It’s Hometown Date week bi-otches! This is by far The Ashley‘s favorite week of any Bachelorette season because we get to see the moms and dads and sisters act all weird and awkward because they’re not used to being on camera!

Desiree is down to only four men in her “Quest to Find Love.” The remaining gents are Brooks, Chris, Zak W and…and…some other guy. Oh yes, Drew. I always forget about him because he’s so painfully boring. First she heads to Dallas to meet Zak W’s family. (There hasn’t been another “Zack” on the show for about seven weeks. Is it safe to call him simply “Zak” now?)

Desiree meets up with Zak in a park. He makes a joke about having been raised in that park. It would have been mildly funny except for the fact that Desiree, who claims that she grew up living in tents, actually was raised in a park. Um…awkward. Surprisingly she lets it slide. Next, Zak tells Desiree about a “really cool” dream he had about her being hot and then cold and then eating snow. Raise your hand if your eyes literally role back in to your head any time someone starts a sentence off with “So last night I had a dream that…” Um…nobody cares.

Next, Zak leaves Desiree for a second and comes back driving a snowcone-mobile. He says he’s going to put her to work in the family’s snowcone truck and they drive over to an elementary school full of screaming rugrats looking for free treats. Literally, that’s my nightmare, if you want to talk about dreams.

Desiree seems to be really good at pretending to enjoy it all, and says she can do this “all day.” Oh you will, honey, if you pick this guy to be your husband. Before the snowcone adventure is over, Zak bounds out of nowhere dressed as a penguin. (As you do.)

They head over to meet up with Zak’s family, whom he says are just as “loud and crazy” as he is. Super.

The walls of the family’s house are covered in bad kiddy artwork. This scares me. Speaking of scary, the women of Zak’s family basically attack Des at the door, engulfing her in a huge hug while screaming “OMG!” After the mauling, they all sit down to dinner, where Zak regales them all of how he used his shirtless chest to snag Desiree’s heart. I keep staring at Zak’s dad, who at about 56 looks to be the same age as Zak (in the face at least). How is this possible?

After dinner, Zak’s mom takes Des aside and starts having a very enthusiastic conversation about how great her son is. Seriously, I’m getting tired just watching these people. Who the hell has that much energy without drugs? She tells Des that every day with Zak is an adventure. That’s basically code for “He’ll never let you just slum on the couch and watch ‘Full House,’ even if you’re on your period and crampy. He’ll want to go kayaking or something.”

Next it’s time for a family sing-a-long. No, seriously. Zak and his siblings legit bust out the instruments and start singing about how great Desiree is and how she should be in their family. Like, this actually happened. I would have called up Chris Harrison and made him have a impromptu rose ceremony and cut Zak right then and there for this travesty. How Desiree got through that scene without laughing I’ll never know.

Finally, it’s time for Des to go, and Zak presents her with a ring (no pressure or anything, though.) Hopefully Desiree gives the guy his ring back when she cuts him at the end of this episode. (Seriously, he’s getting cut, unless Brooks decides to murder an old lady on their date or something. There’s no way this dude’s making it to next week!)

Next, Desiree heads to Arizona to meet up with Drew’s family. He’s busted out his favorite pink button-up for the occasion so he’s looking snappy! They stroll through town and he tells Des all of the people she’ll be meeting.

They go and get Melissa at the home she lives in. A moment of comic relief comes when we spot a neighbor lady across the street who has busted out binoculars–binoculars!–and is peering across the street to see what the commotion is! Back in the house, Mrs. Kravitz!

They arrive at Drew’s family home, and the whole gang (except for Melissa, who has already been properly gawked at and doesn’t join them) heads outside for lunch. Drew is awkwardly gushing about how perfect Desiree is, blah blah blah. His mom tells him that she’s scared of him getting hurt, but he assures her that their love is real and forever. Next, Drew takes his dad out to the patio for a chat. 

Dad tells Drew to be sure to “bring this girl into the family.” Nope…nothing creepy about that at all.

Afterwards, it’s off to Oregon to meet up with Chris and his family. They meet up in a park and head to the baseball field that Chris used to play at when he was a kid. Stellar. Luckily “somebody” just happened to leave a bag of baseball equipment on the field so they suit up in the uniforms and proceed to make gag-inducing puny comments such as, “You look like quite the catch.” For.Real.

After playing some ball, they have a picnic on the pitcher’s mound and Des decides to pull out her sketchbook and show Chris all of her drawings. She’s illustrated their entire relationship via sketch, which would be really cute…if she hadn’t gotten the idea from Zak W., one of the other dudes she happens to be dating. Awkward!

Finally, it’s time for Des to meet Chris’ family. They all greet Des and then sit down for dinner, which Dad kicks off with a really strange and confusing toast. Have another, Pop.

During dinner, Chris’ dad asks Des to go down to the basement with him and let him crack her spine. As you do. Supposedly he’s a chiropractor so Des agrees and follows him down into his dungeon office. After some cracks of Desiree’s back, she has a heart-to-heart chat with Dad about if Chris is ready to settle down. He then releases Des from his dungeon, and it’s time for Chris to lay on his dad’s table of torture. While they chat about the relationship, the dad is sticking a needles and a balloon into Chris’ nose.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Chris’ mom and sister are telling Desiree how they didn’t get along with Chris’ last girlfriend. (“I never liked that bi-otch!” says sis.) Things go so well that Chris proudly tells us at the end of the date that there’s no way Desiree can be feeling this way about anyone else.

That brings us to Brooks, who hails from Salt Lake City. 

After greeting Brooks’ entire clan, his mother steals Desiree away to campaign for her son. Meanwhile, Brooks and his brothers are all sitting around talking about whether Brooks should be in love with this chick or not. Afterwards, Brooks sits down with his mom to sort out his feelings and reveals that he’s still not in love with Des. The mom tells him that’s OK and she’ll support any decision he makes.

She finishes their conversation by whispering, “You’re my favorite” into Brooks’ ear as they hug. Um…??? I’m sure all of the other siblings were thrilled to hear that.

After her trip around the U.S. to visit the men’s hometowns, Desiree and the guys arrive back in Los Angeles for the rose ceremony. It’s almost time to crush someone’s dreams but first she meets up with her brother, Nasty Nate, who notoriously called Sean a playboy and a series of other names last season. They claim to not have seen each other since that faithful day, but I highly doubt that. I’m sure Des has visited her brother’s tent at some point between then and now! Nate is eager to meet the guys, but Desiree doesn’t want him to.

Finally it’s time for the rose ceremony! The four remaining gents march out onto a rooftop to see which one of them will be sent to Forever Aloneville. Everyone is hoping to continue this journey because everyone’s in love (supposedly). Desiree gets emotional knowing that she’s going to literally crush the soul of one of these guys. Finally, she starts handing out roses to Brooks and Chris. It’s down to Zak and Drew and she gives the final rose to Drew. Zak looks like he wants to jump off the building. Seriously, I hope they have suicide nets to catch this kid.

She walks Zak out and he can barely talk because he’s so stunned. She explains that their relationship hadn’t progressed as far as the ones with the other three and stuffs Zak into the limo. He tells us that he’s going back to “a dark place” (the snowcone truck?) and that he’s tired of being alone. With that, he dramatically hurls the ring he gave Des out the window and is on his way.

Next week is the Men Tell All Special, which means more whiny Michael G. and Ben drama, and a whole bunch of crap about James. Super.

(Photos: ABC)