It’s time for the season finale of Teen Mom OG! Although we just watched a baby be birthed on the last episode, babies will continue to slip ‘n’ slide out of the not-so-teenaged moms’ loins this week too!
I mean, is it even ‘Teen Mom’ if someone’s not on a Pitocin drip and screaming at their partner to “hold my leg?”
Take a shot of caster oil and put your feet up (in the stirrups) and let’s get started!
Before the spawn spewin’ and whatnot, we first check in with Amber. Thank the Baby Jesus God Leah, she’s not one of the moms having another kid.
Instead, we pick up where we left off last episode, with Gary attending Ambie’s therapy session with her psychiatrist….who is, for some reason, a child psychiatrist. (Maybe she’s really taking what Kristina said about Amber being like her and Gary’s teenage daughter to heart?)
Amber tells us that she’s worried Gar-Bear won’t take the session seriously. (Something tells me Amber is more worried that Gary will call her out on her crap, rather than her worrying Gary will make fart noises with his armpits and tell the Doc to pull his finger or something.)
They go inside and Gary tells the doctor that he’s the one Amber’s probably been yammering on about for years. The doctor just chuckles like, “Oh…if you only knew…”
Amber tells the Doc that she’s tired of Gary being skeptical about how mentally ill she is, so she tells her doctor to tell Gary about her mental illnesses (which she, again, reminds us are the “top” mental illnesses because…it’s Amber. Of course she does.)
The doctor confirms that Amber has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, which could account for why she has been known to turn “rill woman” and chuck TVs at people, threaten to Kung Fu fight her fans and frequently try to beat the BeJesus out of people with her fights ‘o’ fury.
Gary says he has seen changes in Amber recently.
“She don’t get as angry as much,” Gary insists.
He then wants to talk about her Instagram screamin’ sessions but doesn’t know how to…without having to fear for his own safety. (He showed up to this session without a helmet and protective padding— what a daredevil!)
Gary informs Amber and the Doc that Leah watches all of Amber’s Instagram videos and gets embarrassed when her friends see her Mama screaming in a kimono on The Interwebs, threatening to karate-chop a random fan who said she was ugly or something.
“She doesn’t, like, want that,” Gary says of Leah.
“I was having a really horrible manic episode and you go through mania for a couple of weeks and you talk a lot of s**t and then, like, you just feel horrible afterwards and when you get down [from the mania], you’re like, ‘Oh man, how do I fix this? Can I fix this?’
“How do you explain that to a 12-year-old?” Amber added.
Amber’s psychiatrist also explained to Amber how harmful her Instagram ranting can be to her daughter.
[Leah’s] peers are not on TV,” he said. “And so they probably don’t totally understand it. And I’m not saying that you, Amber, don’t need to be careful about what you post. I think you do, and I actually think you’ve been doing overall a better job than way back when.”
Amber then informed Gary that she now has her manager handling her Instagram account.
Next, we swing up to Michigan, where Catelynn is still sulking that Tyler and her (and her about-to-burst uterus) couldn’t get anyone in their families to call out from their actual jobs so they could watch Cate and Ty’s kids while they went on their 14th vacation of the year.
Catelynn says Tyler’s surprise dinner was “so sweet” (but, you know, it was no babymoon.)
Cate is 38 weeks pregnant and ready to blow like Mt. Vesuvius at any moment. (She also has a mean case of the Cankles.)
Tyler admires Cate’s swollen hooves, and Catelynn makes it clear that this is absolutely the last child she expelling. She’s had restless legs, swollen feet, and the inability to sleep. (If you throw in “seeing molecules,” you’d think she had what Jenelle is/was suffering from.)
They decide that it would not be good to have the baby in the car. (Do you know how much Walmart brand dishwashing liquid April would have to use to scrub placenta off those car seats?!)
Later, the therapy horses are galloping all over the Octagon yard and the kids are screaming inside, so we know something’s a-brewing. Everyone’s talking about Catelynn’s membranes (ew) and her doctor’s bloody glove after hand-shaking Cate’s vagina (also ew.)
Next, we head to Los Angeles. It’s a whole three weeks after her baby boy was born and Cheyenne is already beginning to feel like her old self: monotoned and ready to throw a party. The only thing standing–- or rather eating, sleeping, crapping, crying–- in her way, however, is this newborn human she decided she wanted so badly.
