Just when you thought ABC could sink no lower when it comes to the lows it has hit this season with Bachelor Pad, they plow through their own bottom and produce this week’s episode. There is bad, there is really bad, then about 100 layers of crap, and then this episode.
I’ll be honest; I missed the first 20 minutes or so of this week’s episode. (Hey, even The Ashley has a life sometimes!) I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal, since it was likely just 20 minutes of more of the same (aka Blakeley crying, Sarah whoring and Ed drinking). However, unfortunately, it turned out to be kind of important.
Apparently, the remaining four couples were told at the beginning of the episode that they would be participating in a very important challenge. The winners of the challenge would get to pick any losing team and basically kick their ass out of the Mansion and crush their hopes of becoming $250,000 richer.
The challenge begins with one teammate suspended over a pool, while the other teammate answered ‘Bachelor’-related trivia. Every time a player missed a question, their teammate hovers closer and closer to the pool. Once they hit the water, that team is out.
Basically, all of the teams screw up royally except for Chris and Sarah, who manage to answer a few questions correctly and easily win the challenge. Knowing that Chris now has the power to send her home, Blakeley is upset and cries. Again. She’s shaking in her booty shorts that she’ll be the one sent home.
It’s time for Chris and Sarah to announce who they are going to send home. As usual, Chris plays the martyr and gives a big self-indulgent speech about how it’s not fair that no one likes him and Sarah, and how the rest of the teams suck and don’t deserve to be there. Yeah, Chris, I can’t imagine why no one likes you.
Finally he reveals that it will be his partner-turned-rival Blakeley and her love puppy, Tony, that will be hitting the road.
Blakeley burst into a hysterical fit of tears. Again.
Look on the bright side, Blakeley, there’s going to be a pair of orange Hooter butt-shorts and white slouch socks waiting for you when you get home. Maybe they’ll give you a free plate of buffalo wings for promoting their company on a crappy TV show?
Anyway, after Tony and Blakeley make their tearful exit, the remaining three couples herd into the Mansion to await news of their next challenge. Jaclyn tells the group that she thinks they deserve a reward because they’ve, “had it really hard lately.”
Really? Really?! Yes, I can imagine that being able to devote four weeks of your life to lounging around in a hot tub, exchanging bodily fluids with D-list celebrity men, and getting to have someone pay all of your living expenses while you drink and play with your hair extensions would be very, very hard.
Unfortunately for Jaclyn, there is no reward planned for the gang. Instead, they take a limo (so, so hard) through the streets of Hollywood. They stop in front of the famous Hollywood Palladium theater. This can only mean one thing. Performance challenge! Please, God, don’t let there be Muppets this time.
They walk in to hear the sounds of “Sister Christian” booming through the auditorium. The lights come on and we see what used to be the band Night Ranger, but is now a group of men in their mid-50s that basically no one has any clue who they are. Maybe they were rock stars in the ’80s, but now they look like somebody’s uncle.
Night Ranger? What, was Captain and Tennille busy that day? I know it’s summer season so the budget is tight, but there wasn’t anyone else available that day?
All of the ‘Bachelor Pad’ gang stands there acting like they are all excited to see this band. Ed tells us that they are one of his favorites.” Suuuuure. I’m sure you have their posters all over your bedroom.
Chris Harrison announced that the contestants will be singing “Sister Christian” in a [gag-inducing] showdown of song. They will be performing in front of a live audience and in front of “living legends” (?) Night Ranger, who will serve as judges for the competition. The winning team will get immunity, and will also get to choose which team they want to bring to the finals with them.
The Padders all leave to go meet up with their vocal coaches. Apparently, work has been scarce for the vocal coaches of the show “Glee” while the show is on summer hiatus, so three of them decided to take the job of teaching these knuckleheads how to sing.
Chris and Sarah both think that they’re “pretty good” when it comes to singing. However, as soon as they open their mouths to sing, I start to get flashbacks of that episode of “The Brady Bunch” where a pubescent Peter f’s up his siblings’ hit album with his horrible, screechy voice. Actually, I think ol’ Pete was a notch above Chris and Sarah. (“When it’s time to change…”)
Ed, on the other hand, realizes how bad he and Jaclyn are and starts to get discouraged. He also starts to get drunk. As you do.
The next morning, the gang is exhausted from spending the night practicing. With only a few hours left before their big performances, the teams continue to practice that damn song over and over…and over again. Seriously—WTF am I watching?
