By Holly & The Ashley
It’s time for another episode of The Mother/Daughter Experiment… or as we like to call it, “The Courtney Stodden and Her Terrible Mother” show. As you may recall, we’ve spent the past few episodes listening to Courtney tell us how her mother Krista first married her off to a 50-year-old and then tried to steal the old guy away from her. No, this is not another Lifetime Movie. This is what actually happened in this poor girl’s life.
This episode picks up where we left off last week: Natalie is screaming at Kim because she thinks that Kim was talking crap on her. For once, though, Kim actually wasn’t talking crap on anyone, but Natalie heard her incorrectly. (That’s what happens when you are 14 Mimosas into a night of drinking, apparently you don’t hear properly.)
Natalie then takes all of her anger out on her mom Karen and they spend several minutes yelling at each other to “shut the f**k up.”
Since she is in now in “therapy” and is looking for healthy ways to cope with her feelings, Natalie decides to get wasted, and, of course, Jessica and Heidi decide to join her. (You know Heidi isn’t going to miss a chance to guzzle free liquor and be on camera. That’s like Heidi’s version of Christmas and New Years Eve all rolled into one!)
“I can’t wait to black out,” Natalie says. As you do.
Jessica’s daughter, Josie, comes out from the hole she has been hiding in and is very embarrassed to see that, once again, her mother is acting like a 21-year-old on Spring Break.
“You are this age; you should be acting that age. It’s time to grow up,” Josie says.
Does Jessica have some kind of gag order on her where she can’t reveal her true age? Everyone always seems to stop short of revealing Jessica’s actual age.
The next day, the whole motley crew goes to their (much needed) therapy session. After last week’s fake deaths, the ladies are nervous to find out what Dr. Debbie has planned for them in her House of Fame-Whorrers.
The task for today is for each person to write down one issue that they have been avoiding discussing.
They let Courtney and her mom Krista go first because, well, they bring the jaw-dropping drama. The issue that Krista wrote down is what she calls “the real reason” she stepped down as Courtney’s manager.
That’s what you she wants to talk about?! Business? Well, that makes sense because it’s not like Krista basically sold her teen daughter to an old dude for fame, or pressured Courtney into making some horrendous business decisions when she was too young to really understand the consequences of them….oh, wait…
Krista once again just wants to talk about the business aspects of their relationship. How is she this self-absorbed and delusional?
Shar’s daughter Cassie says what we are all thinking.
“Krista has been on another planet since we started this experience,” Cassie says.
Krista goes on and on about fame and success while all of the other moms and daughters look at her like she’s crazy. You know it’s bad when the mom and daughter pair that spent all night cussing each other out are starting to look like the sane ones. Shar finally chimes in with her weekly zinger.
“We are on our way to the Penthouse and Krista is still on the first floor,” she says. “Girl, the elevator works. Just hop on.”
Courtney tries to bring up the fact that her mom never takes responsibility for any of her wrongdoings…and Krista again brings it back to the business. Courtney claims that Krista has thrown herself at Courtney’s other boyfriends as well, including once when Courtney was 12 years old. Krista doesn’t even deny that she wanted to get with Courtney’s 17-year-old grocery-bagging boytoy.
Natalie and her mom are next. Natalie’s mom says she was hurt that Natalie never wanted to talk to her about her 22-year marriage ending. Natalie is honest, and just flat-out tells her mother that she doesn’t care about her stupid marriage.
Heidi talks to her mom about Spencer Pratt and how his and Darlene’s relationship has deteriorated.
“If I was in a position to choose, I would definitely choose Spencer over my mom,” Heidi says.
Darlene says she thinks the TV persona we see is not the real Heidi, but Heidi disagrees.
“I’m a reality star. This is my life. Sometimes I have to be a wolf,” Heidi says.
Heidi is desperately trying to claw her way up to the star position on this show, but it is just not happening. In our opinion, that seat belongs to Shar, whose quips and epic faces basically make this show tolerable.
After therapy, Shar sits down with Krista and tries to get the gossip.
“How was it to have your 16-year-old daughter marry a grown man?” she asks Krista.
Shar ain’t playin’! She’s going right in for the good stuff!
Krista tries to explain that she felt like Doug would be able to take care of Courtney, but Shar isn’t buying it.
“Sometimes Krista seems to me like she’s home, but she didn’t turn the lights on,” Shar says.
Krista makes sure to (again) mention that Doug actually asked her out first. Shar does a perfect cartoonesque double take at this news.
Krista then gives her speech about how Doug was coming to her after he married Courtney talking about their problems and how Krista understood him better.
“I think Krista thinks she’s telling her story,” Shar says. “But I don’t think she realizes she’s telling everybody, ‘I just basically cheated with my daughter’s husband.’”
Natalie and Heidi must be super mad that they’re not getting enough air time with all this son-in-law stealing going on, so they decide to kick up some dust. Heidi decides to take a camera man with her and confront Kim about being late to therapy and dinner. (Why the hell does Heidi even care if Kim doesn’t make it to dinner? After all, that means more champagne for Heidi!)
Heidi marches over to Kim’s room and tells her to be on time for meals. This, of course, pisses of Kim and her daughter Kimberly who are plotting revenge on Heidi (who is, at this point, hanging out with Courtney and comparing breast implants. No, seriously…)
During the Heidi/Kim debacle, Natalie switches up and starts taking Kim’s side which, of course, makes Heidi mad. But really, no one cares.
Sorry Heidi, you’re not going to be the star of this reality show, especially when we have Courtney and Krazy Krista on board.
Because this wouldn’t be a reality therapy show without forced manual labor, the pairs are told that they will have to build something together. Of course, they all end up fighting and screaming at each other which, at this point, isn’t even very interesting to watch.
Later Heidi and Natalie sit down with Courtney to ask about her sex life with her 50-year-old husband. Natalie asks her if their sex life is good. Courtney says it is “really good.” Courtney tells them she was “half a virgin” when she married Doug.
Wait…what? And also….ew.
She said their relationship hit a bit of a rough patch and they separated when she was 19, but they’ve been back together for over a year and are going strong. Courtney said she spent their time apart going out, partying and hooking up with other men, but now she has that out of her system and is ready to stay committed to Doug.
Courtney explains to them how she knew her mom had the hots for Doug. She said about six months after they got married, she saw her mom grabbing and reaching for Doug in the kitchen while she was in the other room. Doug rebuffed her.
Courtney claims that Krista told him, “I feel what my daughter feels. I love you so much.”
Later Krista is chatting with a few of the other moms about how much Doug likes her. Courtney, who is in the bathtub, hears what her mom is saying and storms out of the bathroom to confront Krista.
Krista admits to being emotionally attached to Doug but then throws a bomb at Courtney.
“Why don’t you ask your husband what his fantasy was about you and me?”
Krista storms out and threatens to leave. Heidi, ever the voice of reason (and rum), tries to get Krista to stay.
Next week, Krista breaks down Doug’s alleged fantasy in full detail. She tells some of the other moms that Doug wanted both her and Courtney in bed with him, with Krista teaching Courtney how to please him.
Two questions: What the hell are we watching….and why the hell isn’t Krista in some sort of locked institution? Seriously, this is disgusting.
To read our recaps of other episodes of ‘The Mother/Daughter Experiment,’ click here!