‘Kendra On Top’ Season 5 Episodes 3 & 4 Recap: Rotton Rap Songs & Replacing Your Friends

"This song goes out to my mom for giving me a storyline for this season!":
“This song goes out to my mom for giving me a storyline for this season!”:

By Holly

It’s time for another episode of Kendra On Top! When we last left Kendra, she was off in Utah, having a ski weekend with some Playmates (as you do) and basically announcing to anyone who would listen that she wants to bone pretty much anyone with a penis who isn’t her husband.

The episode starts with Kendra talking to her dad, GrandDude, on the phone. GrandDude calls to tell her that he heard that Kendra’s mom, Parti Patti, is writing a tell-all book about Kendra. Of course, Kendra is “devastated.” After all, as she said before, Parti Patti “took the tears off Kendra’s face and sold them.” You would think Kendra would be used to these kinds of shenanigans from Parti Patti by now.

"Think of all the fake affairs I could have Down Under! I'm in!"
“Think of all the fake affairs I could have Down Under! I’m in!”

Next, Kendra goes to lunch with her publicist and talks about the possible Girls Next Door reunion. Kendra acts like she might not do it…. but we all know she will. This is the same woman who televised her husband’s alleged affair. Nothing is off limits. She lives for this crap!

Kendra’s publicist also talks to her about an upcoming trip to Australia. You may remember that Kendra went to Australia last year to film yet another reality show— I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. The publicist tells Kendra there might be another reality opportunity there and she jumps at the mention of going back Down Under. An excuse to leave her responsibilities and go get drunk and hit on random men without lame-o Hank around? Kendra is down!

Next the publicist brings up Parti Patti’s tell-all book.

“If she writes a book…every page is a lie,” Kendra says.

How many episodes are we going to talk about this book? Is this the new cheating scandal?

"How long must I tolerate this woman before I start getting paychecks?"
“How long must I tolerate this woman before I start getting paychecks?”

Next, Jayde Nicole comes to visit. After spending time in Utah together, Jayde and Kendra are now besties, apparently. The girls decide to cook a vegan meal while they’re planning Hugh Hefner’s 90th birthday bash.

Either the editing for this episode is really bad, or Kendra is just really rude (and likely, it’s both) because Kendra just randomly leaves Hank and Jayde at home and goes to a studio where she’s going to record a song.


“Can you sing?” Jayde asks Kendra.

“Not at all, but this is the time to do it,” Kendra says. “It is the autotune era.”

Dear God. Didn’t Farrah Abraham make us suffer enough by releasing an autotuned nightmare of a song a few years back? Must we also endure Kendra’s musical offerings?

When you're sitting in the studio listening to this, wondering what happened to your career...
When you’re sitting in the studio listening to this, wondering what happened to your career…

Kendra tells us that she is friends with a music producer and he asked her to help him with a project. Suuuuuuuuure he did.

She heads to the studio and records a hilariously bad rap. Kendra says the music producer is friends with her brother and her mom so she decides to dig for information to see if he knows if Parti Patti is really writing a book. He doesn’t really tell her anything she doesn’t know, but encourages her to try and make amends with Parti Patti.

I loved you in the Wizard of Oz, Patti...
I loved you in the Wizard of Oz, Patti…

How much time are we going to spend talking about Parti Patti and not get to see her fantastic face and odd, mushroom-shaped hair?!

Jessica and Kendra go to meet Jayde to take a Pilates class. Everyone gangs up on poor Jessica and makes her take off her bacon and egg socks because they’re all vegan. Again—the bacon and eggs were on her socks. WTF?

There’s a ton of paparazzi outside…. hmmm…I wonder who tipped them off? Kendra’s new publicist maybe?

We can already tell there is tension brewing between Jessica and Jayde. It’s going to be a battle for the spot of Kendra’s BFF. Jessica “feels left out” that they didn’t initially include her in their plans to make Hef a birthday video. Kendra invites Jessica to go with her back to the studio to record her song, but Jessica says she can’t go because she wants to see her baby before the baby goes to bed.

Wait…what? We always forget that these women actually have children.

"After a kid reaches like 8 months, he can pretty much take care of himself, right? Everyone knows that!"
“After a kid reaches like 8 months, he can pretty much take care of himself, right? Everyone knows that!”

Kendra, of course, isn’t worried about seeing her kids before they go to bed, so she goes back to the studio and records her weird song. They’re doing a “lost in space” theme, but  Kendra can’t focus on the song. She’s too preoccupied with worrying about her kids, missing her husband, thinking about her mom’s stupid tell-all book.

The producer friend says he doesn’t know anything about the book, but adds that he did speak to Kendra’s brother, Colin. Apparently, Kendra’s brother wants to speak with her and try to patch things up between them. (And, perhaps, get on the WEtv payroll?) Mind you, this is the same brother that called Kendra a “psychotic bitch” on Twitter.

Kendra decides to talk it over with Hank and decide if she should meet with Colin or not. As per usual, Hank is basically just a prop, and adds nothing to the conversation.

"Should I tell her how bad her rap music is?"
“Should I tell her how bad her rap music is?”

Next week, we get to see more of Kendra freaking out over Parti Patti’s tell-all book. We also get to find out more information about this alleged ‘Girls Next Door’ reunion.

To read the recap of last week’s ‘Kendra On Top’ episode, click here!

(Photos: WEtv)

8 Responses

  1. Patti isn’t freaking writing a book–she said that on Facebook in a frustrated huff after watching last season of this crap show. She will never get it together to write a book, no one would publish it anyway because NO ONE CARES Kendra.

  2. Thank you for explaining. I wrote that before I saw the new site. There was an option to get email notifications and I agreed and joined. This is my first time seeing it and it looks amazing! I write progress notes on clients daily and it makes me want to puke. It’s like reliving my day and I can’t insert the comedy that often pops into my head. Social work isn’t supposed to be funny but it can be…I honestly don’t know how you do this. It’s a lot of writing.. My biggest issue is Kendra. Lol. But then plenty of people want teen mom to go away and I think I’d just die if that happened so there’s that! Lol.

  3. Why is this show covered so extensively when we’re missing episodes of teen mom 2? Nobody cares about Kendra’s ridiculous fake show.

    1. @Amoeba: Just wanted to address this because a lot of people have made similar comments. The Ashley does the Teen Mom 2/Teen Mom OG recaps on her own and they take nearly a full day. She only assists with the photo captions/some comments in the other recaps, which are written by Holly and The Ashley adds her comments to them. So they take much less time. Please bear with me! Launching the new site was very time-consuming! TM2 recaps will be back! -The Ashley

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