Right before I’m about to stick an icepick in my ear to make the noise stop, the gang heads over to the Hollywood Palladium to get this sh*t show on the road. They pull up to see “a ton” (re: like 20) screaming “fans” waiting for them. Of course, the “fans” are actually just middle-aged women that were either paid $20 and/or tourists from the Midwest that got reeled in by a producer on Hollywood Boulevard, with promises of stardom. However they ended up in that auditorium that night, I feel sorry for them. I also feel sorry for myself for having to watch this crap.
Rachel and Nick, and Chris and Sarah are busy planning their performances, while Ed and Jaclyn are busy doing tequila shots. (Seriously. He makes it too easy for me.)
It’s time to go on, but first, they all have to get suited up like they’re in that “Zack Attack” episode of “Saved by the Bell.” (You know, the one that they fantasize they’re in a super-cool rock band? Admit it– you loved that episode too!)
Once they’re properly attired in skintight pants, too much eyeliner and ripped halter tops (so basically they’re all dressed like Sarah on a normal day), it’s time to hit the stage.
Somehow the producers have managed to fill the entire theater with women (and even a few sad, sad men). I’ll bet they had to lock the doors of the theater to prevent people from running out screaming.
They parade out the members of Night Ranger and the crowd goes crazy. Of course, only 1 percent actually knows who Night Ranger is, but you’re not going to get your mug on TV by being quiet! Literally, people will cheer for syphilis if they think it will get them on the television.
Nick and Rachel are up first. Everyone is marveling at what a great singer Rachel is (?) and that Nick has actually come out of his alcohol-induced stupor shell and has really gotten into the performance. They receive high marks and make their way off stage.
Next up are Ed and Jaclyn. Jaclyn can’t remember the words, and Ed proceeds to completely screw up the song. (Gilligan!) They keep asking the band if they can start over, but the musicians just keep playing over them. (They’re probably like, “Just get through the song. I’m not getting paid enough for this crap.”)
Since they can’t remember the lyrics, they decide that it’s probably best to strip of their clothes and dry hump on stage. Some poor biddy in the audience literally gets a face-full of crotch grinding (to be fair, it was probably the most action she’s seen since Reagan was in office!) After the humping, Ed just starts screaming into the mike (much like I’ll be screaming into my pillow from night terrors after watching this episode).
Afterwards Night Ranger is just sitting there stunned. They do not look happy that Ed and Jaclyn have chosen to make a mockery of the masterpiece that is “Sister Christian.”
Finally it’s Chris and Sarah’s turn, which means, mercifully, we will only have to hear this God-forsaken song one more time. They start the song, and for some reason, Chris’ voice starts to go higher and higher until he sounds like Mickey Mouse on helium. Sexy.
Sarah, meanwhile, looks to be in some sort of trance/epileptic seizure episode, and is just running around the stage screaming and flailing about. Again…WTF am I watching?
The judges announce that Nick and Rachel are the winners of the “Sister Christian” challenge, which means they’ll get to decide if they want to take Ed and Jaclyn, or Chris and Sarah into the final challenge with them.
Please cut Ed and Jaclyn. I’m seriously so sick of looking at that mop on her head. Her extensions look like bleached blond sea kelp pasted onto her gourd. Who lied to you, girl? I’m seriously about to take up a collection to raise money to buy you some decent hair.
Back at the house, Rachel and Nick are having a tough time deciding between the two teams. Rachel wants to take her BFF Jaclyn to the end, while Nick argues that taking Chris and Sarah would be smarter, since everyone hates them and will likely vote for Rachel and him rather than give the money to Chris and Sarah.
Rachel is scared that Jaclyn is going to un-BFF her if she doesn’t take her and Ed to the finals. (Yeah, because that would be quite the tragedy.)
The couples head out to the driveway to hear Nick and Rachel’s decision. They step forward and announce that Chris and Sarah will be joining them in the finals. Jaclyn is crushed, and is contorting her face into what is possibly the ugliest “cry face” ever seen on television. Rachel can barely look at her friend as she pins the roses onto Chris and Sarah. Rachel tries to apologize but Jaclyn ain’t having any of that! She blows her off and storms into the limo to announce that Rachel’s a lying piece of sh*t, among other things.
Rachel is already regretting her decision, but the damage has been done.
Next week, on the ‘Bachelor Pad’ finale, Rachel cusses someone out, Michael disses Rachel and Chris Harrison predicts that this will be “the most disturbing turn of events in ‘Bachelor’ history.” Please tell me the blond twins come back and hatchet everyone during the finale!
Until next week….I’ll be singing that damn “Sister Christian” song!
Read my other ‘Bachelor Pad’ recaps here!
(Photos: ABC/TODD WAWRYCHUK)