RECAP: From the Swamp to St. Thomas: Jenelle Evans & David Eason Go On Vacation

Look out, St. Thomas! Whatever this is…is coming your way! 

Jenelle Evans posted a new vlog this week, regaling us with the tale of her recent vacation to the island of St. Thomas. Naturally, Jenelle brought her back-from-the-dead husband, David Eason, with her to the island paradise, and filmed the whole thing! 

Grab a Natty Ice (or ten!), wipe off your neck sweat and weed-whack your bikini area so it’s OnlyFans ready, because we’re goin’ on vacation with the Easons. (And, before any of you comment, “The Ashley, don’t you have anything better to do than to write about Jenelle’s vacation?” allow me to answer the question: No…no I do not.)

Jenelle’s video kicks off in a North Carolina airport. (We can assume that Lurch threw Jenelle and their suitcases on the back of their riding lawnmower and beelined it from The Land to the airport.) 

Jenelle is all suited up in “vaycay” mode. She’s even got a portable fan strapped to her neck, to help her cool down. She says she gets hotter than Kieffer‘s kitchen after a meth cookout, due to her assorted ailments and cysts, so she has purchased some sort of fan to keep the neck sweats at bay! 

I think that’s nice…

“I should get one of these for my cooter ‘n’ my tooter, too!”

Speaking of sweaty necks, Lurch is also in vaycay mode. Isn’t it great that he was able to take time off of work to finally relax?

Oh…wait.

And how convenient that he was able to time his vacation for when he was out of school?

Oh…wait.

Well, it’s nice that he and Jenelle can get away. I mean, they work so hard all year long.

Oh…wait.

“Me and David, we’re actually headin’ to St. Thomas!” Jenelle tells the camera.

Imagine you’re heading to your seat on the airplane and this is what you see in the row you’re sitting in…

Jenelle is thrilled that they’ll be flying direct to St. Thomas, and that they don’t have to stop “at Florida.”

These aer-o-planes sure are nifty, ain’t they?!

Jenelle informs us that, even though she’s on vacation, her constant medical ailments never take a day off. 

“Ya know what else neva takes a day off? Me! I’m always taken care of ya kids! And ya off havin’ a la-dee-dah time on ya vacation!” 

Jenelle— who is still in the airport, mind you— is relieved that she is “so far not sick with my esophagus.”

We are then treated to a view of inside the plane the Easons are on. Naturally, Mr. and Mrs. Jenelle Evans are already picking out the beers they’ll be ordering via the super-cool beer orderin’ screen in front of their seats. 

After what we can assume was hours upon hours of David burpin’ and fartin’ up Natty Ice, the Easons touch down in St. Thomas. Jenelle is thrilled that she “didn’t get sick” on the flight. It’s a ding-dang miracle! Thank the Baby Jesus God Leah for Natty Ice!

“If you keep your esophagus filled with beer and free airplane pretzels, it doesn’t gag ya!”

The Easons are greeted at the airport by a steel drum band. Naturally, though, they don’t bother listening to the local music. Instead, they beeline right to the alcohol store to purchase booze pops and mini bottles of liquor (as you do). She informs us that the mini bottles are for a future TikTok posting. 

They’re busy lapping up the liquor and Jenelle tells us that she hasn’t “drank all day.” (Apparently that’s an accomplishment?) 

She then remembers that she did, indeed, have a mimosa earlier in the day. 

When that liquor hits after you’ve been sober for a whole THREE hours…

Next, they go fetch their rental car. 

The video picks up with a very excited David and Jenelle explaining that they just picked up…wait for it…a 2021 BRONCO! They are so jazzed. (They do know it’s 2022 currently, right?) Obviously, there is nothing wrong with a 2021 Bronco; however, the Easons are acting like they just won the lottery. David hasn’t been this excited since it was “Wolfmen Drink Free” night down at the Guzzle Hut.

They drive to the AirBnB and it has a gorgeous view (that’s spoiled by David’s big ol’ moist head, though).

“I can’t wait to pee off this here balcony!”

We go inside and see the bed where Jenelle and David will almost certainly exchange swampy bodily fluids later that evening. 

Shiver.

The AirBnB also has a private pool. (Jenelle seems excited to get to swim around in a body of water and not have to worry about a snake or skeeter biting her!) 

Jenelle shows us all the assorted wildlife and iguanas that are around their rental. She is absolutely amazed that the iguanas actually eat…and stuff.  As soon as David appears, though, the iguana scampers the hell outta there. (He knows if he stays, it won’t be long until David will have him crisping on the stove!) 

“And people say I’M a swamp monster!”

The video picks up the next morning, when the Easons are enjoying a morning drink and breakfast. They’re dining on some fancy food (no possum today, folks!) We watch as Jenelle chews with her mouth open, talking on camera the whole time.

Next, they hop is their 2021 BRONCO! and Jenelle shows off her stellar navigation skills. She fails to identify right from left multiple times and David giggles like Beavis at her inability to distinguish between the two.

