just wants to “do the voting so I can be done.”
Down in Florida, Mackenzie and her kids pick up Josh from the airport after being away from him (and his mumbling) for a whole three weeks.
Mackenzie tells her kids she’s nervous about seeing their dad, and Gannon makes it clear he doesn’t want to listen to his mom talk about how “giddy” she is about seeing her fair-weather spouse. Mack insists that Josh has been “going crazy…all alone.”
Um…sure Mack. I’m sure three weeks in a quiet house with no kids or needy wife to attend to was pure torture for the man.
After Josh and his mouth-full of chewing tobaccy hop into the car, he grunts in the general direction of Mack and the kids. Mackenzie is surprised by his lack of excitement to see his family. Instead she gets a grunt and a curse, and the kids get a head nod in their general direction. (Of course, he could have just been shaking out his neck from an old rodeo/Billy Bob’s injury, who knows?)
Josh claims that he “just got the biggest headache.”
Yes, we know. Her name is ‘Mackenzie.’
With Josh’s attitude still in the crapper, Mackenzie and the kids decide to take Josh fishing. There may be no deer to hunt in Florida, but there’s fish to catch and Mack is hoping that will satisfy Josh’s need to kill something other than Mackenzie’s excitement.
On their way to the fishing pier, Josh makes a grand gesture by patting Mackenzie on the leg, which she takes as a sign that he is finally trying.
While on their fishing outing, the McKees actually seem like one big happy, functional family for a brief moment and Josh even manages to crank out a smile or two.
Later on, Mackenzie calls her friend Cayla to tell her how wonderful life is in the Sunshine State and how Josh is a completely changed man because he touched her leg during a car ride. Cayla, however, thinks Mackenzie has spent a little too much time in the sun and needs to remember who she’s dealing with.
Cayla worries that Josh is treating this Florida visit as a “honeymoon or vacation getaway kind of thing.”
Instead of addressing the issues with Josh as Cayla suggests, Mackenzie says she’d rather not rock the boat by having those tough conversations because they’ve already “talked about it a million times.”
Meanwhile, back in Indiana, Gary and Kristina are putting together a “Beauty & the Beast” puzzle (as you do), and chatting about how mad Leah is at Amber.
Gary says between the men and, you know “prison and the CPS stuff,” Ambie didn’t devote a whole lot of her time to taking care of Leah.
Gary says he knows what it’s like to be put on the “back burner” by a parent, since his mom (the fun-loving, man-hopping Carol), basically ditched GarBear whenever a dude showed interest in playing with her funbags.
Gary then says something that makes me confused. He mentions how Amber will come over to their house just to pick up James and not to see Leah.
HOLD THE PHONE. Does that mean Gary and Kristina– in addition to raising Leah— are also babysitting Ambie’s Oopsie Baby James on the regular?!?! The one she’s so desperate to get custody of?
JESUS GOD LEAH. Gary, what ya need to do is hand Ambie an eggplant from your garden, put a bonnet on it and tell Amber that when she wants to feel maternal, to rock the baby eggplant because at least she can’t hurt its feelings.
Over in California, Cheyenne goes to lunch with her dad, Kyle, so that he can grill her about her relationship. Kyle asks Cheyenne what the plan is for her and Zach’s “commitment to each other.” Cheyenne tells her dad she and Zach talk about marriage, but she can’t keep nagging him about it without screwing up her chances of getting that $60K rock.
Kyle tells Cheyenne to “forget a ring,” which nearly causes Cheyenne to flip the flaming table.
Kyle goes on to drop a bomb on Cheyenne regarding her mother’s (his ex-wife’s) engagement ring: it wasn’t a real diamond and Cheyenne’s mom didn’t know about it until the two divorced.
Kyle assures Cheyenne the sham-gagement ring didn’t change the love he and his ex-wife had but man, we’d LOVE to hear her version of the story! In the end, Cheyenne tells her dad
to stop bugging her she thinks they have to wait for Zach to propose – with a ring that she will have appraised immediately.
Later on, Cheyenne tells Zach she knows he’s “feeling the pressure” and he admits he’s not in a position to drop so much coin on a piece of jewelry. While wiping away tears, Cheyenne tells Zach she doesn’t want the two of them to give into pressure from their families, but at the same time, she hoped she’d be married when she had her second baby. Zach assures Cheyenne there will “definitely be an engagement before the baby,” but they should focus on their relationship and future costar in the meantime.