With Zach still sticking with this whole real-estate storyline, he’s too busy studying during the day to help Cheyenne with Ace and Ryder, leaving MTV’s top earner Cory to be the hero that swoops in to “watch” his own daughter on the weekends. After a Cory parenting/babysitting sesh, Cheyenne admits to Cory that the stress of having two kids is a lot to get used to, to which he suggests she take some time to
compete on The Challenge focus on herself.
Cheyenne jokes that people often complement Cory’s amazing dad skills, when in reality he’s more annoying than he is a good father.
I think that’s nice…
Cory responds by reminding Cheyenne that she threw Zach out of her car earlier this season after turning into the Chey-Hulk.
Fearing Cheyenne may eventually turn green and start stomping on or around him, Cory offers to keep Ryder for a couple of extra days whenever Cheyenne needs some more help.
Later on, Cheyenne tells Zach she’s found a company that offers “postpartum belly wraps and recovery experiences” and she wants to get in on the action because even though it’s not a themed party, it’s something.
Zach takes a study break to parent baby Ace solo while Cheyenne goes to her mom’s house to have her belly wrapped and womb honored among a room full of candles.
After getting her belly rub/wrap, Cheyenne heads home and immediately begins talking about wedding planning because… Cheyenne
Down in Florida, Mackenzie’s family is still in town and providing her a nice distraction from the madness of her own creation: aka her children. During the visit, Mackenzie shows off many luxurious Florida hotspots including her backyard and her front yard. She also takes her family out on a boat where the fish are the ones biting…instead of Mack’s kids, for once.
While out on the boat, Mackenzie’s dad Brad asks if he can take the girl youngin’ back to Oklahoma with him for the summer. Despite Jaxie struggling in school, Mackenzie later tells her trusty phone BFF Cayla that she’s considering letting Jaxie go with Brad because it will be one less human around destroying the house and screaming for no reason at all.
Later on, Mackenzie tells Josh about the amazing offer they’ve received to send 1/3 of their herd to Oklahoma for the summer, and Josh is suddenly very insistent that Jaxie take her “studies” seriously while she’s away… ya know, because he and Mackenzie have always been sticklers when it comes to “the learnins'” and whatnot.
Josh then reverts back to his old self and points out that with one rugrat gone, they’ll only have the runaway and the garage crapper to worry about.
Mackenzie points out that with Jaxie in Oklahoma for the summer, she’ll also be able to “spy on my dad better” regarding what he eats when she isn’t around. Josh says the only thing Jaxie will be doing to help Brad in the nutrition department, is splitting his greasy McDonald’s meals with him.
Next we check in with Maci, fresh off her video chat with Dr. Carol. During the session, Maci and Taylor were instructed to take some time for themselves– away from the Oopsie Babies and messy garage– to reconnect as a couple. Ya know… because they suddenly have
no more storylines this season marital problems.
Maci calls her friend Keelie to tell her how much she’s dreading a night out with the man she willingly married.
I think that’s nice…
Maci says she’s worried she and Taylor won’t have anything to talk about on their date and they’ll realize they really need Ryan and his family back on this show so that Maci has someone to bitch about and will leave Taylor alone.
After dropping off Jayde and the Blond Billy Ray Cyrus Boys at her parents’ house, Maci begrudgingly hops back into the car so she and Taylor can kick off their date night from hell at a bed and breakfast.
The night begins with a quiet dinner for two that isn’t quite quiet enough for Maci, due entirely to Taylor’s chewing. Maci is literally sitting there, just looking at Taylor like he’s the dandruff from Ryan’s gray wig hairdo.
“I’m gonna need earplugs for you eating that toast,” says the woman who lives in a house with three loud as hell children.
Taylor tells Maci he’s chewing as quietly as possible, but things only get worse as dinner goes on– and by “things” we mean the expressions on Maci’s face.
After a few more moments of Maci biting on a breadstick to keep from jumping over that Laura Ashley table and chair set and strangling the life out of Taylor, the McKinneys head outside to sit by the fire and hopefully not throw each another into it. While sitting by the fire pit– champagne and beers in hand, natch– Maci tells Taylor “this year has been gnarly” and it’s going to “create so many divorces.”
Despite Maci’s ill-timed comment, Taylor tries to turn things around by asking Maci to hold his hand, which goes about as well as their dinner conversation.
Does PCOS make you incredibly awful and bitchy? Or is that just Maci?
