Welcome back to another episode of “As The Dumpster Burns.”
Oh… I mean Teen Mom OG.
It’s once again time to check in with our girls to see what’s new in their dumpster fire lives: who’s bitchin’, who’s birthin’ and who’s maxing out her credit card ordering from International Soulmate Express.
We start off in Michigan, where Catelynn is still racking her brain trying to find a career for herself that requires little to no work, while Tyler is still trying to make Tierra Reign take over the kiddie clothing world. (I think it’s fair to file both of these things under “Never Gonna Happen.”)
Catelynn tells us she’s been making Vaeda’s baby food for SIX WHOLE MONTHS and that it’s a lot of work. (She’s probably counting the days until the baby can “indulge” in one of those 7-point quesadillas!) Since Cate now has a new passion for blending things, she decides that maybe her new career should be making baby food…or something.
Catelynn reaches out to a baby food company on social media and, all of a sudden, a “hairstylist” is at her house, giving her Shirley Temple curls to prepare her for some sort of business meeting. Soon, she’s all dolled up, looking like April on Easter!
Catelynn tells her hairstylist that she started making baby food because she was NOT OK with all the crap they put in store-bought baby food.
“There’s, like, a lot of heavy metal in it and, like, arsenic,” Catelynn reports.
She saw it “all over CNN” so she knows it’s gotta be true!
Catelynn goes on about this baby food company, as the hairstylist inserts a bored “Oh wow” and “that’s so cool” periodically.
“They’ll, like, cater, like, your baby’s food to, like, how old they are!” Cate says.
(Honestly, how much did this baby food company have to shell out to get Cate to hawk their crap on the show? Personally, The Ashley would have rather had them hire Butch as their spokesperson. He could have stood there, holding one of their offerings and said, “This stuff. It’s better than what they feed ya in prison!”
Cate tells us that (surprise, surprise!) she’s jetting off for yet another impromptu vacation, this time to New York, to meet with the non-heavy-metal baby food company. Tyler actually gets to come on this jaunt, so the kids will be bunking down at Casa de April. (So….Cate won’t feed her kids store-bought baby food but she’ll let them stay at April’s House of Nicotine? Got it.)
Next we head to Tennessee, where Maci tells us that Bentley has a girlfriend.
Sadly, though, Bentley’s relationship is short-lived. In the next scene, Maci tells Taylor that Bentley and his girlfriend have broken up. They discuss the fact that Bentley is about to enter middle school and will probably need to be talked to about girls and even (gulp) sex. (Maybe Maci can just leave itsyoursexlife.com up on the family computer and hope for the best? )
Maci decides it’s about time to embarrass her 11-year-old old son on national TV. (I mean, hey, Bentley’s dad Ryan has been doing it for years…) She tells Taylor to give him “The Talk.”
Like, the sex talk. Process that for a second. We are watching one of the kids who was born on 16 and Pregnant learn about the birds and the bees.
The Ashley will be applying for AARP if anyone needs her…
Maci assures Taylor that Bentley already knows all about hoo-has, since he was in the room when Maci delivered each Oopsie Baby, so he likely knows what a woman looks like underneath her Hanes Her Ways.
Maci says that she wants Taylor to talk to Bentley about the proper way to treat girls, and the proper way for girls to treat him. (Kid, a good rule of thumb is, if your girlfriend does basically anything that Amber Portwood has done to her soulmates over the past 10 years…dump her.)
Maci reminds us that kids who have parents who got knocked up as teens tend to get knocked up as teens (or do the knocking up) themselves. Maci says Bentley comes from a long line of people who got pregnant before prom night: her and Ryan, her own parents, etc.
Maci wants to know how interested Bentley currently is in The Sex. (While this is a good parenting idea, MUST it be done on camera? Poor Bentley will probably be so embarrassed he won’t be able to show his face at school for weeks!)
Taylor vows to ambush Bentley after he gets home from school.
Next, we head over to Indiana, where Amber is basking in that post-lie-detector glow we all get when we strap a potential soulmate to a polygraph machine and they pass. They’re back on the couch (natch), but Amber says she can feel herself “pushing away from him.”
Um…maybe it’s his big, bulging eyes? Or the fact that he speaks English worse than anyone we’ve ever seen on the ‘Teen Mom’ franchise (which, mind you, includes Leah Messer, Corey Simms and Amber herself!)
We are then treated to a stroll down Soulmate Street. They show some sweet/scary flashback clips: Gary proposing with the Wal-Mart returnable engagement ring, which is quickly followed with Amber (during her “Roseanne bangs” era) threatening to beat the beJesus out of Gary. Next up is Matt‘s diner proposal clip, followed by Amber (and her ridiculous roots) kicking Matt (and a backpack of her cash and his crusty socks) out of her house.
