Gather ’round kids, it’s time for another rousing recap of Teen Mom 3. Since there are only two episodes left this season, MTV will be packing in a whole lot of adventure (and even more bad decisions) into the final episodes, so the The Ashley figured they would surely be recap-worthy.

We kick things off with Alex, who is looking forward to celebrating Arabella’s upcoming first birthday. She plans to throw a cupcake/princess/unicorn themed fiesta. (As you do.)

Unfortunately, Matt has taken the bullet train to Deadbeatville, so Alex is not expecting him to attend the festivities. Instead, she plans to invite him (and his bad attitude) over on the baby’s actual birthday so that he doesn’t ruin the party. No one wants Junkie the Clown at a first birthday party….

Next, we swing over to Katie‘s place to check in. She has been staying at her dad’s house since her big breakup with Joey. Last week, Katie found out that Joey was already seeing another girl, and this week, she gets photographic proof. One of her friends texts her a pic of Joey and his new boo, who is quite the looker in her hoodie and messy bun. Her name is Brigette and, naturally, she has a baby. Well, hopefully she kept her maternity clothes because Joey will surely knock her up again in a few months. This whole thing has gotten very ‘Maury’ very fast.

To make herself feel better, Katie goes to get her hair did. Katie explains to her hairdresser (who, for some reason is wearing a Cleopatra costume…not sure what’s going on there) how Joey informed her that he was already dating Baby Momma Brigette. Cleopatra is just as shocked as Katie that Joey was able to move on to another girl so quickly. After lots of cutting, dying and blow-drying, Katie comes out with some Kelly Clarkson highlights, feeling like a brand-new woman.

Over in Florida, Briana is determined to keep dating Jacob, despite the fact that her mom and sister think he’s a “damn dirty hustla loosa” (as Barbara Evans would say). She calls him up (they label him “Briana’s friend” because I guess “Loser booty call”  or “Future baby-daddy” wouldn’t fit on the screen). Jacob says he was sad that he and Briana didn’t get to bone go on a date, but he didn’t want to make her go against her mom’s wishes…and stuff. 

Briana plans to keep her romance “on the downlow” and asks Jacob if he can hang out on Thursday. “I don’t really have nuthin’ to do,” he says. (Big surprise there!) They make plans to “do something”…and we all know what that “something” is going to be. (Hint: It’s the same thing she did with Devoin a year and a half ago that resulted in her squeezing his spawn from her loins!)

Finally, we head over to Oklahoma to check in with Mackenzie, who is still not speaking to her parents after they told her she was a nitwit for going back to Josh. However, she doesn’t have time to think about that because she has to head over to “Cheernastics” (Yes. That is apparently a real thing.) She ties on her giant bow and handsprings and tumbles just like she did before she spit an 11 lb. baby out of her body.

After a hard workout, one of Mackenzie’s friends asks her “Um…shouldn’t you go home to see Gannon? Isn’t your mom tired of taking care of him?” “Yeah…..” Mackenzie says, without even attempting to make it seem like she’s eager to go home to her son. All of the other girls (including some chick that looks like Lil’ Orphan Annie) gather ’round as Mackenzie tells them the latest saga in the country western-themed soap opera that is her life.

Apparently Mackenzie “cheernastic’d” way too long because, back at her house, Gannon is fast asleep and there’s still no sign of Mackenzie. Mac’s mom, Angie, isn’t thrilled, and neither is Mackenzie’s sister, Kaylee, who decides to go all “Dr. Phil” on Mackenzie’s parents, trying to get them to face the reality that they take care of Gannon way more than Mackenzie and Josh the Concussion Cowboy, do.

Kaylee argues that Angie and Brad need to set ground rules for Mackenzie, but Angie says that they have to be very careful with what they say to Mackenzie because she could run off with Gannon at any point. Um…so your bratty daughter would take her son and go live on her own and you wouldn’t have to worry about or support them anymore? And you wouldn’t have to deal with her rodeo tantrums anymore? I’m failing to see the downside here….