Maci eventually remembers the cameras are filming this disaster of a date night, so she gives in and holds Taylor’s hand. She then starts asking him why he’s with her– a question I’m also asking after this episode– to which he says, “because I love you.”
Maci responds by telling Taylor that she loves “a lot of people that I can’t freaking stand,” as if she’s wanting Taylor to call her out for being a giant pain in the ass. (Honestly, same.)
Maci then tells Taylor she’s with him because she “likes” him and that life with him is basically better than being forever alone.
Geez, Maci, save some of that romance for the bedroom!
Once again, Taylor ignores Maci’s ice cold comments and says he couldn’t imagine his life without her
or her MTV paychecks.
“You really can’t imagine?” Maci asks Taylor. “I know I’ll be OK without you. I would be alone, with Benny. That’s it. Simple as that.”
Maci then compliments Taylor for snagging such a wonderful woman such as herself.
“I don’t like people,” she tells him. “So the fact that I even liked you was impressive.”
Before calling it a night, Taylor and Maci clink their glasses to five
happy years of marriage, with Maci throwing in one more “marriage is hard,” for good measure.
That scene was harder to get through than a week on Bentley’s 1200 calorie wrestling diet, y’all! Pheeew!
Back in Indiana, we are still at the therapist’s office with Amber and Gary.
Amber attempts to explain to Gary why she neglected Leah for big chunks of time while she was being a “rill woman who stands up for her man.” She says that it’s because she had bruises on her face and didn’t want Leah to see.
Now we know that the reasons Amber couldn’t see Leah all those times was not because she was off on vacations, or sleeping until noon, or boning some rando Belgium guy or filming a TV show or giving her booooyfriends lie-detector tests!
“Leah’s affected by her mom not coming around,” Gary tells the Doc, totally bypassing Amber’s bruised face story.
The doctor suggests that Leah needs someone— perhaps a child psychiatrist?— to talk to and tell her feelings to. He doesn’t name exactly who he thinks should take the job, though.
Meanwhile in Florida, Mackenzie sits down with Jaxie to make sure she wants to actually go. When Jaxie responds to the proposal with a full-bodied happy dance/shake, Mackenzie gets her answer.
Despite Jaxie managing to get through the school year without either one of her parents keeping an eye on her, Mackenzie insists that while she’s in Oklahoma, Jaxie will need to stay on top of her schoolwork, which Mackenzie says she will be enforcing from Florida.
Umm, Mackenzie can’t even get her kids to listen to her when they’re literally crawling on top of her, but she thinks she can get Jaxie to follow directions from a whole different state? Sure,
Before Brad & Company head back to Oklahoma, they shovel some biscuits and assorted fried food into their mouths for breakfast and Mackenzie lets the family know that “Jaxie has a surprise for everyone.”
A few moments later, Jaxie emerges from the hallway rolling her suitcase behind her, eager to bid farewell to Florida for the summer and just as eager to hit the road, grab a Happy Meal, and start thinking of ways to dodge her school assignments for the next month.
Back in Michigan, we are treated to the sounds of Catelynn grunting and groaning because the Spawn ‘o’ Tyler Part 4 is barreling through her loins. They call Kim to watch the Carly Clones and then head off to the hospital. They don’t even have time to hitch the horse trailer to the back of the car, so I guess Cate will have to expel this child without a therapy horse.
Since Cate is known for shooting her babies out of womb faster than you can say “Still not a boy,” Tyler drives as fast as he can to the hospital. Meanwhile, Catelynn is assuring herself that she’s a “tough bitch” who can do this labor without an epidural.
By the time they get to the hospital, Catelynn is already 9 centimeters dilated, so Carly Clone No. 3 is ready to slip ‘n’ slide her way out.
After only three hours of labor,
Tezlee Rya Rose arrives.
“Welcome to a crazy family!” Tyler tells Rya. (That’s the understatement of the damn century, dude.)
They call up April to tell her the good news. Then they call up Kim to show her and Nova the new baby.
Nova makes sure to remind Tyler that he now has three Carly Clones to take care of.
“It’s going to be a lot of work,” she tells him.
(I can’t believe they didn’t bleep it when she said the “W” word!)
Nova says she loves her new sister and they are all excited to bring
Carly No. 3 Rya home.
That’s it for this episode (and season) of ‘Teen Mom OG!’ To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recap, click here!