Finish decking the halls of your Flagstaff rental home and spare no expense in stringing up some garland in your elevator because we’re back for another Sister Wives Christmas episode! (Apparently there was just too much Meri merriment going on within this family to condense the holiday joy into a single one-hour episode.)

When we last saw the Brown family, they were packed into Christine’s living room and recovering from Kody’s video presentation “gift” of his Polygamist Barbie Dream House. In this Dream House scenario, Kody would force his wives and whatever kids are too young to legally emancipate themselves to all live, against their will, in one giant house that they can’t afford.

Later that night, the family gathers what’s left of their will to live and shuffles on up to Meri’s Leggings Mansion to celebrate Christmas Eve. While the wives and children struggle to make it up Meri’s steep-as-hell driveway with their hiking sticks, Kody busts through the door wearing a gorilla sweater…as you do.

After dinner, they go into the living room to open matching gifts of Christmas pajamas. They take a few photos and seem to actually be enjoying themselves for a hot second before Kody ruins it all by reminding everyone that he brought along the drawings for his house. He demands everyone crowd around and stare at them with him.  

(Why do I feel like when the family goes to check their stockings on Christmas morning, all they’ll find is a portrait of Kody and their own wallet-sized blueprints of Kody’s Dream House?) 

While the wives are cleaning up in the kitchen, Kody comes in to lend a hand announce YET AGAIN (but louder this time) that he brought the plans to his house. The wives look absolutely exhausted of hearing about this…and kind of like they may give Kody a saucepan to the face if he doesn’t turn around and leave the kitchen right now.

Kody fails to get most of the family to look at his stupid plans A few of the kids and Janelle indulge him and look at the blueprints, while Meri disappears to ride up and down her elevator (we’re assuming), and Robyn and Christine avoid that area of the house so they can talk crap on Kody…probably.

The next morning, the family makes its way to Robyn’s house to celebrate Christmas, where once again, too many people are piled into one room. This time, though, they’re also surrounded by presents. Surprisingly, Kody has used wrapping paper to wrap the gifts and not blueprint copies of his Dream House.

(Hahaha, just kidding. There’s no way in holy hell Kody wrapped any of those gifts! The man has 18 kids so we know he’s not great at wrapping things up!) 

And, as if this situation wasn’t already causing enough stress, one of Kody’s kids gifts him a bullhorn, which he wastes no time in firing up and using to make himself even louder and more unbearable. Can someone do a welfare check on Meri?  Methinks she’s probably crouched down, sobbing in her elevator, mumbling “Now he has a bullhorn too? How is this my life?” 

While Kody gives thanks via loud speaker, Hunter returns the gratitude and thanks his parents for conceiving him. 

If that thought isn’t enough to make you upchuck your Christmas cookies, Kody then regales the group of the fun memories of said conception and informs them that particular trip to Polygamy Pound Town happened pre-ponytail.

(Is anyone else having trouble processing the fact that Kody and Janelle had to have sex at least six times? Just me? OK…)

We then cut to Kody and the wives (who are literally giggling at this point) being asked by the director to explain the whole ponytail joke. 

Robyn then ruins this holiday and all future holidays (for us, anyway) when she explains that “ya hear Janelle purr when Kody’s hair is in a ponytail.” 

JESUS GOD.

In an attempt to get everyone to stop talking about her mom and dad boning, Maddie comes forward to reveal some big news. She and her husband Caleb announce that Maddie is pregnant with their second child. 

(In other words, someone better be willing to let her give birth in the bathtub at their rental home in a few months.)

A few days later, Kody and the Sister Wives get together at Meri’s Leggings Mansion to talk about the Las Vegas homes and the fact that they’ve still not sold, despite Janelle’s best efforts.

Janelle tells the Sister Wives that there hasn’t been a lot of traffic to the two houses on the market — hers and Christine’s — and she suggests a $40,000 drop in both of the listings. Christine is mad about the way Janelle broke the news to her and feels she should’ve been told privately before the rest of the family.

Janelle ain’t having it and seems tired of having to always have “special conversations” in order to keep her Sister Wives from having tantrums. She says she’s drained and ready “to be done with this chapter.” Meri seems skeptical about Janelle’s approach in selling the homes and wants to know what her sales strategy has been thus far. She also offers a little advice on how to sell her own home once it goes on the market. 

“I am not a realtor, I would not know what to do to get people through the door and looking at my house,” Meri says. “Except to say that it is an amazing house and it has this fabulous wet bar!” 

This, as you can imagine, goes over about as well as Kody’s blueprints.

Janelle says she’s going to continue hosting open houses and pray to the polygamy gods that the houses sell before the family goes into financial ruin. Kody says he’s been waiting for Janelle to make the price-cut announcement for two months, which Robyn finds odd, considering that Kody told the Sister Wives the move to Flagstaff would be a good financial move for the family. 

Wait…WHAT? HOLD THE PHONES! Are we saying Kody made a poor financial decision and then lied to cover up his own stupidity!? UNBELIEVABLE! 

Kody then tells the wives that the family could have stayed in Las Vegas (UMM, WHAT?!?!) and accuses them (aka Robyn) of pointing fingers at him for everything being such a mess.

Lawwwd, someone better hold Meri back. Otherwise these people are gonna end up on Cops tonight…

As Robyn, Christine and Janelle make their way out of Meri’s house, we learn that Kody stayed back to have a little one-on-one discussion with Meri.

Kody talks to Meri about their former home in Utah —- the Brown’s home prior to the Las Vegas move—- which the family kept and rented out. Meri explains that because the house was built in a polygamist layout, the family ended up losing money when it finally sold. Kody says if the Las Vegas homes don’t sell soon, the family will have to move back to live in them. Of course, if this happens, the family will have wasted a TON of money and uprooted all of their kids for absolutely nothing.

“I’m really concerned he’s gonna look like an idiot,” Meri says.

Um…that ship sailed somewhere around Season 1, darling….

Kody says the only thing that could have been done differently is if the family would have moved to St. George, Utah, instead of Flagstaff and he reveals that he had even found homes for all of the wives there. Kody says he doesn’t blame his wives, he blames “the damn legislature in Utah.”

That and pretty much everyone and everything except himself…

That’s all for this week! 

On the next episode of ‘Sister Wives,’ Kody and the Sister Wives celebrate Valentine’s Day, which for Kody means sitting his wives down once again to talk about his Polygamist Barbie Dream House. It’s official: much like Kody’s hair, romance is dead. 

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here! 

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(Photos: TLC)