Then we see a clips of Andrew talking about how “rock-solid” his relationship with Amber is, and how he is considering buying her a ring. That clip is immediately followed by one of them in the car with Amber yapping at Andrew.
It’s nice to look back, isn’t it?
So there’s Amber, sitting on the couch with a completely confused Dimitri, wondering if she should make him an Official Soulmate, or just airmail him back to “Belgian” and find another dude.
One guy who’s not taking any chances? Producer David. He’s legit HIDING BEHIND A WALL, SITTING ON THE FLOOR. He knows if Ol’ Waffle Breath says one thing Ambie doesn’t like, Mother Goddess swords will be busted out and they’ll all end up on whatever bootleg Cops show Indiana currently has airing.
Producer David then begins talking to Amber about Dimitri, and both are acting like this poor guy isn’t sitting right there with a confused look on his face. Amber explains that she has told Dimitri about her mental health issues. She says she told him to be “gentle with her” (because, remember, she’s very dainty).
Amber says she tries to also be gentle with Dimitri.
We then head to California. After a second trip to the hospital, Ryder is once again back home. Cheyenne still hasn’t told Cory about Ryder’s latest VLCAD episode, but now that Cory’s time competing on The Challenge is over (shocker), he’s coming back home and Cheyenne plans to fill him in when he arrives.
Cheyenne says that while Ryder was in the hospital, Taylor tried to come visit, but Cheyenne told her not to, being that she’s pregnant and “casually shouldn’t be going to hospitals anyway.”
In an effort to do a little damage control, Cheyenne reaches out to ‘The Challenge’ producers and asks that they tell Cory what happened before giving him his phone back to prevent him from finding out about Ryder’s hospitalization online.
Expecting the worst, Cheyenne says she’s doesn’t have the energy to argue with Cory and if he wants to be upset, he can take it somewhere else.
Over in Oklahoma, Mackenzie, Josh and Jay-C are back from their trip to Florida and now Gannon, another one of Mackenzie’s rodeo rugrats, is showing signs that he needs a getaway of his own.
Mackenzie tells Josh — the almighty king of The Feelings – that Gannon has been struggling since his grandmother’s death. Mackenzie says she found Gannon crying a few times and he also had to leave a sleepover early because he was upset. Josh asks if Gannon came home because he was “feeling homesick” and can’t help but to chuckle at the idea of feeling homesick for somewhere other than Billy Bob’s.
Mackenzie tells Josh she wants Gannon to know it’s OK for him to talk to them. (And by them she means her.)
Later, Mackenzie and Josh talk more about their kids and how they’re handling everything. Mackenzie thinks Gannon is showing signs of anxiety so Josh suggests they take him to a doctor. Mackenzie doesn’t want to go that route out of fear that Gannon will be prescribed anxiety medication – something she says made her “extremely crazy and suicidal” and caused her to wreck her car.
After their chat, Mackenzie and Josh sit Gannon down and Mackenzie tells him she heard him crying on the porch recently. Gannon tells her “it was someone else.”
Mackenzie tells Gannon it’s “not embarrassing to have feelings” and he tells her, “yes it is.”
After a bit of coaxing, Gannon reveals that when he spends the night at someone’s house, he feels “uncomfortable” and worries something bad is going to happen. He ends the talk with his parents by telling him that he’s thirsty.
We head back to Tennessee, where Ryan and Mackenzie (the other one) are talking about Bentley breaking up with his girlfriend. (Apparently that’s the big gossip these days?) Ryan jokes about how emotional Bentley got about the breakup, and states that he thinks his son is “gonna be one of those guys who ‘boo-hoo’ cries” over girls, and one of the guys who keeps getting dumped by girls so they can laugh at him.
Um…what kind of evil 11-year-old girls live in Tennessee!? Are they just, like, watching JoJo Siwa videos on YouTube and plotting ways to destroy the hearts of the boys in their class? Jesus God Leah.
Across town, Taylor and Bentley are playing ping pong in the giant garage of their Mountain MTV Mansion. Taylor casually brings up Bentley’s breakup, and Bentley informs him that it was him who broke up with her, thank you very much, because she was out running her mouth. Taylor encourages him to stay single for a while, and poor Bentley looks like he’d rather be anywhere—- even Farrah‘s driveway Porta-Potty in the middle of a Texas summer— than here having this convo on camera.
Taylor encourages Bentley to be respectful to girls, but also not let them walk all over him (i.e. don’t allow them to force you into taking a lie-detector test or something…) Bentley looks like he is just dying and wants this conversation to be over.
