Former ‘Teen Mom 2’ Dad David Eason Releases Second Rap Song: The Ashley Reviews “My Year”

More rap crap from everyone’s least-favorite rat-trap.
(Oh look, now The Ashley’s a rapper too!)

David Eason is back to once again terrorize our ears—in addition to the swamplands up and down the Carolina coast— with another one of his rap song offerings.

Seven months after the soon-to-be-ex-Mr. Jenelle Evans destroyed tens (if not dozens) of eardrums with his rap “song” called “Please Don’t Make Me,” the fired Teen Mom 2 dad has released his follow-up, entitled “My Year.” A few months back, David teased threatened us with the news that he was “back in the studio” working on a slick new tune and, this time, he had a real “team” producing his music.

“It’s way higher tech than my last song, which was produced by Jenelle using Ensley’s Casio Kids keyboard and mic set!”

The Ashley has, once again, decided to sacrifice her hearing (and sanity) and take one for the team and review David’s “song.” She will also attempt to decipher the lyrics. (The Ashley will then proceed to sob into her college degree as she realizes that this is, in fact, what she does for a living: write about listening to horrific songs made by fired ‘Teen Mom’ stars.) 

Anybadjob, let’s get started…

David’s new song/thing is produced by something called Volyum Hot Seat, which appears to some sort of company that lets someone live out their dreams of being a rap superstar by supplying a studio and a few poor saps to mix and produce the aspiring rapper’s “song.” (Well…at least The Ashley found someone who has a job that’s worse than hers, so there’s that!) 

David’s song also comes complete with a “music video.” (He must have used some of Jenelle’s OnlyFan butt photo money to purchase the “Deluxe Superstar Package” or something.) 

The music video starts with David— sporting his signature Pippy Swampstocking braids, a “Will Not Comply” T-shirt and most likely three days’ worth of body dirt— sitting in some sort of “studio” (which may or may not be the basement of an Air B&B). In the background is a video screen showing his previous music video for “Please Don’t Make Me.”)

David explains in a confident voice (or, as confident a voice someone can have who lives in a broken-down boat) that “My Year” is supposed to be a country song. Oh Jesus God Reba…here we go.

However, David then tells us that he “didn’t write country” and that he “wrote some rap on this one.”

David first grunts out his signature “Chee-yah.” (Is this some sort of mating call used in the backwoods of Carolina or something? Because he has been trying desperately hard to make “Chee-yah” happen and it’s not going to happen.) 

David then begins “rapping,” and it’s obvious after the very first sentence that this was a “song” penned by Lurch himself because it has the rhyming stylings of a Blippi song. 

First, he sings I step up to the mic/ and I do what’s right

Then he terrifies us with the follow-up lyric: I let you all know that I’m coming for that ass tonight.

With that, my mind automatically circles back to David’s previous music video, which featured a scantily clad Jenelle shaking her rump roast for the camera with all her might. (At the time, Jenelle and David were still soulmated so she surely wanted to use her “celebrity” status to help her man out.) 

He then encourages the listener (whose ass he’s “coming for”) to “get right with God” and “get yer mamas out the kitchen.”

“Well David, I’m outta tha kitchen like ya wanted. Now can ya please stop playin’ Hip Hop Supa-star and get a job?”

David then launches into a brag session about how good of a shot he is…or something.

My fingers ain’t slippin’/ My trigger’s always grippin’/ I never miss but when I do I’m swingin’ from the fences

Oddly, David then gives a shout-out to Jenelle (who had already kicked him to the curb…er…boat…when this “song” was recorded.)

I’m never leaning in for kisses/ Unless it’s from the Missus.

And they say romance is dead…

Jenelle after hearing David rap about her….usually.

Then, though, David makes it clear that, if Jenelle doesn’t want to be his Missus, there are plenty of “ladies” who will.

I’ve got the bitches on the Internet/ Begging for the digits

“It’s probably the lady at the electric company askin’ for ya credit card digits so ya pay ya bill!”

David goes on to rap that he’s sleeping and swimming all the time (which happens I guess when you reside in a broken-down BoaterHome). 

He later admits that he has chores to do before he can pursue his dreams of being a hip hop legend.

I need to do the dishes/ It’s hard to be a housebitch and askin’ for some wishes.

