Pull up a rocking chair and put away your phone (but NOT in your pocket because that’s bad for your bo-dy)– it’s time for another episode of Sister Wives. 

This episode kicks off in Salt Lake City, where single lady Meri is preparing to do some speed dating in the hopes of finding a special someone, or at the very least, a man who’d never dare to ask her to “live in the trees.” (#NeverForget) Before Meri’s event begins, her trusty sidekick Jenn– who, despite being married, has accompanied Meri on this outing– gives her some practice questions, most of which Meri giggles her way through.  

After containing herself, Meri tells viewers she’s not looking for a “spark” at this speed-dating event, she’s just looking for someone willing to have their mug featured on this dumpster fire of a TV show she can have a conversation with that’s not about her frizzy-haired former husband.

Meri gets ready to meet the eligible men, but not before telling viewers that she won’t be divulging her plural-marriage past to her potential partners, unless it “comes up naturally” or “makes sense” in the conversation. Or her dates want to know why she brought a camera crew with her. 

Over in Flagstaff, Kody is armed with a chainsaw which is in itself a frightening concept. He’s wearing an oversized helmet and— of course— his gloves as he swings this thing around, all while reminding viewers that Coyote Pass continues to be a point of contention among himself/Robyn, Janelle and Meri. Despite all his safety gear, Kody does not appear to be wearing any sort of kidney protection, so there’s a chance that his one intact kidney could be at risk.

While Kody is cosplaying as an outdoorsman, Robyn heads outside to remind him how shy and pretty she is talk to him about the smells of Montana and the Coyote Pass dream that Kody claims she just can’t let go of. Robyn still thinks that somehow all of Kody’s unappreciated wives will come crawling back to their sad former lives, beg for her and Kody’s forgiveness and have a seat in one of Robyn’s porch rocking chairs to live out their lives as Robyn’s ladies in waiting.

Kody takes this opportunity to begin soft-launching the idea of him and Robyn selling their Mountain Mansion and moving to another (bigger, more expensive) house in Flagstaff in order to escape their view of Coyote Pass, which both he and Robyn claim is a painful reminder of them failing miserably at polygamy. 

In fact, Robyn argues that parting with Coyote Pass will be even harder for her and Kody because they weren’t the ones who blew up the family’s dream of building there. (Thanks a lot Christine!)

We then hear from Janelle, who admits she’s not sure if she “ever had the dream” to build on the property in the first place. Janelle adds that Christine didn’t have this dream either, and that if Meri went along with building on the property, it would’ve only been because the rest of the family wanted to. (Remember, poor Meri was banished to her belltower for most of the early 2020s so she didn’t get much of a say at all.) 

Kody says he hopes selling Coyote Pass will make Janelle and Meri happy and in turn, convince them to “be nice.”

UM!?!

Surprisingly, Robyn admits that Kody has “been kind of hard too.” (YA THINK?!) However, she blames his behavior on a series of “miscommunications.”

Rilly, Robyn?!

Kody proceeds to tell viewers that because he has a wife who is “angelic” and “very close to God,” she won’t let him do anything “naughty” to his exes in the whole Coyote Pass deal, no matter how much he’d like to. He then regales us with the world’s worst attempt at a villainous laugh. 

As Robyn pretends to be on the fence about parting with her Mountain Mansion, Kody continues to push– as he tends to do– until Robyn says she’d “maybe” be into it, as long as they have enough space for The Chosen Five to “be around,” as well as the (very) few “other” kids of Kody’s who still acknowledge his existence. 

Back at the speed-dating event, Meri is meeting and engaging in awkward small talk with her potential matches. While the first date goes well enough, Meri’s second date– who refers to her as “the house celebrity”– strikes a nerve when he makes a joke about having been married twice, but “only one at a time.”  

While Meri insists that she’s a good time gal who’s not only funny, but “freaking hilarious.” (Is the ‘hilariousness’ in the room with us or…?)

However, she says she isn’t down for jokes about plural marriage or her “family structure” in general.

Girl, you showed up to this damn event with a camera crew for a reality show about polygamy. How are you gonna clutch your pearls over a multiple marriage joke!? That’s like Kody attending a “Bad Hair Convention” and getting pouty when someone says his springy ringlets are frightful. (Oddly enough, this scenario would totally probably happen.) 

Unfortunately, one of Meri’s next dates is with a 37-year-old man who clearly didn’t read the age demographic for this event prior to showing up.  

Before we get to watch another one of Meri’s speed dating adventures unfold, we head to Mykelti and Tony’s house, where the two are doing what the Brown family does best: packing and preparing to move. Christine says that, like many members of her family, Mykelti and Tony have decided to move to North Carolina, where they will be closer to Maddie and her kids, as well as Janelle. 

While Christine isn’t too happy to see more of her family members head east, Mykelti says she’s doing it so her children can grow up around their cousins since Tony has ruled out the idea of having multiple wives and hoards of children. Another reason Tony and Mykelti are moving is so that Tony can pursue his professional chess career in North Carolina (as you do).

Mykelti tells Christine that she told Kody and Robyn about the move in the hope that they’d make time to come say goodbye to the grandkids but it never happened.

I, for one, am SHOCKED. Shocked I say!

