Jenelle Evans posted a new vlog this week, regaling us with the tale of her recent vacation to the island of St. Thomas. Naturally, Jenelle brought her back-from-the-dead husband, David Eason, with her to the island paradise, and filmed the whole thing!
Grab a Natty Ice (or ten!), wipe off your neck sweat and weed-whack your bikini area so it’s OnlyFans ready, because we’re goin’ on vacation with the Easons. (And, before any of you comment, “The Ashley, don’t you have anything better to do than to write about Jenelle’s vacation?” allow me to answer the question: No…no I do not.)
Jenelle’s video kicks off in a North Carolina airport. (We can assume that Lurch threw Jenelle and their suitcases on the back of their riding lawnmower and beelined it from The Land to the airport.)
Jenelle is all suited up in “vaycay” mode. She’s even got a portable fan strapped to her neck, to help her cool down. She says she gets hotter than Kieffer‘s kitchen after a meth cookout, due to her assorted ailments and cysts, so she has purchased some sort of fan to keep the neck sweats at bay!
I think that’s nice…
Speaking of sweaty necks, Lurch is also in vaycay mode. Isn’t it great that he was able to take time off of work to finally relax?
And how convenient that he was able to time his vacation for when he was out of school?
Well, it’s nice that he and Jenelle can get away. I mean, they work so hard all year long.
“Me and David, we’re actually headin’ to St. Thomas!” Jenelle tells the camera.
Jenelle is thrilled that they’ll be flying direct to St. Thomas, and that they don’t have to stop “at Florida.”
These aer-o-planes sure are nifty, ain’t they?!
Jenelle informs us that, even though she’s on vacation, her constant medical ailments never take a day off.
Jenelle— who is still in the airport, mind you— is relieved that she is “so far not sick with my esophagus.”
We are then treated to a view of inside the plane the Easons are on. Naturally, Mr. and Mrs. Jenelle Evans are already picking out the beers they’ll be ordering via the super-cool beer orderin’ screen in front of their seats.
After what we can assume was hours upon hours of David burpin’ and fartin’ up Natty Ice, the Easons touch down in St. Thomas. Jenelle is thrilled that she “didn’t get sick” on the flight. It’s a ding-dang miracle! Thank the Baby Jesus God Leah for Natty Ice!
The Easons are greeted at the airport by a steel drum band. Naturally, though, they don’t bother listening to the local music. Instead, they beeline right to the alcohol store to purchase booze pops and mini bottles of liquor (as you do). She informs us that the mini bottles are for a future TikTok posting.
They’re busy lapping up the liquor and Jenelle tells us that she hasn’t “drank all day.” (Apparently that’s an accomplishment?)
She then remembers that she did, indeed, have a mimosa earlier in the day.
Next, they go fetch their rental car.
The video picks up with a very excited David and Jenelle explaining that they just picked up…wait for it…a 2021 BRONCO! They are so jazzed. (They do know it’s 2022 currently, right?) Obviously, there is nothing wrong with a 2021 Bronco; however, the Easons are acting like they just won the lottery. David hasn’t been this excited since it was “Wolfmen Drink Free” night down at the Guzzle Hut.
They drive to the AirBnB and it has a gorgeous view (that’s spoiled by David’s big ol’ moist head, though).
We go inside and see the bed where Jenelle and David will almost certainly exchange swampy bodily fluids later that evening.
The AirBnB also has a private pool. (Jenelle seems excited to get to swim around in a body of water and not have to worry about a snake or skeeter biting her!)
Jenelle shows us all the assorted wildlife and iguanas that are around their rental. She is absolutely amazed that the iguanas actually eat…and stuff. As soon as David appears, though, the iguana scampers the hell outta there. (He knows if he stays, it won’t be long until David will have him crisping on the stove!)
The video picks up the next morning, when the Easons are enjoying a morning drink and breakfast. They’re dining on some fancy food (no possum today, folks!) We watch as Jenelle chews with her mouth open, talking on camera the whole time.
Next, they hop is their 2021 BRONCO! and Jenelle shows off her stellar navigation skills. She fails to identify right from left multiple times and David giggles like Beavis at her inability to distinguish between the two.