Honestly, the jokes are just writing themselves at this point…

He then raps about “these kids” who want to kill him for “some stickers,” and then states that he’s always “cookin’ up some dinner” that no one wants to eat.

“Kids these days think they’re too good for my specialty: Stewed Possum with a sprinkle of beard hairs!”

He then reveals that his life “was a disaster.” (We can assume he’s talking about his life with Jenelle on The Land before be was banished to the boat in February.) David reflects on what the world would be like without him.

Maybe I wake up soon, in the ground forever after/then I won’t take up too much room/ And my kids they all can scatter/ It’s OK because I don’t matter/ Keeping making money off of me/ If you do, it’s a disease.

“Yeah and that disease is called Mooch-pox. Lemme guess, ya seein’ molecules, have a restless leg and are all sweaty too, right?”

David then gets political, launching into the controversial territory of immunizations for no apparent reason.

Think you need a vaccine?/ Then just turn off your TV.

That lyric has nothing to do with anything else in the song, which then starts talking about the pain David feels inside of himself because everyone thinks he’s dumb. 

It’s not even worth pursuing/ because I’m limpin’ and I’m droolin’/ Everyone thinks I’m stupid.

“I don’t understand why everyone thinks I ain’t got no brains.”

We then hear a clip from someone who sounds like Jenelle (but also a little like Producer Kristen from ‘Teen Mom 2′). It is most likely Jenelle’s voice, but auto-tuned so she can’t sue the BeJesus outta him for using her voice without permission on this “project.”

The voice says that she’s been calling, texting and DMing David, and that she just reported David for “going live” on social media. (That sounds like our Jenelle!)

To end this rap abomination, David tells the voice on the phone— who asks him to call him back— “no.” 

Unfortunately for ol’ Davey boy, the comments left on his YouTube music video weren’t kind, with one person calling him “Broke Malone.” (And, yes, The Ashley is kicking herself for not coming up with that one first.)

“This dude is embarrassing himself,” another person wrote.

The comments on the Instagram post announcing this “song” release seem to agree with The Ashley that “My Year” belongs in Farrah Abraham‘s driveway Porta-Potty.

“It’s your drunk friend in the garage that swears he can freestyle,” one person wrote.

“It’s Kid Rock, but from Wish,” another wrote.

“I feel like I’m owed compensation,” someone else commented.

As of press time, David’s music video only has a measly 530 views.

Should you be feeling some masochistic twangs yourself, you can watch David’s video below. 

RELATED STORY: David Eason Accuses Jenelle Evans in Court of Being a Drug Addict; Jenelle Defends Her Xanax Use & Cries When Asked About Her Mother Barbara (Exclusive!)

(Photos: YouTube; Instagram)

16 Responses

  1. Ohhhh myyyyy gawd, well ya know David, that was the worse thing to happen to my ears.

  2. Just watched the video for the previous song “Please Don’t Make Me get a real job”
    The comments are hysterical. Funnier than him trying to twerk on the banister

  3. Why? For the love of Pete, why? I guess he checked enough sofa cushions for change to feed coinstar to get the money to pay for the deluxe package to drop his white trash beats.

  4. I made it halfway through before the second hand embarrassment forced me to turn off the video. You are a brave, brave woman.

  5. ROFL Ahhhh Thank you Ashley! That last picture you posted of him (with his mouth open looking all crazy) that is used frequently will NEVER, EVER get old to me. Every time I see it for whatever reason, and depending on the caption you have strategically placed, I laugh my ass off.

    Thank you for your services and for the pain you endured by listening to that song so we could know the tragedy that it truly is.
    You are a national treasure.

  6. This is 🌟GOLD🌟😂😅🤣
    ‘It’s not even worth pursuing/ because I’m limpin’ and I’m droolin’/ Everyone thinks I’m stupid.’
    TRUER WORDS NEVER SPOKEN & the ONE thing DogKiller EARNED‼️🤣😅

  7. Lurch and Debz OG need to do a duet. Not that anyone would listen aside to snark on them in the YouTube comments. But would be some good comic relief to bash two insane people with zero self awareness and a desire to be rap stars.

  8. Oh, my Lort. *Pippy Swampstocking*. I will always refer to him this way from now ☠️☠️☠️

      1. Babs captions never get old. She should do a rap video – it would be entertaining and not in a hate-watch cringey way.

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