Back down in Florida, Mackenzie decides
she needs to liven up her storyline a bit to sit down with Josh so they can talk about their “issues.” Josh decides this is the perfect opportunity to interject.
“Do you want me to kiss your butt, is that what you want?” he asks.
Mackenzie says she doesn’t want Josh to “kiss her butt,” she just wants “the raw real truth.” She goes on to ask if he sacrificed all that Oklahoma deer hunting and came to Florida to be with the kids, or if he also came down there for his marriage.
After laughing, chewing on pieces of the lawn and spitting, Josh tells Mackenzie he thinks it “good for us to get away” and that he loves Mackenzie and the kids and would do anything “I guess, to keep you guys or something. I don’t know.”
We’re starting to understand why Josh uses mumbling as his main form of communication.
Meanwhile in Michigan, Election Day has arrived. Cate and Tyler head to the polls with their daughters to cast their ballots. In the polling place (where MTV cameras were obviously not allowed inside) Cate lets Nova help her fill in her ballot and afterwards, they celebrate with a selfie. Once they’re back at the Octagon, Cate and Tyler talk about how exciting it was for them to vote for the first time and Tyler declares, “Thank God we don’t gotta talk about politics anymore.”
Cate says as a woman, it’s empowering to exercise her right to vote, and she explains to Nova that they voted for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, which is special because “it’s only been boys” on previous ballots.
Back in Tennessee, we head to Ryan’s house. At least, that’s what the tagline says. However, I’m almost certain we’ve somehow ended up under some sort of bridge, because we stumble upon THIS troll-like object thing.
Before we can get to any more recapping, The Ashley must address…whatever that is in the photo above. What in the Fraggle Rock, washed-your-Barbie’s-hair-in-dish-soap HELL is going on here?!
Ryan has looked bad in the past but never has he actually looked like a freaking Muppet. His hair is like a musty Brillo Pad, his beard scraggly (except for the “Reverse Soul Patch” thing he has going on his chin, which must also be discussed.) At some point between the time we plopped our asses down to watch the previous episode and the time we dragged our corpses to watch this episode, Ryan morphed into some other type of species: part werewolf, part Muppet, all useless.
Did Ryan get a job as a chimney sweeper in the off-season? (Hahaha, JOB. Good one, me.)
I just have so many…questions. Is his hair naturally that color, or did he dye it? Can you even DYE wool? Why the hell is his hair wool now?
Mackenzie, meanwhile, looks perfectly groomed and non-Muppety, and doesn’t appear to notice that her husband is basically a steaming pile of dusty wool in a stained T-shirt.
She informs Ryan that Larry did an interview with a magazine. Mack is worried that the interview will piss off Maci and she will keep the Edwards Crew from seeing Bentley. She says Maci is a “petty bitch” for retaliating for Larry’s actions.
Ryan shakes his head in agreement (and/or to get the active fleas off his head…I’m unsure.)
In Indiana, Amber is still upset that Leah hasn’t magically gotten over 12 years of neglect, selfishness and Amber’s f**kery in a few days. She’s eager to get her to “move past this” so she goes to have lunch with her own mom, Tonya.
Amber explains that Leah said she felt like a “third wheel” in the past when Amber was entertaining a new soulmate. Amber, to her credit, is actually being really self-aware and taking responsibility for not stopping her toxic relationships before things ended in handcuffs. (This is very un-Portwood-like.)
Amber mentions that it’s been a really long time since she’s had unsupervised visits with Leah. Also, Leah apparently hit Ambo with the “don’t call me, I’ll call you” when it comes to finding time for their next interaction. As you can guess, that did not go over well with Amber.
Tonya suggests that Amber just try to “be there for” Leah, but Ambie says she has already tried (for like a few days) to be there for Leah and now she’s saying…wait for it… “I’m DONE!”
“It’s not my problem anymore!” Amber yells.
Even Tonya– who, judging by how Ambie turned out, was probably not a stellar mother herself— is shocked by how crazy Amber sounds.
“Your child’s always going to be your problem,” Tonya tells her.
That’s it! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!