When you have a Beaver dressed like a deer who’s madder than a hornet, it can only mean one thing: it’s Halloween time on Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant!
Oddly, the holiday is only mentioned during Rachel Beaver‘s segments, but there’s plenty of scary moments happening on this episode of the show, what with the gun charges and a birthday party with so much tension you can cut it with a knife. (Seriously if they played the theme from “Halloween” during those scenes with no sound, it would be a terrifying movie!)
Let’s get started!
We kick things off this week in Illinois with Kayla. She and her pal Ivory are chit-chatting about how Kayla and her can’t-keep-his-Dick-in-his-Dickies-pants baby daddy Luke are doing a little better since they returned from having a “la-dee-dah time” in LA. (It’s amazing what a free vacation can do for a relationship!)
In fact, they’ve even decided to postpone being “on a break” as they had planned before the trip. Still, Kayla is skeptical that her relationship with Luke can be fixed.
Plus, you know, there’s that pesky problem of Luke’s mom Noopie and sister basically wanting to beat Kayla down for disrespecting Luke by “talking” to her ex. Kayla says that, even if her and Luke flush the toilet on their crappy relationship, she still needs to try to clear the air with his family.
She says that, even if Luke’s sister and mom tried to go all “Hulk Smash” on her face, she still wants them to be in her kids’ lives.
I think that’s nice…
Next we had to Oregon to check in with Brianna. Her son Braeson is potty training…on-camera…which is…concerning. They actually show the kid, pants-down on the potty. MTV, can we not? This feels…icky. If you want to show Catelynn Lowell on the pot pissing on a pregnancy test– or in a Tupperware container— that’s A-OK with me because she’s an adult and free to make her own questionable bathroom-filming choices. But this is a kid. Ick.
Moving on to subjects less-exploitive (which will be hard to find when you’re watching a ‘Teen Mom’ show), Brianna is proud of herself for being out on her own. To celebrate, she is inviting some friends and family over to see her new place.
Brianna’s mom Jessica comes over and immediately begins to slyly pick up the slop all over Braeson’s room.
Soon, some of Brianna’s friends (and their disgruntled boyfriends) arrive to Brianna’s Slop Shack and dig themselves a hole on the couch to sit. Her pal Ashley arrives with her husband Chris in tow. Chris does not like thrilled to be there, so I am pretty sure that when Ashley told him they were going to party on-camera with MTV, he was expecting a Jersey Shore-esque “Girls Gone Wild” scene and instead got a sticky apartment full of juice boxes and dinosaurs.
Later, Brianna thanks everyone for supporting her in her pursuit of her own apartment.
Meanwhile, Kiaya is back in Virginia after her MTV-funded trip to Los Angeles, and unfortunately, she reveals Teazha’s grandma has recently passed away.
Kiaya says she respects however Teazha chooses to handle her grandma’s death, and while discussing the situation with her sister Brianna, Kiaya notes that Teazha didn’t attend the funeral. Brianna points out that Teazha most likely wouldn’t have had a lot of family support if she had attended the funeral, which Kiaya confirms, admitting she had no intention of attending the funeral herself.
Kiaya reminds viewers that things between her and Teazha’s family are worse than ‘Teen Mom: Young and Pregnant’ ratings–– so much in fact, that Kiaya ended up getting into a fight with Teazha’s cousin earlier in the year that resulted in Kiaya’s arrest. (Don’t ya hate it when that happens?!)
According to Kiaya, Teazha’s family lied and told police that Kiaya had a gun and that she “attacked them,” which explains Kiaya’s trip to the slammer and subsequent
glamour mug shot.
Kiaya says all of the charges against her were ultimately dropped– a win for both Kiaya and MTV, as Kiaya says she was facing up to 10 years in prison had she been convicted.
Kiaya claims she’s moved on from all the drama, but she’s still bothered that Teazha’s family can’t be supportive of her.
Meanwhile, in Ohio, Madisen says that Christian is “helping me watch Camille.” (Um…isn’t that his kid too? In the words of Chelsea Houska— “Dads don’t babysit!”)
Madisen said that Christian may have put his video game on “pause” and colored with his daughter for 10 minutes, but their relationship is still in the crapper.
On top of her relationship woes, Madisen has to find a new place to live for herself, Camille and Christian (and his PlayStation.) Madisen’s dad Nick and his new wife Christina are moving into a new smaller house, which means that Madisen & Co.’s days of free basement dwelling are dwindling.
Madisen takes Camille to talk to her dad in the new house. (Camille is allowed to wander the construction site, naturally.)
Nick reminds Madisen that she’s going to be homeless in about two weeks if she doesn’t find a place to move. He offers to help her find a place, but brings up the fact that Christian could be doing more to support his family.
