Well kids, we made it to Week 4! Last week’s episode of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter was quite the doozy: from Ambie fighting for custody, to a fight within the DeJesus coven and even a trip under the knife for Catelynn! It’s going to be hard to top last week’s episode’s unless of course, people start throwing chairs/shoes/full Diaper Genies at one another. Hey, this is ‘Teen Mom,’ so that could totally happen.
We kick things off this episode down ‘er in the holler with Leah and the girlseseses. Leah is showing “the gals” her new house, giving them a tour of the patio, and a living room with wallpaper greener than Addie’s teeth after eating a can of St. Patty’s Day frosting.
(Sadly, we didn’t get to see Leah and Jaylan‘s lovenest— where the next girlseses will surely be conceived— or Jay’s closet, where he keeps an ample supply of ladies’-sized trousers and matching logo-emblazoned coats.
The producers have rounded up a sampling of the girlseseses to pepper Jaylan and Leah with questions about marriage. Everyone is trying their best to act like there isn’t a producer standing two feet off camera, prompting the twinseseses to ask about marriage, but, much like Leah taking her real estate exam, they are failing miserably.
Leah asks the girlseses if they want her and Jaylan to get hitched one day. Aleeah says yes. Jaylan is shocked that Ali also said yes, given the fact that every time Jaylan’s been around Ali since we’ve met him, she’s looked like this:
Aleeah is really putting in the work this episode. She then asks Jaylan and Leah if there will be any spawn shooting out of Leah’s hooter any time soon. Jaylan and Leah are surprised to hear that the twinseseses want another sibling. (Aleeah even says she wants a girl because she can dress “it” up. I think that’s nice…)
Jaylan says he doesn’t care if he has a boy or a girl, but he prefers a boy. (That’s not surprising, given that he will probably be sharing clothes with the kid a few months after he pops out of Leah’s spawn shooter.)
Leah acts like she’s surprised to hear that Jaylan wants to add another kid to her already extensive litter. (Um… didn’t they talk about this before buying a house together?)
“I didn’t intend on having any more children,” Leah says.
However, Leah says that, because she and Jaylan now have all their money together and whatnot, she (and her legs) are open to the idea of getting knocked up again.
Next we shoot up to Michigan where Catelynn is telling “the gals” that she always thought she was going to have a “house full of kids and basically a zoo” but now that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.
Um…she already has three Not-Carlys, a bunch of therapy horses, cats, dogs and an occasional Butch living at the Octagon ‘o’ Triggers. I think you’re there, girl.
Cate tells the girls that her body is done making female Tyler spawn, and she wants to be able to bang Tyler without condoms or the worry of getting pregnant with another Not-Carly. Therefore, Catelynn tells Tyler that it’s time for him to get a vasectomy…or, as she so eloquently puts it, “get your balls snipped.”
Ew. Damn you, Catelynn for making me think of Tyler and his balls!
Tyler doesn’t even fight the ball-snipping suggestion. He says he was ready to be neutered even before the last Not-Carly was born.
“Our biological job to our population and our species is done!” he declares.
While Ty is happy to go get his junk weed-wacked, he’s still a little mad that the universe gave him four girls— Carly and the three Not-Carlys— and never a son.
MTV then starts pumping some weird disco music for a scene about Tyler’s balls. As you do…
Later, Cate’s friend (who is, of course, named Amber because everyone in Catelynn’s life is named Amber, I swear) comes over to talk about Tyler’s balls. Amber asks Catelynn if she’s going to regret Tyler having a vasectomy.
“When do you decide, like, how many kids is enough?” Cate asks.
Catelynn says having four Tyler spawns has been rough on her body, and she doesn’t want to keep popping them out. She admits that she’s sad that they never had a boy, despite all the procreating they’ve done, and how disappointed she is that she got stuck with three female Not-Carlys. (She says this while her daughter Nova is literally right there, by the way.)
Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, Cheyenne is looking for a storyline that is not about “the incident” (aka when Zach‘s “friend” got the fam showered with bullets and whatnot.) This week, she’s scrapping the bottom of the storyline barrel by talking about her daughter Ryder’s nail polish line launch.
Chey says that Ryder likes to paint nails so, naturally, they have to create an entire line of nail polishes for her. (Um…when we were kids we were using whiteout to paint our nails but OK…)
Later, Zach talks to Cheyenne about wanting to leave the area. He says he’s ready to flee following the shooting.
Cheyenne says that she wants to move into a safer area so Ryder can ride her bike outside and not have to worry about all those “stray” bullets coming near them again.
In the next scene, Cheyenne has a totally different hair color. (Damn do I miss the olden days of “Teen Mom,’ when the producers would make the girls wear horrific Halloween Fright Night wigs to cover up any changes they made to their hair to keep the continuality.)
She calls up her sister, R U Really Not Gonna Address The Hair Change? to chat about the nail polish launch and the possibility of relocating. R U Gonna Have A Guest Room For Me says it would be a great idea to move out of the house and neighborhood, so Chey wouldn’t have “the reminder” that she had been involved in a shooting.