Over in Pennsylvania, Alex and her trusty pal, Marina, head over to paint some over-priced crap. More importantly, they also discuss how Alex is planning on inviting her father to Arabella’s birthday party. Alex says that it sucks that she doesn’t get to see him very often because he lives so far away. “Yeah…I know how that feels,” mutters Marina.

Wait– Marina has daddy issues?! I.Am.Shocked.

Anyway, apparently the whole ’16 and Pregnant’ thing didn’t sit too well with Daddy Dearest, and his relationship with Alex has been strained ever since. “Do you wish he had been a little more supportive during that time?” Marina asks Alex.  Um, no Marina. I’m sure she wishes he was even more of a jerk to her. I just can’t with this girl…

Back at Mackenzie’s, Angie is finally ready to confront Mackenzie about her big tantrum. Mackenzie argues that her parents don’t let her make her own choices, but Angie says that Mac gets very defensive when anyone questions her choices. Angie is tip-toeing all around the fact that Mackenzie acts like an immature bi-otch 90% of the time and they’re afraid that her crappy parenting is going to result in Gannon working as a rodeo clown when he grows up.

Meanwhile, Katie is turning Molli over to Joey for the first time since their breakup. Since Molli’s still on the teat, Katie wants to come over for a few minutes during Joey’s visit and breastfeed Molli so that her boobs are not “super engorged.” Since they are broken up now, Joey is not very concerned with Katie nor her super engorged boobs, so he tells her “tough titties.” Literally.

Joey says he has sh*t to do so there’s no time for Katie to come feed their daughter. Um…hopefully that to-do list includes growing a pair of breasts so that he can feed Molli.

Later, she meets up with Joey to drop off Molli and they get into another fight. Katie throws her coffee at Joey, who says, “Wow, you almost doushed (um?!) Molli with that hot coffee.” Joey’s all pissed that he now has to change his coffee-covered pants and underwear (but he just did that last week!) I mean, he does have to look sporty for his new boo.

Joey takes Molli to the local mud-pulling event (as you do), and is apparently planning to ride his ATV in a race! He tells Molli that he’s going to get his ass kicked (charming) and soon his new girlfriend arrives, baby on hip, to cheer him on. As per usual with these shows, Bridgette has named her daughter some absurdly ridiculous name. Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Kynlee.” Why do I have a feeling that this poor kid’s middle name is either “Skye” or “Starr?”

Joey and his dad sit there and debate about what a “f*cking assh*le” Katie is (while both Molli and Kindle-Lee are within earshot, of course.) Joey basically sucks on his ATV, and ends up just sitting there, stuck in the mud. He rides ATVs about as well as Josh rides broncos.

Over in Florida, Briana is bragging about how smart she is.

“Have you noticed that I’ve been gettin’ a hundreds on all my assignments?” she tells her sister. (Yes, Briana. You have been getting “a hundreds.”)

She’s buzzing through all of her “homeworks” because she’s got a bump-n-grind sesh with Jacob planned for later that night. Unfortunately, with her mom and sister gone, she has no way to get to her date. (Apparently she couldn’t fit on Jacob’s bike handlebars?)

She calls her friend Kanisha, and regales her with Jacob’s beautiful “fell in love over Twitter” story, and soon Kanisha is swooning. Briana tells her that she can’t let her mother know. She keeps saying things like, “It’s so complicated…if only I had a way to get there.” Finally, Kanisha catches her sledgehammer of a hint and agrees to drive Briana to her date.

They head on over to the Abracadabra Ice Cream Parlor, where Briana’s Prince Charming, Jacob is eagerly awaiting her arrival. He brought a friend with him to entertain Kanisha while he and Briana bang it out behind the waffle cone holder. Briana and Kanisha arrive, with Nova (and an MTV camera crew) in tow, and then they head outside for some friendly convo.

Jacob informs the group that he’s a shoe salesman, and Kanisha starts interrogating him. She either really wants a new pair of Keds, or is trying to show Briana that this guy has no future.

