Shake out your unruly man-hair and bust out your most entitled attitude because it’s time for another episode of Sister Wives. When we left off with the Brown Family last week, Mykelti was eager to get married to Tony, who had no problem telling Mykelti’s parents, Christine and Kody, that they should just mortgage their house to pay for the wedding. (As you do.)
Kody is not thrilled with the idea of Mykelti marrying Tony for several reasons. First, he thinks it’s too close to Madison’s wedding, and that it’s kind of cruddy that Mykelti is trying to steal her sister’s spotlight. He also feels that Mykelti and Tony have not been dating long enough to get married.
Anyway, we start out this episode off with Janelle, who is trying to plan Maddie’s wedding shower. She has elected to tackle the project herself, with no help from her sister wives.
Surely, Janelle knows that involving Christine means that there will have to be some sort of embarrassing dance performance, and Janelle isn’t the type to agree to do the Macarena while dressed as a toilet paper bride. She knows that involving Robyn will mean that somehow the shower will become about her, and she knows that involving Meri will mean that Meri will bust out her craft cart and try to turn Maddie’s shower into some a camo-print Pinterest nightmare. (Who could forget the spray-painted coffee cans of last Thanksgiving!?)
Janelle’s feeling a bit uncomfortable at the thought of shower guests bringing Maddie lingerie. She asks Maddie’s maid of honor, Dezi, if they can somehow request that no one bring the bride-to-be any panties because…well, it’s just creepy to think of your daughter having sexy time.
The wives tell us that polygamist bridal showers/bachelorette parties aren’t like regular bridal showers. There are no lingerie gifts or penis straws in sight.
“Someone brought something naughty to your bridal shower,” Kody says to Christine.
“I know and I returned it,” she replied. Somehow that doesn’t surprise us. It was probably an apron that didn’t go down to her knees. Scandalous!
Later, Kody decides to take Tony to lunch to try and persuade (aka threaten) him to wait to marry Mykelti for a few months. Kody says he can’t afford to finance Mykelti’s wedding so close to Madison’s. (Maybe he should have thought about that before having 20 children?)
Kody tells Tony he wants them to wait and get married in December, but Tony says Mykelti doesn’t want a December wedding.
“I don’t care,” Kody tells us. “Frankly it makes me laugh because it’s immature.”
Here’s a thought: If Tony and Mykelti are so dead-set on getting married ASAP, despite the fact that her parents can’t afford another wedding right now, why don’t these two entitled brats pay for the ding-dang thing themselves!?
If the scene about the lingerie didn’t give you the cringe-shivers, Kody is determined to fix that during this next scene. Kody is convinced that the reason Tony and Mykelti want to get married in August is that they want to have sex, so he decides to bring that up to Tony.
“You’ve waited 21 years to have sex, you can wait another few months,” he tells a horrified Tony.
“It’s like the big pink elephant in the room,” Kody tells us. “They’re having a chaste courtship and it’s hard. They’re starting to twitch.”
Eww. Really, Kody!? Must we think of Tony’s twitching reproductive organs?!
Kody isn’t finished bringing the creepiness, though. He continues to talk about sex with a very uncomfortable Tony.
“Get your intimacy, don’t be sexual, and learn to know each other,” he continues, adding that “reproductive intimacy” is like “warming up the plate he puts his food on.”
W…T…F…Now we’re comparing horniness to hot plates?!
Even though he rarely, if ever, makes any sense, Kody is so impressed with his own analogies that he tells us he should write a book.
Later, some of the gang is trying on clothes for Madison’s wedding. Caleb, who is understandably creeped out by Kody’s obsession with him, is playing nice with Kody and for some reason agrees to put on Kody’s shoes.
Kody, ever the wise guru, tells Caleb that he’s now stepped into his shoes.
“So, that means I’m in charge of your daughter now,” he says.
Good thing the lil’ woman has a man there to always take care of her. The poor little thing would be lost in this big ol’ world without a strong, powerful man looking after her.