Hey, kid! You gotta earn your keep! If they made poor Leah Shirley shave her legs for the first time on-camera, you’ve gotta put in your Very Special “growing up” moments, too! If this show gets cancelled for being too boring, your Ma and Taylor will be hawking wholesale leather-pocketed T-shirts on the side of the road!
Later, Taylor reports back to Maci that The Talk has happened.
“We’re in, like, a new, like, phase of parenting!” Taylor declares. “Like, he’s almost a teenager…and stuff…”
Producer JC asks Maci if she thinks Ryan should also talk to Bentley about this.
“Absolutely not,” she says. (I mean, to be fair, Ol’ Ry hasn’t had the best track record being respectful to women…or staying awake, so it’s probably better to let Taylor handle this one.)
Maci says she doesn’t think Ryan would be able to take “The Talk” seriously. Taylor says he can’t even think of one thing nice to say about Ryan so he’s not going to say anything. (Um…you just did, buddy!)
Maci compliments Taylor for the way he conducts himself as a man, and tells him that Bentley looks up to him because of how he treats women and people in general.
Back in California, Cory is home from ‘The Challenge.’ Taylor meets him at the airport and the two of them head to Cheyenne’s house since Ryder isn’t able to leave the house while she’s recovering. Though Ryder is still on the mend, she seems to have her priorities straight while awaiting her dad’s arrival.
After Ryder reunites with her
cash cow dad, they all sit down and Cheyenne goes into detail about Ryder’s health scare. Cory says coming home from ‘The Challenge’ and hearing this news is the “worst nightmare” but he’s relieved that Ryder is OK.
Cory thanks Cheyenne and compliments her for being able to “do it all.”
“I love doing this whole co-parenting thing with you,” he says. “You make it very easy on me and I appreciate you for that.”
Cheyenne thanks Cory for the kind words and says he ”should go away more often.”
Meanwhile, Catelynn and Tyler have flown to NYC to meet with the Little Spoon baby food people. Catelynn has her bangs all done up like a sperm for some reason, and has tied her April Easter curls into a struggle bun.
Catelynn tells Tyler that her goal is to convince these people to let her partner with them, so she can bring blended-up peas and carrots to the masses. Catelynn tells Ty how intimidating it is to have to go in front of the founders of a company and present her ideas.
Um…that’s literally exactly what Tyler did last episode with the sweatshop kiddie clothing people, Cate. Just sayin’…
Luckily, Tyler is full of killer marketing slogans, such as “Honestly, all kids have to eat!”
(I say stick with the Butch slogan I suggested, guys…)
Tyler tells Cate to tell these people she wants to be a “pioneer for their movement.”
Oh, Jesus God Leah. In two weeks, they’ll be getting her voicemail and Googling to see if she’s still alive because she won’t return their calls because it got “too overwhelming.”
The next day is the big baby food meeting, and Cate has her April Easter curls freshly wound and cascading down her back. (Did she use Butch’s lopped-off rat-tail to fill it in? How did she get so much hair all of a sudden?)
After snapping some pics for The ‘Gram to prove she was there, Cate meets with the Little Spoon founders.
They somehow all refrain from commenting on Catelynn’s ridiculous hair and makeup, and instead chat about how they can use the fame Cate has garnered from pushing a kid out of her underage hoo-ha 11 years ago. Cate slickly inserts the fact that she has “3.5 million followers,” most of whom are “maaahms.” They all agree to make a video featuring Catelynn chopping vegetables.
Or something…I don’t really know. I can’t stop staring at Catelynn’s eyeshadow during this scene so I have no clue what they said.
Back in Indiana, Amber drags Dimitri to her psychiatrist appointment. (The poor guy probably thinks that every time he gets into the car with Amber he’s about to be poked, prodded or polygraphed!)
On the drive over, Amber says that being with Dimitri is completely different than being with any of her exes.
Um…that’s probably because HE CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH and therefore can’t talk back!
“You know that I would never hurt if you hurt,” Dimitri tells Amber.
Once she gets to her appointment, Amber tells her psychiatrist all about how she made Dimitri take a lie-detector test and how he passed it. (This poor doctor has to sit there and act like this is all totally normal, of course.) Amber says she’s afraid that her relationship with Dimitri will turn out like the other ones.
Well…probably stop hitting them and screaming horrible things at them whenever they tick you off. That will change a lot of stuff…
The doctor determines that Amber growing up with an alcoholic father has a lot to do with her being horrible as an adult.
Well, you know, that and the macheting and the stair-kicking and whatnot…
That’s all kids! Until next time…keep your baby’s food free of heavy metal…oh, and emo music. Everyone hates that crap…
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!