Kody blames this non-goodbye on busy schedules. (Perhaps one of the “tenders” had to have their hair brushed or something?) However, Christine tells viewers that she “heard” the relationship between Mykelti and her dad just isn’t “what Mykelti hoped it would be.” She later adds that Mykelti’s exhaustion from trying to get the Brown family back together probably contributed to her and Tony’s decision to move to North Carolina.

According to Kody, though, all of the strained relationships within his family are the result of the “trash talk and innuendo” of others– aka everyone other than himself, Robyn or The Chosen Five.

Back at the speed-dating event, a man named Ron has joined Meri at the table and the two quickly bond over their love of traveling and dogs. Meri is also pumped that this eligible grandfather is handsome, six-feet tall, “looks like he takes care of himself” and gets down with vision boards. 

After Meri and Ron’s allotted time is up, the event ends and Jenn makes a beeline to Meri’s table for a post speed-dating recap. Meri tells Jenn that she hit it off with Ron, to which Jenn reveals she personally “pre-screened” the man after he arrived to the event a few minutes late. 

Despite Meri admitting that she’s interested in Ron– and Ron telling producers he shares the same feelings– Meri is hesitant to fill out the speed-dating form that would put her and Ron in contact with each other. Jenn isn’t hearing any of that and warns Meri if she won’t fill out the form, she’ll get one to fill out herself and put Meri’s name on it. She also threatens to terminate their friendship.    

Next we head back to Christine and David’s house, where the two are getting a head start on the trip to North Carolina to help Mykelti and Tony move. When heading out the door to the moving truck that they’ll be driving on this cross-country change of address, Christine tells David not to a let a “rat” in their house, which we soon learn is what she’s calling the small dog that has appeared on her front porch. 

While Christine demands that David not get near the squirrel-sized dog, David makes several attempts to bring the little one along on the road trip, much to Christine’s annoyance. 

Strangely, Christine and David’s dog storyline ends with them deciding to play ding-dong-ditch with a neighbor, whom we’re assuming (and hoping) is the owner of the roaming pup. David proceeds to make a joke about polygamists eating dogs, which Christine vehemently denies. 

This scene got very dark (and very weird) very fast…

Next we head to Janelle’s house in North Carolina, where she’s on a video call with Meri so the two can discuss the Coyote Pass debacle. Janelle tells viewers that she recently received a call from Kody proposing that all of their names be put on all of the property titles– a suggestion that had Janelle wondering if the sky was falling. When Janelle shares this news with Meri, Meri reveals that Kody has basically ghosted her, leaving her completely clueless about all things Coyote Pass. 

Meri is BIG mad about Kody’s lack of communication, even more so because Kody claimed he wanted the two of them to be friends.

Meri’s anger grows when she learns that Kody asked Janelle to relay this information to her so that he wouldn’t have to talk to her himself. A visibly elated Kody proceeds to tell viewers he’s “completely upset” Meri and Janelle, all because he was admittedly confused about the property and didn’t want to communicate with them. Oh, and because Meri is “a nag.” 

Janelle calls out Kody for constantly playing victim by accusing every one of being “so mean to him.” Lucky for us, Janelle doesn’t stop her impromptu Kody roast there; next she makes fun of Kody for referring to his last soulmate standing as “shy and pretty,” before clarifying that, unlike some people, she’s never been a submissive person. 

Janelle also reveals that she recently told Kody over the phone that she didn’t like him, a comment that nearly knocks Meri out of her seat.

Bada ba da baaaaaa! I’m lovin’ it! 

Meri congratulates her former sister wife on officially being over their once-shared spouse, to which Janelle reiterates how much she doesn’t care about what her ex does or says. She will, however, seemingly allow herself to continue making fun of him when the mood strikes. 

I think that’s nice…

Janelle tells Meri the money they make from selling Coyote Pass will serve as a nice “parting gift,” which Meri says they’re owed, as they sure as hell won’t be getting any alimony. Janelle tells viewers if she had been legally married to Kody when they split, she would’ve taken half of his assets without batting an eye.  

Back in Flagstaff, Kody shows Robyn what he’s proposing they do with Coyote Pass regarding the title situation with Meri and Janelle. After a brief discussion, Kody (again) brings up how much he wants to sell the Mountain Mansion in the wake of his “triple divorces” and the pain HE’S experiencing as a result. 

Kody claims he’d like for him and Robyn to start over (in a bigger, better house, natch) to which Robyn says they’d need to have enough room for everyone. According to Kody, “everyone” is his grandchildren– who all live on the other side of the country and couldn’t pick him out of a lineup– and his and Robyn’s kids, who need a place to “return home and feel safe.” Robyn ever so kindly adds that it would be great for Kody to have room for HIS kids, too. 

Robyn and Kody continue pretending that they’re actually mulling over this moving situation, until both agree to start looking at available Mountain Mansions in their area. 

When we check back in with the road trippers, Christine and David are making their way in the moving truck, when Mykelti and Tony– with a car full of kids– receive a series of tornado warnings. As Mykelti tells her mom over the phone what’s going on, she and Tony are met with a hellacious storm that brings hail hurling at (and cracking) their windshield. 

That’s all for this episode! 

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(Photos: TLC)