Things aren’t great between Madisen and Christian, so she’s wondering if she should just dump him off somewhere in Ohio and find a place for herself and Camille.
Finally, we check in with the true stars of this driveway-porta-potty-of-a-show, the Beavers! We finally get to see what those rascally Beaver gals are up to!
Rachel says that she’s been watching her own daughter, Hazelnut, all day long, in addition to her sister Malorie‘s daughter Emerson, and she needs a ding-dang break! Luckily, Ma Beaver (aka Stephanie) is coming to fetch the youngins to give Rachel a breather.
When Ma Beaver arrives, she sits down with Rachel to discuss all of the trauma Rachel brought up on-stage while in LA.
“I f**ked up, I get it!” Steph says, before actually bringing up the idea of them going to family therapy to resolve their past issues.
Rachel says that loading the whole bushel of Beavers into Steph’s AstroVan and going to family therapy together would be a waste of time. She says that she’s already taking steps to break the cycle of piss-poor parenting in the Beaver family, and that’s the most-important thing.
“I’m not being rude but getting away from y’all changed me,” Rachel tells her mother.
Still, Ma Beaver feels like family therapy would be beneficial for the whole Beaver Clan.
Back in Oregon, Brianna picks up Braeson from her mother’s house. Things are better, but still not great, between Brianna and Jessica. Currently, Jessica is giving Brianna a crappy time (pun intended) about Braeson refusing to poop in the potty.
“You don’t put any time or effort into it, really,” Jessica tells Brianna about potty-training the kid. “You have to commit to it.”
Brianna blames the fact that she is a single mom and has to work for why she can’t potty train her son and Jessica is not having it.
“I can’t just take off a week of work to focus on potty training!” Brianna protests.
Jessica reminds Brianna that she was a single mom, too, but still managed to potty-train Brianna. In fact, Jessica says that she was able to potty-train three whole kids on her own!
Brianna is upset that Jessica is critiquing her parenting. After all, it’s her kid, and if she wants him to be in Pampers until prom, so be it!
Back in Illinois, Kayla tells us that, a few weeks after she had her abortion, her pal Annabelle found out she was pregnant. Annabelle chose to continue the pregnancy so now Kayla is taking her to an ultrasound appointment. Kayla moves past the awkwardness so she can be there for her knocked up friend.
“It’s going to be weird dealing with a newborn when that could have been me,” Kayla says.
In other news, Kayla’s kids’ birthdays are both approaching, which means her family and Luke’s family will be coming together to celebrate. (And, by “celebrate” I mean possibly creating a dogpile brawl right in the middle of the Chuck E. Cheese’s…as you do.)
Kayla hopes that Noopie & Co. will refrain from beating her until after the party is over. (After all, no one wants to get into a brawl under the watchful eye of a giant cartoon rat!)
Kayla tells Annabelle that she and Luke are “technically together” and living together, but they’re “not doing anything a couple would do.” (So…basically…they’re not banging.)
She says that she and Luke can’t continue to live this way. Between the tension (and the lack of pickle-tickling going on), Kayla is not happy.
A few days later, Kayla and Luke are having a birthday party for their daughter Ariah. The party is being held at Noopie’s House ‘o’ Bitchslaps…so this should be interesting. (I hope MTV handed out helmets to their camera crew before they headed into the party.)
Luke says he hopes that the women in his life can keep things civil (and keep their mitts off each other) so that his daughter’s party isn’t ruined.
Halfway through the party, no one is bleeding or being handcuffed, so Kayla considers it a success.
While the kids are playing outside with Kayla, Noopie asks Luke how things are going between him and Kayla. Luke tells his mom that they “could be better.”
Noopie launches into a sermon, telling Luke that he has to make time for his family (aka them), because “relationships go out the window when it’s not time for family at home.”
Um…I have no idea what she’s talking about. Did Farrah Abraham write that?
She encourages Luke to let her (or Kayla’s mom Jamie) take the kids for a night or two, so that Luke and Kayla can have some alone time to decide if they want to stay together. Surprisingly, Noopie says that she wants Luke and Kayla to stay together. (Sure, Jan…)
“However it works out, I’ve always got my son’s best interest at heart,” she says. (Now that I believe!)
Over in Virginia, Teazha meets up with her friend Zeekay to talk about her family issues. Teazha says the fight that led to Kiaya’s arrest was the “last straw” for her, and she hasn’t been speaking to her family since. She does, however, tell Zeekay that her mom has been reaching out to her a lot lately via text, though she believes it’s only because she’s grieving the loss of Kiaya’s grandmother. She also says her life is “way more peaceful” without having to worry about her family trying to send her girlfriend to the slammer.
