Well, we’re back for another episode of Teen Mom Family Reunion…
The Ashley will give the dozen or so of you still watching this litter box of a show a second to calm down.
Anyway, we’re back at the resort to watch these spoiled, rich perma-teens drink, fight and cry, all while everyone is wearing Fashion Nova frocks that are just randomly missing huge portions of them.
Everyone is really starting to get along now… so, naturally, the producers have decided to “mix things up” and bring in someone who can cause more conflict. Sadly, though, they didn’t call in Briana‘s mom Roxanne and her trusty pair of Hush Puppies. (Give Roxy some proper footwear and someone who dissed her daughter and things will get interesting real damn fast!)
Instead, they called in Farrah, who hasn’t been back on one of these ‘Teen Mom’ shows since her butt was booted for doing butt p0rn and whatnot. Farrah is still doing butt p0rn and whatnot, but now the show is more desperate so I guess that means it’s OK to bring her back? I have no clue. I just hope she keeps her Backdoor in her Fashion Novas for the sake of humanity!
Before they wheel out Farrah (and whatever version of her mug she’s currently sporting), though, we will have to sit through a couple of cast injuries, a trip to the hospital and another surprise guest. (Jesus God Leah, please let it be Debz OG. The only thing that could save this horrific show now is Debz strutting in wearing a pair of Farrah’s skintight snakeskin pleather pants, narrating this show via rap.)
MAKE THIS HAPPEN, MTV! WE DESERVE THIS!
This episode picks up with Briana and Devoin– aka “D”– still hashing things out with the help of Coach B. Devoin insists he doesn’t care about “Camera A or B” and that he knows it’s TV but he wants to be real.
Why does this scene sound like someone reading an eye chart? So D tells Coach B that he doesn’t care about camera A or B or that he’s on TV?
Make it stop!
Devoin tells Bri that he wants Nova to know the truth about him, instead of the narrative she’s been sticking to for the show. (As fans know, Bri and the rest of the DeJesus Coven have been calling Devoin a deadbeat dad, etc. for years— all the way back to when Roxy tried to throw a flowerpot at his head during Teen Mom 3. Ahhh…memories…)
Briana says she doesn’t want to “repeat an old pattern,” which is basically they fight, both run to social media to bash each other and someone ends up in court.
Briana says Devoin had been unstable until only recently. Now, he’s somewhat stable and living with his girlfriend. Briana says she has no problem with Devoin’s boo, but questions where Nova’s “safe space” is when she’s at their house because Nova doesn’t have a room, or even her own bed, when she’s there.
Devoin tells Coach B he’s at this reunion
because he didn’t want to turn down a free vacation for Nova.
Um…yes, I can see how you having two weeks of San Diego fun in the sun will benefit the girl.
He says he’s also here so Briana can really get to know him and understand that he only wants the best for their daughter.
Coach B reminds Briana and Devoin that they don’t have to be together, but they did bang without protection, so now they have a child together. Briana reminds us that Devoin neglected Nova when she was younger, and while it’s great that he’s around now, that still makes her (and her Coven) wary that he’s a good dad.
Devoin becomes emotional while talking about not having a bond with Nova. He promises Briana he will continue stepping up and doing more. Briana promises to stop “overtalking” Devoin. (I guess they’ll take turns screaming at each other from now on?)
The next day, after Brittany encourages the gang to plow through chafing dishes of chicken and waffles, we get to listen to Amber complain about her sunburned feet.
They still make Amber plod her charred hooves out to the van, because everyone is going somewhere to do an outdoor activity involving giant inflatables. And no, we’re not talking about any of the moms’ surgically enhanced body parts.
The girls have donned their finest booty shorts, swapmeet leggings and crop tops, since they’re about to be “athletic.”
Gary looks concerned.
As soon as one of the moms comments that the obstacle course looks like something from The Challenge, we immediately know where this is going… enter Cheyenne’s (first) baby daddy Cory, current ‘Challenge’ um…star… and the unofficial mascot of bad MTV reality shows.
That’s right, a mere mention of ‘The Challenge,’ and Cory will appear out of thin air, ready to collect another MTV check and another entry on his IMDb page.