Meanwhile, Katie is busy pumping her boobies so that they aren’t engorged anymore. To get her mind off her baby-daddy drama, she calls up her pal Taylor, who invites her to “a fire pit in the backyard.” Sounds fantastical.

About this time, Joey, at his own apartment, has finally realized that he doesn’t have breasts and therefore has nothing to feed his daughter, so he tries to give her some whole milk to appease her, but Molli ain’t having none of that. Molli’s crying is so loud that it forces Joey’s new gal pal Bridgette to emerge from the bedroom (baby on hip and looking a wee bit rough) to see what all the ruckus is about. Maybe baby Kindle-Lee would be willing to share her mom’s breast milk with Molli? It’s one big ol’ baby cryin’ party up at Joey’s. I’d much rather be hanging fireside with Katie.

Speaking of fireside, the party is really raging. There are four or five people and an open bag of marshmallows. Things are about to get wild! Of course, they all have to sit around and have the obligatory producer-prodded “Where does your relationship stand?” talk with Katie.

(Extra points to anyone that saw the MTV camera crew in the reflection of Katie’s friend’s sunglasses!)

Meanwhile, Briana and Kanisha are back once again as the dynamic dating duo to meet up with Jacobbb and whatever degenerate friend he can dig up to entertain Kanisha for a few hours minutes while he boinks Briana. They head to an arcade and Briana and Jacobbb discuss their future. “Hopefully we can have a normal relationship,” Jacobbb says. (Um, as normal as it can be when you’re dating a girl with a baby on her hip and an MTV producer in her ear!)

A few days later, Briana is worried because she hasn’t heard from Jacobbb, and she saw “on the online” that he is dating another girl. She has no one to talk to because she and Jacobbb were secret lovers to begin with. She meets up with Kanisha and they decide that “ain’t no one got time” for Jacobbb and his games.

Back in Pennsylvania, it’s time for Arabella’s birthday party. The whole gang has turned up for the festivities, including Marina, Wendy, and all of Alex’s friends. Unfortunately, Alex’s dad is going to be late because he is “stuck in traffic.” Chances are he hasn’t even whisked the empty beer cans off his chest or rolled himself off the couch yet. Still, Alex is hopeful that he’ll make it to the party, but Wendy is doubtful. She’s quick to point out that she, unlike Alex’s dad, woke up at 6 a.m. to make sure she had plenty of time to get to the party.

Just as the cake is being wheeled out, Alex’s dad Jim finally arrives. He sits down with Alex and informs her that he’s still not happy that she got knocked up at 16. If I were Alex, I’d be like, “Um, no prob, Dad, I’ll just shove the baby back in my whoo-ha for another 5-8 years until I’m older and you’d be more excited.”

Give me a break, Jim!

In Oklahoma, Mackenzie and her family (and Josh) are heading out to spend some time at the lake. Josh has gotten himself all gussied up for the occasion and is sporting his fanciest torn T-shirt (with the sleeves chopped off…naturally).

He gets into the truck and starts to small-talk with Mackenzie’s dad, while Mackenzie sits there awkwardly smacking her gum. I guess we should just be thankful Josh didn’t pull out his spittin’ canteen and start spewing tobaccy all over the place.

They arrive at the lake and they all have a jolly time jet-skiing. Josh, of course, falls off the jet-ski so, for those of you playing at home, it’s time to add another concussion to the list!

Over at Alex’s house, it’s Arabella’s actual birthday, and, although he was supposed to come and see his daughter, Matt never called Alex. Because of this, Alex is forced to spend Arabella’s birthday with Marina, who is apparently the only person that can be willing and able to film with MTV at a moment’s notice.

“I know it’s hard, like, without a dad figure in the picture or anything, and stuff,” Marina mutters while Alex feeds Arabella a slice of cake that’s the size of her head. Um, Marina, ain’t no one got time to hear how your lack of a father figure resulted in all of your assorted “daddy issues.” We only have two minutes left in this episode!

That’s all for today, kids! The next episode is the ‘Teen Mom 3’ season finale, so I’m sure we’re in for a doozy of a recap!

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(Photos: MTV)