They stop at a roadside stand and buy some fruit. (For some reason, David feels the need to strip his shirt off to do this. JESUS GOD LEAH.) He hauls his tropical wonders back to the 2021 BRONCO! for Jenelle to inspect. 

He pulls out the first fruit and asks Jenelle to identify it. She suggests that it’s a “green eggplant.” 

Why do I feel like that thing was featured in OnlyFans content later that night?

Next, he pulls out a mango. Jenelle literally gasps at the sight of it. He pulls out a few other fruits and Jenelle is equally amazed by all of it. (Something tells me that there aren’t many fresh fruits making their way to The Land.) 

One of these fruits is a soursop. (David, naturally, pronounces it “sour-sap.”) Jenelle recognizes it because she read on some wonky Facebook post that it cures cancer…and stuff.

That brings us to Day 3. It’s morning and Jenelle is filming the view. 

“You hear all the– it sounds like screaming?” she asks. 

My guess is that the people of St. Thomas just found out the Easons have infiltrated their island…

She explains why there’s been a lack of filming up until this point. It seems that the Easons met up with some “new friends” the first night and got “really drunk.” The second day, Jenelle was hungover all day, so she didn’t want to film. 

Oh Jenelle, I’m sure you weren’t hungover. You were just tired, had a headache and felt like you were gonna throw up…

Jenelle says they took a “long ass nap” after getting fruit. 

“That’s the first nap I’ve had in years!” Jenelle said.

UM…?!? Sure, Jan…

Later, the Easons drive their 2021 BRONCO! to a “secret beach.” They are driving on a cliff and marveling at the view. Jenelle decides to make us gag by telling David he’s her “best view.” (I’m gagging harder than Jenelle’s esophagus on a plane, y’all!)

They continue to drive on a road that looks like it should be featured on an episode of Dateline about two dumb  tourists who get slaughtered for trespassing on a private beach. (I can hear Lester Holt‘s voice now: “They were a couple from the swamps of North Carolina, looking for a good time and a place to film OnlyFans content when it all went horribly wrong…”)

I hope David had his balloon-slashing knife! Safety first!

Jenelle narrates the drive, telling us, “People live down here, and stuff. That’s like their driveway…and stuff.”

Meanwhile, David open-mouth coughs all over the inside of the 2021 BRONCO!

“I got me a lil bit of that critter cough, don’t mind me none!”

This drive is longer than David’s toenails. Jenelle’s narration makes it even more painful to watch.

Finally, though, they make it to the damn beach. Jenelle explains that there are “ruins” near where they parked, but it appears that the “ruins” are actually an old horse trough or something. (I’m surprised David didn’t hop in and “warsh” off!) 

That “wershbin” must have made them feel all romantic because they stop to canoodle for a bit. David kisses Jenelle’s sweaty neck (and YOLO tattoo, of course) for the camera. 

“Pretend I’m a skeeter, suckin’ on yer neck!”

David plans to go into the water and snorkel, but Jenelle’s rump got burned up the day before so she’s going to sit the diving out today. David takes some sort of spear and heads out to the water as Jenelle tells us once again that this is a secret beach that only locals know about. 

We skip to the next day. She explains that the “secret” beach wasn’t all that great. In the time since we last saw him, though, David has acquired braided pigtails and now looks like Pippi Long-Swamping. It’s terrifying. 

“I’ll just shoot a hose through the braids when they start to stink!”

Day 4 is spent in St. John. They put the 2021 BRONCO! on a ferry and head over to the island, which is nearby. She says they’ll be hiking, swimming and buying gifts for Marissa and “the other kids.” Even Barb will be getting a gift!

“Maybe a day off from watchin’ all these kids?”

They rent a boat and David gets behind the wheel, braided hair frizz blowing in the breeze. With that, the Easons are off to terrorize the waters of St. John!

All we can hear is the sound of the high wind, but we do get to hear Jenelle say a few cringy things such as, “So…we out here! We out here!” 

In the words of Nathan Griffith: “Stop it.”

Jenelle gets the munchies so they pull over to the beach and have some snacks. Jenelle continues to narrate for us, pointing out a rock, the water and the boat.

They go hunting for sea turtles. Jenelle tells us later that their hunt was successful and that they did find “rilly big fish” and turtles.

Um, there’s a big one sitting right next to you, Jenelle…

They head back out on the boat, blasting their swamp tunes for the sea life to hear. 

That brings us to Day 5. The Easons are forced to head home to their assorted youngins. (Thanks a lot, Kaiser!) 

Back on The Land, Jenelle tells us that she had a super fun time in St. Thomas and she promises that there will be “more vlogs” coming soon. 

“I assume that’s what my ‘gift’ is?”

That’s all for this recap! Click here to read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom’ recaps!

(Photos: MTV; YouTube) 

 

43 Comments

  1. Your best articles spring from the most boring ridiculous trash. This was amazing. Bravo, and thank you.


  2. I have never read one of your posts, but I laughed my ass and loved every word. Your narration of these hillbillies shenanigans was perfection. I love to hate both of them so much!