Much to Cory’s delight, the moms and dads (and Spandex-wearing sister and random plus one) greet him on the field while pretending to be excited about whatever the hell is about to go down.
Cory picks Cheyenne to be the captain of one team, while he– of course– designates himself to be the captain of the other team. Teams are then picked dodgeball-style, with Amber announcing to the group that she’s sitting out for this activity due to her barbecued paws.
I, for one, am really disappointed that we won’t get to watch Amber flop onto an inflatable slide, screaming “I’M DONE!”
At the end, the DeJesus sisters are the only two remaining and Devoin is left to make the final selection. Despite Brittany’s warning, Devoin picks Briana.
After Amber announces that she’s “sitting now” (again…too easy…) the obstacle course race thing begins. Zach absolutely smokes Briana, who ends up falling out of the inflatable slide as her boobs fall out of her Fashion Nova Athletic Wear sports bra. It’s a whole mess– one that can only be outdone by Gary, who loses a shoe 30 seconds into his run.
Cory reminds everyone that losing on ‘The Challenge’ is his “day job.”
Everyone continues bouncing around more than Bri’s Dr. Miami-supplied ample bosom in that flimsy bra. Briana goes for round two on the obstacle course. She’s struggling to heave all that spandex and silicone over the wall, telling us it’s rough(er than having sex in the bathroom at an Orlando club.)
Briana’s finally able to complete the obstacle course. However, she gasses out while running to the finish line, ultimately collapsing to the ground and telling everyone (multiple times) that she can’t breathe.
Producers, paramedics and Chau (gotta get that airtime!) run over to Briana, who is lying on the ground.
She’s screaming over and over that she can’t breathe. Cheyenne wonders if Briana is just being “dramatic,” given that all the girl had to do was run like 15 feet after sliding down a big slide.
“I have these at my kids’ parties!” Cheyenne says.
They call the medics who check her vitals, give her some water and load her into a car, with Brittany riding in the backseat. During the car ride Brittany notices Briana’s head falling to the side as if she’s losing consciousness, at which point someone calls 911.
Moments later, an ambulance arrives and Briana is loaded into the back of it on a stretcher. (Safety first! MTV will be damned if they’ll get sued over this diaper-pail-of-a-show!)
Later on, Briana FaceTimes Brittany from inside the hospital, IV in arm and hooked to some machines. Briana says her heart rate is being monitored, so she will be with the medics “for a while.” (Or at least until this outdoor fitness nonsense is over.)
Back at the field, Cory tells the cast members who didn’t pass out from exhaustion that he appreciates them for “having high energy.”
When the cast gets back to the hotel, everyone is sore and tired from “Cory Day.”
Ok, hold up. These people are in their twenties and early thirties and they went down a slide. They are acting like they just went through boot camp! JESUS GOD LEAH.
Cheyenne and Maci get together to talk about how great this “reunion” experience is and how they think it should happen once a year.
Maci and Cheyenne talk about how the reunion has confirmed that they still have identities outside of being mothers. They are relieved that they can still be stars of bad reality TV shows without their kids.
Maci also talks about how she was
pelvic thrust into motherhood after getting pregnant the night she lost her virginity.
Meanwhile, Brittany is still lurking in the parking lot of the hospital because she knows she’ll have to face Roxy— and her shoe!— if anything happens to Briana.
She checks in with Jade to tell her Briana is getting an EKG and won’t be returning just yet. While
faking expressing his concern along with some of the other cast, Cory says he feels bad.
Leah, meanwhile, is “standing in her power” and telling herself how great she looks in the mirror. (Um…I think she’s been hanging around Cory too long…)
Later on, Coach B meets with the three “OG” moms. They talk about how weird it is to be around a cast that fights all the time. Maci comments that the ‘Teen Mom OG’ cast hasn’t had any drama.. “at least since Farrah left.”
Coach B says she is going to do some coaching on “you and self.” (No, really.)
Coach B whips out a podium and says they are focusing on childhood trauma in this activity. Her strategy for doing this? Making the moms stand in front of mammoth-sized posters of their giant teenage heads.
AS YOU DO.
“Why is my head so big?” Maci says.