Cheyenne, Zach and a real estate agent go look at some houses that are being built in a cul-de-sac far away from the gun-a-polooza that is their current neighborhood. Cheyenne likes that the new neighborhood would be gated and that she would have a lot more privacy.
They stare at a blank lot and both agree that they like the dirt or whatever, and just decide to buy “it” right then and there. That was easy!
When we make our way to Modesto, California, this episode, we find Ashley holding it down while Bar wraps up his stint in rehab. Although Ashley has been able to talk to her four-browed boo on the phone while he’s away, she’s “frickin’ lonely” and ready for him to come home. (Apparently the Ye Olde Pocket Rocket just ain’t doing the trick anymore?)
Bar calls Ashley and says he can’t believe he’s been at the ‘hab for almost 30 days, as if Ashley hasn’t been keeping track of the days herself via Spouse In The Rehab House app.
Ashley says Bar’s 30-day absence has also been tough for their daughter, Holly. To prove her point, Ashley pokes her head inside the house to see if she “can find” Holly, telling her that her dad is on the phone and wants to talk. Holly excitedly hauls ass down the hallway, happier than Shen after receiving a new selfie of her “fine ass” son.
Bar tells Holly that he’s going to be coming home soon and Holly can barely contain herself.
Later on, Ashley calls her mom, Tea, to ask if she can keep an eye on Holly when she picks up Bar from the airport. Ashley tells Tea that Bar is flying in from Texas and is under the impression that he’ll be taking an Uber home, but she’s actually planning to surprise Bar and meet him at the airport herself.
Tea asks if Ashley is happy to have Bar back at home soon, and Ashley unenthusiastically replies, “yeah.” Tea says Bar is in a place “where he can get his ducks in order,” and she’s proud of him for getting the help he needed. Ashley says she’s proud, too, but wants to stress (again) that “it’s been a long 30 days.”
Down in Florida, it’s time for another DeJesus celebration– and no, Briana isn’t throwing another lawsuit victory party in the living room of an Airbnb. This particular celebration is for Stella’s preschool graduation and because her dad, Luis, has been answering his phone and showing his face occasionally, Briana is hopeful that her bummy bald-headed baby daddy will do the right thing and show up.
Briana tells Brittany that she’s informed Luis of Stella’s graduation details and she’s confident that he’ll show up, even if doing so will require him to wake up before noon. (I’m sure it’s hard to roll out of bed after a lit night of spinning tunes at the Orlando Denny’s.)
Brittany suggests Briana have a backup plan ready in case Luis is a no-show, but Briana–- who has clearly never learned a single thing from one of her many mistakes–- is convinced that Luis won’t let them down.
On the day of Stella’s car-parade graduation, Briana and Co. load up in their decorated vehicle and head out, right as Briana receives a text from Luis asking what time the graduation starts. When Briana informs him it’s happening now, Luis replies, “Damn I thought it was later.”
I am shocked. SHOCKED I TELLS YA!
Back at home, Stella’s graduation party begins with some backyard hibachi and water-gun squirting.
In the middle of the celebration (and out of absolutely nowhere), Roxanne announces that she “just realized” Luis isn’t at Stella’s fiesta. Before Roxanne has a chance to say anything else, Briana stops her and says they’re not talking about Luis right now. As for Stella, she isn’t letting her no-showing deadbeat dad rain on her graduation parade.
Meanwhile, Leah is getting all gussied up to go celebrate her best friend’s 30th birthday. Sadly, this “friend” is not Chasity or Kayla-with-the-asymmetrical-bob. Leah has seemingly ditched all her holler pals for new, sophisticated broads who go to fancy restaurants (that serve wine…NOT out of a box) and say things like “We gonna turn up!” This disappoints The Ashley greatly.
Jaylan’s twin sister Jess randomly joins the festivities, even though it seems like literally no one at the table knows her. (But, hey, MTV probably told them that if they let Jaylan’s sister come to their party, the network will foot the bill for the Ubers and whatnot.)
Even though this dinner is supposed to be about whatever friend is having a birthday, Jess quickly turns the convo to Leah and Jaylan getting hitched and popping out babies. (Seriously, did MTV offer a Starbucks gift card to anyone willing to push the marriage-and-family convo this episode?)
The entire table is just sitting there in silence as they realize that this night has quickly become all about Leah.
The next day, Leah and her crew rent a boat to celebrate her random friend’s birthday. Leah once again finds a way to bring of Jaylan, prompting a conversation about her and Jaylan having kids. The birthday girl, who is white, apparently has a child with a Black man, so she asks Leah if she has thought about what it would be like to raise a girlseses who is Black instead of white.
The other girls begin to tell their experiences raising Black children and Leah starts to look concerned.
Later, Leah tells the camera that the conversation she had about race really upset her. She vows to do what she can to change society.
I don’t know about you all, but I’m breathing a sigh of relief that Leah Messer Simms Calvert (almost) Mobley is gonna be tackling that pesky racism problem we have!
