Gather ’round, kids! It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom 3! Since this episode is chalk-full of hi-jinks and hilarity, let’s get right to recappin’!
Within the first three seconds, we learn that this is one of those “Very Special Episodes” that will probably come with a “If you or someone you know…” disclaimer. Things in Alex‘s house are very somber following Matt‘s apparent drug overdose. Alex is exhausted after holding a bedside vigil to her degenerate ex-boyfriend throughout the night.
Alex tells her mom and younger sister (who, after witnessing all of this crap will stay away from penises so she doesn’t end up on “Teen Mom 11”) that Matt overdosed on heroin.
“So he’s using again?” Alex’s mom asks. (Um…he didn’t overdose on Mountain Dew, lady!) Alex says that Matt will be staying in the hospital until they can see how much damage the overdose did to his body. His kidneys may be damaged– hell, he may even have brain damage. (Let’s all cross our fingers that he isn’t at a “Josh after his 14th concussion” mentality.)
Alex is sad that Arabella will have to deal with a drug-using father, but her mother knows Alex is strong enough to make it through. (Have I mentioned how much I love Wendy? And not in the same way I love Butch Baltierra for his crackhead degenerate ways. Like, I really think that Wendy is amazing– she’s really the unsung hero of this show.)
Next we check in with Briana, who is thinking about going back to school. She goes out to lunch with her mom and sister Brittany and gets teased by Brittany for having a “sloppy body” after having a child. (Um…don’t be gloating so much there, Britt. You aren’t exactly slipping into size 2’s either…just sayin’.)
Anyway, Briana is nervous about returning to school, since she’s spent the last year shooting humans out of her crotch waffle and dealing with Devoin‘s crap, which hardly left any time for reading and what not. To make things easier, Briana wants to get her driver’s license. Brittany offers to give up summer school so that Briana can go to school. (Maybe she felt bad for making those “sloppy body” jokes? Or maybe she just wanted to sit home all summer and chow down on Easy Mac and watch Spongebob reruns, who knows?)
Briana is touched by Brittany’s offer, as is Roxanne. They thank her for stepping up and, somehow MTV manages to get Brittany to mention her abortion yet again. “Just because I had an abortion doesn’t mean I can’t be around babies, y’all!” Aww…she should get that made into a bumper sticker.
Over in Wyoming, Katie is waiting on Joey to bring the car home so that she and Molli can go to Molli’s first swim class. Because Joey is late coming home (“He’s probably out getting High! High!”) Katie is forced to walk to class. After she’s nearly hoofed it halfway to the rec center, Joey finally calls but only to ask if it was OK for him to go fishing.
Katie ends up missing swim class, so she goes to the indoor waterpark to hang out with her fellow teen mom friend Naomi. Afterwards, she tells Naomi that Joey’s become a total ass-nugget and that his “graveyard attitude” is getting on her nerves. Naomi, who, as a married woman is an expert on “relationships…and stuff” tells her that even if Joey’s awful to her, Katie has to be nice to him. We will be seeing Naomi and her husband on an upcoming episode of “Cops” and/or “Jerry Springer” I’m sure.
Finally, we head over to Oklahoma to visit Mackenzie, who is less-than-thrilled with Josh. He’s been ignoring her and Gannon, but Mackenzie still wants to do something nice for him for Father’s Day, which is the next day. Her pal
Kennedy er…Kenadee comes over to help Mackenzie make Josh a photo frame. Afterwards, Gannon goes ape sh*t, which makes Kenadee realize how hard having a baby is. (You can literally hear the door to her crotch waffle slam shut after watching Gannon throw his fit!)
Mackenzie says that she doesn’t get enough “family time” with Josh, and that she doesn’t know where their relationship stands since they fight all the time.
The next day is Father’s Day so Mackenzie and her family are all meeting up at her grandmother’s house. She’s very proud of her gift for Josh, but, as usual, he won’t answer his phone. Finally she manages to get him on the phone and asks “Ain’t I droppin’ Gannon off with you?” Josh, of course, has some tobaccy spitin’ and cattle ropin’ to do at his friend Lane’s house so he tells Mackenzie he’ll come see his son later…and stuff.
She scolds him for not wanting to see his son on Father’s Day and gives him a unenthusiastic “Happy Father’s Day,” to which he replies “I guess.” Those gosh dern concussions must make it hard for Josh to understand much of anything, apparently.
Back in Florida, Briana is attempting to get her learn on so she registers for classes at a community college. She’s stoked and who can blame her? She can use her student ID years (and years) after she graduates to get the student discount at movie theaters. (The Ashley graduated college back when the dinosaurs were still roaming the Earth but you better believe that she still busts that student ID out to get $2 off that movie!)
Anyway, she’s also attempting her very first driving lesson with Andreas, a Jersey guy that keeps telling her to “move her hands around.” I really, really hope he means on the wheel.