After talking to Zeekay, Teazha goes to Kiaya’s mom’s, where she has been living on and off for about five years. While she, Kiaya and Kiaya’s mom, Tiffany, are talking, Tiffany says she saw Kiaya’s mugshot online. (Apparently Tiffany’s reads The Ashley?)
Kiaya says the only thing she’s worried about is people thinking she did something she didn’t do.
Meanwhile, Tiffany is bothered by the fact that Teazha’s family brought Kiaya into the drama, despite Tiffany basically being the only adult there for Teazha for the last five years. Teazha says her plan for dealing with her family from now on is to not deal with them unless it’s on her terms.
Back in Tennessee, Rachel and her man Noah are talking about their relationship. Drew— who is wearing a penguin-shaped hat (as you do)— talks about the perks of truck driving, even though Rachel doesn’t want him to go into that profession.
Rachel reminds Noah that they already talked about him taking this trucking job and that “we already decided that this is not for us.”
Noah reminds her that there aren’t too many jobs out there where a fella can make $100,000 a year— and continue to express himself via penguin hat.
Noah then informs us that his goal in life is to become a “hotel owner.”
Um…so does he want to be like Conrad Hilton? Or is he hoping to take over ownership of the neighborhood Flop ‘n’ Flea before it’s condemned by the city? (I do admire the fact that a dude on this show actually has ambition to do something other than make babies with random chicks and collect an MTV paycheck, though.)
Rachel reminds Noah that Hazelwood views him as her father and they need him to be around. Noah says that he wants to “work really hard” now so he can finish out his days, relaxing as the owner of the Ye Olde Sleep Shack as the penny rolls flow in!
Rachel offers to throw her MTV money into the [penguin] hat, but Noah says no because he didn’t earn this money.
(UMMMM….a dude saying no to his girlfriend’s MTV money? On THIS SHOW? That’s almost unheard of!)
Noah is clearly disappointed that his dreams of truck driving have been dashed and vows to try to think of some other way to make $100k a year while still being home to be with HazelEyes and help Rachel apply her Manic Panic pink hair dye and whatnot.
Back in Ohio, Madisen is still trying to figure out where the hell she’s going to live— and who the hell she’s going to live with.
She and her stepmom Christina head out to get some chow and discuss Madisen’s dilemma. They do this at the—- wait for it— “Cockeye BBQ.” (Seriously, did The Ashley come up with that restaurant name in a previous recap?)
Madisen doesn’t know if she and Christian are going to stay together, so she’s not sure if she wants him to move with her. Madisen says she doesn’t foresee her and Christian ending up together, and she’s just tired of trying to pry the damn video game controller out of his hands after he passes out on the couch every night, drooling and dreaming of new Mario Brothers cheat codes and stuff.
Later, Madisen talks to Christian and tells them that their living situation is “not i-dill.” She doesn’t want to live on her own, but she doesn’t want to shack up with a fairly useless wolfman either.
Christian had been trying to get another job, because apparently slinging dranks for the local hicks just ain’t cutting it. He recently interviewed for a job at a moving company and just found out he got the job.
That means Christian will be working two jobs. He tells Madisen that them moving in together just makes sense. Otherwise they’ll have to get two separate apartments, etc. Madisen realizes that, with Christian working two jobs, she will be stuck taking care of their daughter most of the time.
“I’ll be home not very much,” Christian replies. (Obviously that moving company interview didn’t include an IQ test or a personality test.)
Meanwhile in Tennessee, it’s Halloween in BeaverVille! Rachel is still convinced that her family is toxic, so she decides that she and Noah and Hazzard will not be going to Mama Beaver’s trailer for tricks and treats. (Honestly, if you ask me, everything this family does is a ding-dang treat!)
Instead, they are decorating pumpkins at their own house “as a family.”
Meanwhile at the Beaver Dam, Mama Beaver is pissed off! She is mad that Rachel didn’t bring Hazy over for Halloween. She tells Malorie all about it (while she’s dressed as some sort of raver Bambi.)
“All of a sudden she thinks her family is toxic, and now she doesn’t want Hazelee around us!” Steph yells. “It’s always everybody else’s fault!”
“She never looks at herself like she is the f**king toxic one!” she adds. (It’s really hard to take Mama Beaver serious when she’s flopping her deer ears and shaking glitter everywhere.)
Mama and Malorie talk about Rachel’s least-becoming personality traits as the kiddies run around the yard looking for dead possums (or something…I have no idea.) Stephanie is afraid that Rachel will take her daughter away from them.
“That baby needs a family!” Steph yells.
Malorie insists that Rachel’s in love with Noah because he buys her things, and that Rachel will eventually come crawling back to the Beaver dam once things go belly up in her relationship.
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom: Young & Pregnant!’ To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode, click here!