Back in Michigan, Catelynn is telling “the gals” how nervous Tyler is to have his balls snipped. (Sadly none of the “gals” tell Catelynn to stop talking to them about Tyler’s ballsack so this uncomfortable conversation continues.)
Tyler seems to be unaware that a surgical procedure could produce pain. Catelynn is laughing her sidebangs off, talking about all the frozen vegetables she’s going to put on his neutered nutsack.
Tyler decides to call up Gary, who, as you may remember, had a vasectomy (on camera) a few seasons back.
“I’m here to talk about your f**king balls!” Tyler tells Gary. (I mean, who doesn’t want to talk about Gary’s balls? Me. The answer is me.)
Gary informs Tyler that he will feel “pretty much everything,” although they do numb the area a little.
“They freeze the area with cold air before they cut it,” Gary tells an increasingly nervous looking Tyler.
Tyler screams when Gary tells him that he will probably smell his balls burning a bit during the procedure.
Dr. Gary then answers Tyler’s burning (no pun intended) questions about the vasectomy. He informs him that, because Tyler will continue to make sperm post-snipping, the sperm will just “die” and get reabsorbed into his body.
Gary and Tyler then talk about their, um, “juices” that come out when they’re boning their broads.
“Less mess is good for me!” Tyler says.
JESUS GOD LEAH.
Ugh seriously. That’s enough television for today.
Gary says that he wishes he could have another kid now, because he misses having a baby around. They start to play the heartfelt music as Gary talks about his experiences of being a dad and the sweetness of the moment almost forces my lunch to go back down and not be upchucked due to visions of Gary and Tyler’s balls.
When we check back in with Ashley, she tells “the gals” about her plan to surprise Bar at the airport, admitting she has a hard time
keeping secrets “holding water,” so she’s just hoping she can pull it off. (Wait…is she trying to say she has to pee? Can’t they pull over? I’m confused.)
We then see Ashley strut into the airport to greet a very shocked Bar at baggage claim. (Side note: who the hell selected a song with the lyrics “still drunk on you” for a post-rehab reunion scene?) After a long
30 days hug and some tears, Ashley bends over and reminds Bar what he’s been missing while he’s been away: a mic pack.
She gives him a celebratory twerk and then they pack up Bar’s suitcase (which surely contains his famous “Shoot Loops” tee) and head home.
Once they’re in the car, Bar says seeing Ashley in the airport made “my heart fall into my ass.” A true romantic, that Bar is!
Ashley tells Bar the surprises aren’t over just yet, as Holly doesn’t know Bar is coming home today. When they arrive at home, Ashley heads inside first and tells Holly there’s an Amazon package waiting for her at the door. Holly runs outside to find Bar waiting for her.
After a day of surprises/heart-in-ass moments, Ashley and Bar begin to settle back into their routine at home. Bar talks about his experience at rehab, admitting there were “mixed emotions” when he first arrived, because he didn’t know what to expect in that environment.
Bar also talks about the support system in rehab, noting he learned a lot while he was away, including how to prioritize things in his life. Still, Bar lets Ashley know he’s not “100 percent changed,” but he understands now that “drinking was a symptom” and his “actual issues” were his emotions. Ashley tells Bar she’s proud of him and says he should also be proud of himself.
Back in Los Angeles, it’s the day of Ryder’s nail polish launch! (I’m sure you’ve all been holding your breath in anticipation!) Naturally, because this is Cheyenne, everything at the party is way over-the-top. They’ve hired a DJ for the event. (We can assume it’s Briana’s deadbeat baby daddy, Luis, spinning the tunes and stuffing the free hot sandwiches in his pocket for later.)
Cory pops in and marvels at all the over-the-top shenanigans Cheyenne and her family have put together.
Ryder later gets on the mic, thanking “Daddy and Daddy.” (That had to have stung Cory a bit, but not as much as it stung Cheyenne’s sister who seems to have done all the actual work to put this event on.)
Later, Chey tells “the gals” that she and Zach put a down payment down on the dirt lot they looked at for two minutes. Everyone congratulates Cheyenne on her purchase of The Land: Los Angeles Edition.
Cory comes over and Chey and Zach tell him that the The Land they bought is very close to Cory’s house.
We finish things off on the day of The Big Cut for Tyler. Catelynn and Tyler are heading over to get his “nuts snipped” (as Catelynn keeps saying, much to the dismay of my stomach).
Tyler keeps trying to get Catelynn to say that they should wait and maybe have another kid before he has the vasectomy, but Cate is not having it. She remains quiet and stone-faced while driving him to Da Clinic.
She finally tells him that it’s his body so he can do whatever he wants with it. Tyler jumps at the suggestion of rescheduling the snip.
Later, Catelynn tells the camera that she thinks Tyler got “cold feet.” (I suppose that’s better than “burning balls?”) She says she isn’t mad that Tyler didn’t have the procedure (although there probably won’t be much action in the Octagon tonight, I’d guess).
That’s all for this episode!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter’ recap, click here!