Next, it’s time to devote a segment to the severely beaten dead horse that is Meri’s Catfish Catastrophe. Kody drives over to Utah to help Mariah move home for the summer. He decides to use this time to try to convince Mariah to stop being such a miserable crap-gremlin to her mother. Apparently Mariah feels “personally victimized” by Regina George Meri over the whole catfishing incident.
You’ve gotta hand it to Mariah. She has the ability to make literally anything about her, even if it has nothing to do with her.
Mariah tells Kody that she hasn’t forgiven Meri for being wooed by the catfish.
“Last summer was miserable for me,” Mariah says. “I spent the entire summer telling her she was being catfished and she wouldn’t listen to me. She spent the entire summer trying to get me to like this person who I knew wasn’t a good person.”
Mariah says that Meri hasn’t admitted that she had real feelings for this catfish person.
UM…did Mariah miss the entire last season of ‘Sister Wives?’ Meri has admitted that like every episode.
Mariah, sitting there in the rental house her parents paid for so she can go to the expensive college her parents pay for, talks about how she’s so angry at Meri, and how she has had it so hard because of her mother’s ‘affair.’
Kody explains to Mariah that, by snubbing her mother, it is just killing Meri, but of course, Mariah doesn’t care. She seems oddly excited to be able to bring more misery to Meri’s sad life. After all, Meri wronged Mariah here, guys.
Can we start some sort of GoFundMe for Mariah? This kid has suffered so much!
Mariah said she thinks it was a very real possibility that Meri would have left Kody if the catfish had been a real man. (That’s actually probably true.) For once, Kody is actually acting like an adult and is telling his daughter that he takes some of the blame for the quasi-affair that Meri had.
He tells her that Meri was lonely and that she sought out other “men” because he wasn’t being a good husband to her. It’s actually quite impressive. Of course, Mariah can’t accept that it’s Kody’s fault. (She can accept that Apple Watch from her parents, though, of course.)
Kody decides that Mariah needs to see Nancy, the family therapist and Mariah agrees.
Next we swing back to Mykelti’s life. She and Tony are going hiking, and Mykelti doesn’t seem at all suspicious that TLC is trailing them with cameras on this “hiking adventure.” Mmm-hmmm.
Tony tells us that he picked Mykelti’s engagement ring out at the pawn shop she works at, and he’s planning to propose on the hike.
We find out that Christine still isn’t that happy with the relationship.
“Mykelti is so different when he’s around,” Christine says. “She’s quiet and reserved and I just don’t know her when he’s around.”
Tony takes Mykelti up to the top of the mountain….and we cut away to Meri and Janelle’s therapy session. Geez. Is this dead story line still going on?
“The relationship with Meri and I has always been very superficial,” Janelle says.
The therapist decides they need to go on a camping trip to get to a “deeper level” in their relationship. They say they’re not ready for that so they decide to just drive around and listen to an audio book about vulnerability…separately. What kind of cut-rate therapist is this?
We check back in with Mykelti and Tony. They have come to a resting place. Tony tells Mykelti he has a surprise for her. She’s hoping it’s a granola bar (um?) but is thrilled when he (attempts) to get down on one knee to propose. He wrote her a poem and he begins to recite it. We learn that Tony is basically the William Shakespeare of our generation.
“I know it has been but a short time, but I’d like to propose to you with a short rhyme. I propose that we live together to the very end. Because you have become my best friend,” Tony says. “We would spend our days in joyful love. We would travel the world like a majestic dove…”
Oh sweet Baby Jesus….
Tony isn’t done, though.
“We will be a family upon our traditions and we will cook Brown food in our kitchen,” he tells her. “All these could be yours if you’ll just say yes to me. So, what do you say, will you marry me?”
Mykelti says yes, while somehow managing to keep a straight face throughout Tony’s “poem.” The happy couple tells us that they are determined to get married in August, no matter what anyone says.
Next week, the Browns get to the last-minute details for Maddie’s wedding, while the adults all try to figure out how to get Mykelti to wait to get hitched.
To read our recap of the previous episode of ‘Sister Wives,’ click here!