The next day is Father’s Day and now that Briana is Devoin-less, she and the girls decide to go to the beach to celebrate being strong, independent women who don’t need “no man!” Briana mentions that Devoin is missing out on Nova’s “firstesses” (Please, get this girl to school, ASAP. Seriously honey, go and sit in front of your class and wait for them to open the door!)
The next day is Briana’s first day of school. Roxanne wants to hang out at the school while Briana is in class, and they bring Brittany along. Britt’s none too happy about having to keep vigil at Briana’s school, so she calls her friend to bitch about how her sister acts like a baby.
After Briana’s class ends, the girls go to lunch and Briana calls Brittany out for having a stick up her ass. Brittany finally breaks down and tells her that she’s tired of putting up with all her family’s drama. She tells them that she wants to move far away and Roxanne tells her if she wants to go, no one’s stopping her. (If you are going to leave, Britt, be sure to move quickly! We all remember what happened to Devoin when he didn’t leave the house fast enough. Roxanne’s got plenty of vases!)
Brittany says she is going to leave…except that she doesn’t have the money.
In Pennsylvania, Wendy tells Alex that she should really go to her senior prom. Alex thinks she will be miserable because all of the other kids at the prom will be there with their boyfriends or girlfriends and it will make her realize that Matt ruined her life forever.
Later, Wendy convinces Alex to go prom dress shopping and the girls head out to pick up a frock for Alex’s Big Night Out. She tries on dress after dress until she finally finds a glamorous red dress with “bling” that makes her glow. After buying the dress, she’s excited about going to the prom.
It’s Father’s Day in Pennsylvania too and, even though Matt’s in rehab (as you do), Alex is still going to send him a card from Arabella. She later heads to the dance studio, where the studio owner asks her about prom. Alex tells her that she’s going solo and the dance lady asks her, “How do you feel about going to prom alone and facing all those people? Can’t you get anyone to take you?” Geez, lady, why don’t you just shoot her when she walks through the door, it would probably feel better than all your rude-ass questions!
Alex tries to shrug off the fact that she’s dateless, but the dance studio lady tries to fix her up with one of the male dancers. Alex agrees. Hey, even if the kid has “jazz hands,” at least she’ll have someone to stand with her in her prom pictures.
That night, she heads to the salon to get her hair did, along with her over-enthusiastic friend Rachel. She gets her hair done and decides to go with a very strange extreme eye makeup. I just…can’t. But otherwise, she looks great.
Jazz Hands Nick arrives and he actually seems relatively normal, in fact he’s pretty adorable. Alex is totally glowing and after Wendy snaps a few pics, they head off to prom. Since MTV didn’t purchase a prom ticket, we aren’t able to watch Alex dance the night away.
The next day she shows us photos and tells her little sister that, while she had fun, Jazz Hands Nick wasn’t exactly a casanova. In fact, she didn’t like him at all. They make the little sister ask all the questions they need answered, “Will you start dating now? What about Matt?” Alex says that if she does start dating, it certainly won’t be with Nick.
Meanwhile, Katie is attempting to be more understanding of Joey, but he’s being even more of an ass-goblin than he was before. Katie’s mom comes over and Katie tells her what Naomi said. Katie’s mom tells her what we all already know– that Naomi’s a twit and that kissing Joey’s ass isn’t exactly the key to a happy marriage.
In Oklahoma, Mackenzie’s bummed about Josh missing Father’s Day but she decides to spend time with the guy that does want to hang out with her, her father. He tries to help Mackenzie sort out her feelings for Josh, but Mackenzie can’t decide if she and Josh love each other or not. He tells her that he’s still crazy about her momma (awww) and that’s why he’s scared that Josh isn’t right for Mackenzie.
Later that day, Mackenzie brings Gannon to Josh so he can get his required five minutes with his son. Mackenzie uses the opportunity to ask Lane if Josh is a good friend to him and if Josh ignores his phone calls. Lane looks terrified but manages to squeak out a “No” to Mackenzie’s questions, as he attempts to inch away from Mackenzie and her family problems. “Is Lane more better looking than me, is that what it is?” (Um!? Is there an extra seat in that English class, Briana? If so, for the love of God, take Mackenzie with you next time!)
Josh looks totally uncomfortable that his girlfriend is calling him out in front of his friend. In fact, he looks like he wants to strangle Mackenzie with a rodeo rope, even after she proudly presents his gift to him. Josh barely opens his eyes long enough to look at the photo frame, which disappoints Mackenzie. Again, she tries to have a relationship talk with Josh but every time she says the word “engaged” Josh looks like a mosquito bit him in the ass.
The episode ends with everyone mad at everyone else. Next week, Mackenzie tries to buy more time with Josh, Brittany and Briana buy condoms (finally!), while Joey and Katie come to the end of their relationship.
To read a recap of the previous week’s episode of ‘Teen Mom 3,’ click here!