Get ready for this week’s second helping of Bachelor in Paradise!
The Ashley is praying to the Paradise Baby Jesus that these knuckleheads are done harping on the Joe/Samantha/Juelia storyline. Please let someone get stung by a jellyfish in the crotch tonight! That’s all I’m asking for! I deserve it after watching this crap twice a week!
The episode starts off with recap of last night’s breakups: Joe was dumped by Samantha, and Ashley I. was kicked to the curb by Jared.
Ashley and Joe decide that misery loves company, so they grab a few bottles of tequila, a bunch of Kleenex and go sit together to talk about how the people they are obsessed with no longer like them. Ashley starts blubbering like she found out that the Kardashians’ show got cancelled. This ridiculously absurd display of emotion creeps Joe out, and he basically tells her that he’s not much for the tears and whatnot.
“I’m not an emotional guy,” he tells her.
That, of course, makes Ashley cry even more.
Yes, kids, she’s crying because Joe doesn’t want to hear her cry. How these people have resisted impaling this chick on a sharp piece of coral I have no clue.
Ashley is losing her mind (and her artificial nails) and everyone is trying to figure out how to help her (i.e. shut her the hell up).
In the bar, Carly announces that Mikey will have the next date card. He’s heading to Guadalajara and he wants to/is contractually obligated to take Juelia with him. Juelia gets herself all fixed up and they head to a private plane. While in the air, Juelia sits on Mikey’s lap, rubbing her baby-maker on him to say thanks for bringing her along.
Juelia’s all ready for some romance, but unfortunately, there’s nothing romantic in the cards for our Unmerry Widow. They’ll actually be watching a lucha libre wrestling match. They’re surrounded by drunk, sweaty, screaming people who are watching oddly dressed men jump all over each other.
So…basically, it’s just like being back on Trainwreck Beach.
Later, Mikey pulls out a note from Chris Harrison that states that they can stay in the city that night, either together or separately. Juelia looks pale realizing that now she’s got to sleep with this guy.
Mikey, of course, agrees to stay in the suite with Juelia, even though it is their first date.
After doing what we can assume was the Horizontal Mambo, Juelia and Mikey enjoy breakfast together and talk about how nice it was to “relax” together the night before.
Meanwhile on the beach, some of the dudes are watching Samantha and realizing that she’s conniving. Suddenly, all the guys are on Joe’s side. (Where were you guys when the dude had to throw himself a birthday party?!) Samantha is starting to get close to Nick, whom she had been texting pre-Paradise, in addition to Joe.
Joe suits up in his best pink V-neck to go confront Sam. He basically tells her that she has to be with him and make sweet, sweet love to him or he’ll throw her under the bus to the rest of the Paradisers.
Ahhh, there’s nothing more romantic than blackmail. Am I right?
In attempt to at least get five minutes of camera time, Kirk decides to take Carly on a fishing date. They go fishing at sunset and throw their lines out to see. (Am I the only one that hopes they catch a drunken Nick or a sobbing Ashley in the surf?)
Kirk and Carly kiss and enjoy wine on the rocks. They discuss “real life” and decide they may want to try to be in love outside of Paradise as well.
The next day, Joe is wearing a pair of giant pink panties on his head for some reason, and is still singing his sad song about Samantha. (If you want to get the girl back, Joe, you should probably take Madea’s panties off your damn head. Geez.)
Joe is determined to get Sam back, even though it seems like Samantha would rather let herself get attacked by crabs than spend 10 more minutes with Joe’s heaving hillbilly ass.
Joe decides that he is tired of drama…so he goes to talk to the most dramatic person on the beach (and possibly the planet) Ashley I.
She advises Joe to reintroduce himself to Sam and pretend that they are meeting for the first time.
Joe thinks it’s a great idea but when he tries it, it comes off super-desperate and creepy and Samantha brushes him off.
UM…you took dating advice from Ashley I., bro! What did you expect?!
All of a sudden, a new man appears on the beach. It’s Justin from Kaitlyn’s season of ‘The Bachelorette.’ I have no clue who he is. You’d think I’d remember him due to his overactive sweat glands, though. Good Lord.
Justin has a date card, and although Samantha has caught his eye, Joe is trying to convince Justin not to take her on his date. Still, Justin is determined to “conversate” with Sam and ask her out. Joe’s head, which is already twice as big as a standard noggin, is about to explode. He’s basically gnawing on his own arm to try to keep himself from killing Justin/Samantha/Jorge the bartender.
Samantha pulls Joe aside to talk about how she needs a “clean slate.” Meanwhile, Joe is sweating profusely and tearing up. (His face has become just a big ugly mix of sweat and tears. Ew.)
Somehow Joe still doesn’t seem to get that Samantha has no interest in him anymore. He keeps peppering her with questions about their “relationship,” and Sam seems confused as to why Joe isn’t getting it. Also, she seems like she is about two seconds from calling security.
Joe wails that he just wants to go home.
If you’d like to read The Ashley’s recap of the first part of this episode, click here!