Stick your kid in another room (à la Sean and Jade) and grab some croissants to snack on – it’s time for Teen Mom 2.
In true ‘Teen Mom 2’ fashion, someone moves into a new house this episode, someone gets a brand new butt (among other things), pills go missing, one too many flashback scenes are used as filler and someone calls 911. Throw in an arrest, an unplanned pregnancy and a court hearing and we have the makings for a solid round of ‘Teen Mom’ bingo!
(BTW… Kail isn’t mentioned in this recap because she wasn’t featured in this particular episode, unlike the words “surgery” and “prescription,” which were said a minimum of 926 times, respectively.)
This episode kicks off in Miami where Jade is preparing for her upcoming butt suck/ nip/tuck, courtesy of Dr. Not-Miami. While Jade is maxin’ and relaxin’ in her Miami rental, her mom Christy – who for some reason has been put in charge of Jade’s post-surgery care and prescription filling – walks in to talk about the operation. Christy tells Jade not to wake her up the morning of her slice and dice until they’re getting ready to walk out the door because she’s used to sleeping until noonish and needs every minute of beauty rest that she can get.
Jade tells her mom she’s more nervous about going under the knife than Sean whenever someone asks how he plans to make a living “doing the music,” so naturally, Christy insists on making things worse by convincing Jade that the pain medicine the doctor plans to give her won’t be strong enough to alleviate her pain after surgery. After her Mom of the Year-worthy pep talk, Christy assures Jade that she’ll be there to help Jade out so she can “recover in peace.”
On the morning of her surgery, Jade tells Christy she spoke to her doctor and he’s agreed to sign off on a prescription for 30 Percocet. Despite not being a morning person, this news sure does manage to perk Christy up, though we’re sure she’s just REALLY excited that Jade won’t have to suffer in pain after she’s hacked open by her surgeon.
Next we head to California. With an engagement party, wedding and (another) court date coming up, Ashley isn’t thrilled about quadruple-browed Bar still rocking his ankle monitor and she’s even less thrilled that Bar continues to be completely unbothered by this and everything else.
Ashley reminds Bar that they – aka SHE – still has to order invitations and schedule a cake tasting. Ashley also needs to find a wedding dress and she needs Bar to figure out what he’s going to wear to their celebration, other than his ankle monitor.
Later on, Bar meets up with his friend Kennard, who wants to know how Bar’s “GEDs” are going, because evidently Bar acquired more than one Good Enough Degree. Bar tells Kennard he did the damn thing and is practically Mensa-adjacent at this point.
They go on to talk about Bar and Ashley’s engagement party and Kennard agrees that despite Ashley and Bar being worried that their families will break out brawling among the good booze, the couple shouldn’t let that stop them from celebrating and more importantly, collecting some free gifts.
Down in the West Virginia hollers, Leah is going on about some sort of “will chair” and much to our surprise, she’s NOT talking about the kind of chair The Ashley sits in when finding the will to get through these episodes. Instead, Leah is talking about a new WHEELchair for Ali, as she and Corey agree that Ali has out grown her old one. Corey tells Leah that insurance is covering the cost of Ali’s swanky new ride, which has a sticker price of about $50,000.
“I mean, it’s like a Cadillac,” Corey says of the new chair. “I mean, that’s big money.”
Leah says Ali’s
will wheelchair is a necessity, not a luxury. (Basically the opposite of how she felt about Corey’s new truck back in the day.)
Back at her house, Leah pulls Ali away from the other girlseses to talk about the new wheelchair. Leah attempts to have a deep conversation with Ali about what her wheelchair means to her, but gets shut down when Ali tells her it means she gets to be taller than Aleeah.
Tapping into her “Stand in My Power” days, Leah proceeds to ask Ali how her wheelchair is liberating… and then answers for Ali when she doesn’t get the response she’s looking for.
Later on, Ali shows off her new wheelchair in a race against her mom and Aleeah, but not before Corey again compares her new wheels to a Cadillac. (Is he pushing for a hookup on an Escalade or something?)
When we check in with Briana, she and “Shirley” are still in Miami, ready to provide moral support to Jade after surgery, although we all know Briana really took this trip just to get out of filming with Javi II.
While lounging and cramming croissants into their pie holes, Briana tells “Shirley” she hopes Jade’s recovery goes well, because “lipo is invasive as f**k,” and “Shirley” adds that Jade is having her “legs, arms, everything” done. They both think Jade is in for a rude awakening once she gets out of surgery and realizes she can’t immediately hit the beach and show off her new bod.
Once both Jade and her surgery are wrapped up, Christy reports back to the facility to begin her motherly duties. Jade is coming down from her sweet, sweet anesthesia high, and it’s a lot to take in – especially for Christy.