Um…because MTV has been paying you ridiculous amounts of money since you let Ryan Edwards insert his spawn into your underage hoo-ha…
Maci stands inches away from the massive photo of her knocked-up-teenage self, explaining how she felt in that moment.
(Also, can I just say that whoever chose the photos used here obviously isn’t a fan of Maci? They used the worst photo of Maci, while Chey and Amber got glamour shots! WTF?)
Coach B then instructs her to “free baby Maci” and they hug it out.
Cheyenne is up next, and Coach B whips out a photo that in all honesty, could’ve been taken within the last year.
Cheyenne talks about how, even though she wasn’t a teen mom when she gave birth, she felt as though she was…again, despite being in her mid-twenties at the time.
Last up is Amber, who looks as though she doesn’t recognize the person in the photo, mostly likely because she refuses to open her eyes.
After Amber manages to peel herself off of the banana-colored couch and crack open those peepers, she confesses to the group that when she looks at the photo of her teenage self, the first thing she notices is her fake smile.
She goes on to tell the group that when the photo of her was taken, she was in a lot of pain and wasn’t ready to be a mom.
OK wait, though. Sadly, The Ashley knows way too much about ‘Teen Mom’ and recognizes that this photo of Amber was taken while Ambie was dating Matt Baier…so she had been a mom to Leah for years by then. Why not use a pic of Amber when she had her Roseanne Barr bangs? That was the real teen Amber.
Amber apologizes to her “alleged” teenage self for not receiving the love she needed, as Coach B assures her it wasn’t her fault. After bringing all three of the moms to tears, Coach B wraps up the activity and heads back to her room to scheme up some more wacky team building exercises.
Later that night, a car pulls up to the resort as menacing music plays in the background, which can only mean one thing: something bad is coming, and that something bad is named Farrah.
Before busting into the reunion unannounced, Farrah– and Farrah’s ranch-hand/elementary-school librarian getup– stops by her room to unpack and (presumably) feed on the soul of a random stranger before the festivities kick off.
She tells us all about her life now, as they show photos of Farrah and her now-12-year-old daughter Sophia. (I feel bad for whatever production assistant was given the task of finding photos of Farrah that are PG enough to show on TV.)
We get to see some old clips of Farrah fighting with Maci, and Farrah fighting with Amber. They show a clip of Amber charging Farrah on-stage at a reunion, screaming that she’ll stand up for her man because she’s a felon and a “rill woman” and whatnot.
Damn I miss the olden days of this crap show.
Meanwhile, Briana is released from the hospital, and makes her grand exit in a stolen hospital blanket and no shoes. She tells us that she was dehydrated and overworked.
While that is going down, the rest of the gang is at the resort playing a few drinking games and listening to Gary talk about his nipples.
Briana and Brittany finally arrive from the hospital and Briana says she is no longer allowed to take part in physical activities during the reunion.
Brittany and Briana chat for a bit before heading to their room to get some rest. Unfortunately, this prevents them from seeing the human trainwreck that is Farrah make the world’s most uncomfortable entrance…
Farrah is walking out to where the group is.
We all know she’s narrating this whole thing in her head like she’s on an episode of ‘E! True Hollywood Story’:
“Farrah walked out like the model that she is, clearly knowing that she’s worlds above the group she was about to see. She sashayed in, feeling the familiar heat from the set lights, which, although bright, were pale in comparison to Farrah’s stardom.”
Farrah hears the cheers coming from the yard, as the other cast members do shots in honor of Briana not dying on the obstacle course.
Farrah comes around the corner, and Gary tells us he sees “a familiar face.”
Um…Farrah’s had like 15 different faces since the last time you saw her, Gar.
Not everyone is happy to see Farrah, though.
“I feel a demonic presence!” Ashley tells the camera. “It’s creeping up on me!”
Wait until she throws a bag of frozen peas at you and tells you to shut the hell up!
Meanwhile, Cory looks shocked. (He’s probably never seen anyone who has been on even half as many crappy MTV reality shows as he has until this point.)
We are hit with a “To be continued…” screen, ending this week’s dumpster fire of an episode.
That’s all for this week’s episode!
The read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom Family Reunion’ recaps, click here!