  3. Dont sleep on the neck fan! I’ve been hearing they’re awesome. I was so inspired by Juhnelle that I finally pulled the trigger (😬😬 on the fan purchase)


  4. I didn’t watch Jenelle’s vlog but you’re a good writer so I visualized it all very clearly! 🤣


  5. I should NOT be laughing this hard this early in the morning,, your commentary literally had me in bed howling,,, thank you😂😂


  6. Holy crap this girl just needs to leave this terrible dood already… She could be having alot more fun somewhere better with someone better. This is a shitshow that’s about to wreck


  7. I have never even seen the show this chick is on but feel like I know this ‘couple’ from your posts . Thank you 🙂


    1. The Lester Holt…Dateline reference was classic! I almost spit my coffee out laughing so hard! I could hear the episode now.


  8. The way this article was written is the absolute best. Top tier commentary. Chef’s kiss 🤣🤣🤣


  9. Imagine the next person to rent the 2021 BRONCO!
    Or their room.

    YUK !!

    😫🤢🤢🤮🤮💩💩

    Great recap 💜


  10. OMG! You killed me with your words it was absolutely hilarious and so true I love reading your posts they are amazing and spot on.❤️


  11. I almost feel bad for her that she thinks people are genuinely interested in seeing any of that. Zero self awareness.


  12. The ONLY reason I read this was for Ashley’s hilarious narrating. What in the holy Eff is David doing with his hair and facial hair?! He has managed to look more hideous and honky than normal. It literally makes me gag that Jenelle could find him attractive whatsoever. Janelle is a 30 year old that will eternally be a 15 year old. It’s honestly really sad. I feel so bad for those kids that she has yet to grow up and get away from that disgusting swamp thing.


  13. God why couldn’t they stumble on a shark? And not a friendly Bruce aka “Fish are friends” shark either.


  14. This is quite possibly your funniest Swamp People article ever. I think I got every single reference. Should I be spending my time more productively? Yes. Yes, I should.


    1. @mrs B. To be fair, I think they were just looking for them. I probably shouldn’t have used the word “hunting” when writing about David Eason. No sea turtles were harmed, luckily! -The Ashley


  15. Ohhh My Gawwwwd, this read was purrrrfect the added touches literally made me LoL. Swampmonster has Got to be thee most disgusting and disturbing Repulsive braided specimen I’ve seen that lives outside of a Zoo ,then Yet again The Land must be considered sone type of ‘animal’ Kingdom. 😳 and Duhhhlujanelle aka Mrs SwampMoMster who has one spec of Class above Swampmonster which still is equivalent to Nuthin🙄 Tries her Hardest to convince us that they are just an In Love couple, When we All Know what goes on,cuzzz she films Errrry dang thang.Im Sure St Thomas/natives are More than relieved they are off the Island and the Stench must be Almost gone by now but Im sure they left some toxins there, especially with Beastly cougin n gaggin allover the place, Hopefully there is enough penicillin for errrybody for at least a 10 day regime. 😉 And now I can smell their back all the way across the states..probably will need a 10 day regime myself too,just from reading about them dimwitted filthy fkrs


  16. I love how Jenelle takes all her soulmates to St Thomas. She’s original and ‘out of the box ‘ like that.

    My visual observation (between my fingers): That hairline’s really creeping back off that noggin…and was UBT’s face always that wide? Or has the drinking made it swell? 🤔


  17. Am I imagining this, or is St Thomas where Nathan took her to propose?
    Either way I’ve been following this crap for far too long and need to get a life if my own outside of this shitshow!


    1. @Kitty – don’t feel bad lol! These two asshats are pure entertainment, and I’m not afraid to admit the joy in watching their desperate narrative in trying to pretend to be a normal happy couple while everyone else laughs their asses off!


    1. Seriously, I wonder if the Ashley is a comedy writer in the entertainment industry and just does this as a side-gig. I would have lost interest long ago in TM but these write ups are too funny to pass up and now I’m embarrassingly still up-to-date on the messy lives of these train wreck women.

      I’ve never even watched a Duggar show or Sister Wives but click on the articles since odds are they will be funny and worth my time (unlike watching the shows).

      Great Babs captions in this article!


  18. Not that I care really, but Lurch seems to have a major case of TMJ. Look at the swelling at his upper jawline, below the ears.

    All that racist tension I guess?


    1. Ohhh he’s got wayyy more than TMJ goin on. His gears ready to blow, literally. That’s ‘booze n pill ‘ swell..and Then he has to go and get repulsive braids to emphasize it, Grrreat thinking Swampmonster.


  19. I love that you call him Lurch! Thats my nickname for my piece of sh*t abusive father! Why does she drink all the time if she has esophagus issues? Does she collect disability for that? Hope not.. would be real criminal with all this money she is making on onlyfans. Lurch is so nasty how does she tolerate him! Yuck! 😝🤢


    1. She’s not currently getting disability. In MY opinion, all these different”ailments” and going from doctor to doctor is an attempt to find 1 who will write a letter stating she has a disability (besides liabetes) so she can apply. With all the proof of no back pain & pretty constant drinking, she’ll get denied.

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