Before a mummified Jade makes her way down to the car, her dad Corey (not the mumbling one that lives in the holler) turns the back of a van into a makeshift teen-mom transporter by inflating a mattress that he and Christy undoubtedly slept on a few hundred times prior to this moment. Meanwhile, Christy gets some instructions from Jade’s nurses regarding her recovery.
As the nurses roll Jade’s barely coherent self to the van, Christy attempts to comforts Jade, first by shoving a puke bucket in her face and then by declaring in the parking garage, “Jade, your boobs are huge.” Christy, Corey and some likely very concerned nurses go on to shovel Jade’s freshly hacked-up body into the back of the van, onto
Christy and Corey’s former love pad the air mattress.
You seriously can’t make this crap up!
Jade tells Christy she’s in excruciating pain and asks about her pain medicine. Christy tells Jade none of the pharmacies around them had Percocet because of “all of the plastic surgeons,” so they will drop Jade off with Sean and then head back out to get their hands on her pills. Jade tells Christy she can’t be in as much pain as she’s currently in for another hour, to which Christy says she won’t make Jade wait an hour and will bring her pain medication “right back.”
We head back to California next. Before Ashley and Bar have a chance to register for tacky home goods, they learn they must relocate to a new home – one that will ultimately house said-tacky home goods. Ashley says the landlord of their current home wants to move back in and she’d prefer not to shack up with a ’Teen Mom 2’ cast member (plus Bus Pass Bar and a toddler).
Ashley and Bar end up finding a new home to rent, though Ashley says because the landlord was “skeptical” to rent a brand new home, they end up having to fork over rent for the entire year.
Even though Ashley and Bar will most likely have to postpone their engagement party, Ashley says it’s worth it because she and her family won’t have to “live under a bridge.” Instead, they’ll get to
stage this rental for filming purposes deal with a “skeptical” landlord for the next year while living in a house they don’t own. In Modesto.
Nevertheless, Bar and Ashley are pumped about their temporary home, especially the large backyard. Bar tells Ashley he plans to set up a man cave in the new home, and Ashley is down for it, though she tells Bar she’ll be hanging in the man cave right along with him, “with a man wig.”
As for Holly, she loves the new place and quickly makes herself at home.
Back in Miami, Briana and “Shirley” arrive at Jade’s rental 30 minutes after Christy and Corey take off to hunt for Jade’s allegedly exclusive pills. Sean fills Briana and “Shirley” in on what’s going on and they are shocked, because evidently they fast-forward through Jade’s scenes.
Two hours later, Christy is still MIA and Jade is still without any pain medication so Sean FINALLY decides to call Christy to see what the hold up is. Christy still insists that “no place” has the Percs, so Sean demands that she just get something – literally anything – that will ease Jade’s pain.
Though Christy’s phone allegedly doesn’t have service and only works on wifi, (or something super believable like that) Briana decides to use those precious few moments to talk to Christy herself.
While Briana talks to Christy, Sean vents to the producers about how irresponsible Christy is and how none of what she’s doing makes sense at the moment and we couldn’t agree more – which also doesn’t make any sense. If Sean is the voice of reason, you know things are a mess.
After Briana gets off the phone, she tells Sean that Christy was crying on the phone, but Sean insists “it’s an act.” Sean is fully convinced that Christy isn’t telling the truth and is “full of sh*t.” Jade, full of something else at the moment, kicks the cameras out so she can go to the bathroom with some assistance. While the cameras are still outside, Briana tells Jade what’s going on with her medicine and Jade gets emotional.
Briana assures Jade that Christy is “trying” and feels really bad about not being there with her… just not bad enough to return with her pills.
Briana tells the producers the stressful situation going on in Jade’s rental is making her sweaty and also (probably) very appreciative of her forever housemates, Roxanne and Brittany. When she goes back inside, she tells Jade that Christy is coming back with the prescriptions to hand them off relay-style to someone capable of completing very basic tasks.
Jade says she was worried her family would pull some shenanigans like this, because apparently scoring a free vacation to Miami just wasn’t enough for them.
Once hour three hits and Christy still hasn’t resurfaced, HBIC Larry rolls up to the house and tells Sean he needs to decide if Jade should go to the hospital.
Larry says with Jade having major surgery and currently no medication, it’s up to Sean to determine if he feels Jade has proper care to get her through the night. Because Jade is not only without proper care, but basically without care period, Sean agrees that the hospital is the way to go, though Larry tells him they’ll have to transport Jade via ambulance, as Christy took off with the crusty air mattress.
After getting the OK from Jade, Sean tells the crew to call 911, and Briana, who is dying for some camera time, takes it upon herself to make the call.
That’s all for this episode! Click here to read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’