They stop at a roadside stand and buy some fruit. (For some reason, David feels the need to strip his shirt off to do this. JESUS GOD LEAH.) He hauls his tropical wonders back to the 2021 BRONCO! for Jenelle to inspect.
He pulls out the first fruit and asks Jenelle to identify it. She suggests that it’s a “green eggplant.”
Next, he pulls out a mango. Jenelle literally gasps at the sight of it. He pulls out a few other fruits and Jenelle is equally amazed by all of it. (Something tells me that there aren’t many fresh fruits making their way to The Land.)
One of these fruits is a soursop. (David, naturally, pronounces it “sour-sap.”) Jenelle recognizes it because she read on some wonky Facebook post that it cures cancer…and stuff.
That brings us to Day 3. It’s morning and Jenelle is filming the view.
“You hear all the– it sounds like screaming?” she asks.
She explains why there’s been a lack of filming up until this point. It seems that the Easons met up with some “new friends” the first night and got “really drunk.” The second day, Jenelle was hungover all day, so she didn’t want to film.
Jenelle says they took a “long ass nap” after getting fruit.
“That’s the first nap I’ve had in years!” Jenelle said.
UM…?!? Sure, Jan…
Later, the Easons drive their 2021 BRONCO! to a “secret beach.” They are driving on a cliff and marveling at the view. Jenelle decides to make us gag by telling David he’s her “best view.” (I’m gagging harder than Jenelle’s esophagus on a plane, y’all!)
They continue to drive on a road that looks like it should be featured on an episode of Dateline about two dumb tourists who get slaughtered for trespassing on a private beach. (I can hear Lester Holt‘s voice now: “They were a couple from the swamps of North Carolina, looking for a good time and a place to film OnlyFans content when it all went horribly wrong…”)
Jenelle narrates the drive, telling us, “People live down here, and stuff. That’s like their driveway…and stuff.”
Meanwhile, David open-mouth coughs all over the inside of the 2021 BRONCO!
This drive is longer than David’s toenails. Jenelle’s narration makes it even more painful to watch.
Finally, though, they make it to the damn beach. Jenelle explains that there are “ruins” near where they parked, but it appears that the “ruins” are actually an old horse trough or something. (I’m surprised David didn’t hop in and “warsh” off!)
That “wershbin” must have made them feel all romantic because they stop to canoodle for a bit. David kisses Jenelle’s sweaty neck (and YOLO tattoo, of course) for the camera.
David plans to go into the water and snorkel, but Jenelle’s rump got burned up the day before so she’s going to sit the diving out today. David takes some sort of spear and heads out to the water as Jenelle tells us once again that this is a secret beach that only locals know about.
We skip to the next day. She explains that the “secret” beach wasn’t all that great. In the time since we last saw him, though, David has acquired braided pigtails and now looks like Pippi Long-Swamping. It’s terrifying.
Day 4 is spent in St. John. They put the 2021 BRONCO! on a ferry and head over to the island, which is nearby. She says they’ll be hiking, swimming and buying gifts for Marissa and “the other kids.” Even Barb will be getting a gift!
They rent a boat and David gets behind the wheel, braided hair frizz blowing in the breeze. With that, the Easons are off to terrorize the waters of St. John!
All we can hear is the sound of the high wind, but we do get to hear Jenelle say a few cringy things such as, “So…we out here! We out here!”
Jenelle gets the munchies so they pull over to the beach and have some snacks. Jenelle continues to narrate for us, pointing out a rock, the water and the boat.
They go hunting for sea turtles. Jenelle tells us later that their hunt was successful and that they did find “rilly big fish” and turtles.
They head back out on the boat, blasting their swamp tunes for the sea life to hear.
That brings us to Day 5. The Easons are forced to head home to their assorted youngins. (Thanks a lot, Kaiser!)
Back on The Land, Jenelle tells us that she had a super fun time in St. Thomas and she promises that there will be “more vlogs” coming soon.
That’s all for this recap! Click here to read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom’ recaps!
(Photos: MTV; YouTube)