Howdy folks! It’s time to pop on down to the swamp and see what’s going on at Jenelle Evans and David Eason’s lil piece of heaven, The Land— where the only thing that has more mildew than the pool is David’s feet…probably.
Jenelle posted a new YouTube vlog recently, giving us a behind-the-scenes look at how she makes coffee, slops down a crap-ton of food at a restaurant and goes downtown with her beloved David…all with various fart jokes and burps in between. It’s absolutely riveting content!
She kicks things off by apologizing for it being so long since her last video offering. Guys, come on. She has a lot to do these days, what with working, I mean going to school I mean filming all those Netflix and Amazon shows I mean showing off her naughty bits for weirdos on the Interwebs with a hillbilly kink.
Anyway, Jenelle’s bothered that her mother, Barbara keeps calling her while she’s “busy” filming this vlog.
“I’ve got s**t to do!” Jenelle insists…before doing literally nothing.
Jenelle says she is a burnout feeling burnt out lately. She is excited, though, because she just got a new vlogging camera (which was certainly bought with the money she earned showing off her “nekkid” furburger on the OnlyFans.) Jenelle marvels at how easy the camera makes it to film things.
“It’s great, I don’t have to do no work!” Jenelle says.
Honestly, that should just be the tagline for Jenelle’s life at this point.
Jenelle is also excited because she is planning to go on a “honeymoon trip” with David…five years of marriage (and dozens of 911 calls) later. (That “furburger” money is being spread thin…pun very much intended.) Of course, Jenelle and David just went on a trip to St. Thomas, where they spent several days open-mouth-coughing themselves across the island.
While Jenelle doesn’t know exactly where she and her wooly-mammoth-like baby daddy will be galivanting off to this time, she assures us that she’ll be vlogging and taking “pitchers” for us the whole time! Pheeew!
Jenelle, still in her shed, shows off all the snacks in the background. (#Munchies) She proudly announces that she got a bunch of snacks and a new mini-fridge for her shed. That’s some high-falutin’ livin’ up ‘er on The Land, folks.
Jenelle explains that the “purpose” of this vlog is to show fans what she does when her youngins aren’t home.
Once she deposits her assortment of illegitimate offspring at school, she heads back to The Land to make herself some coffee. We are forced to watch Jenelle rummage through her coffee K-cup pods like a racoon scavenging the trashcans. Finally she finds one that David hasn’t licked and pops it in her coffeemaker.
Jenelle then talks about the scene she filmed for ‘Teen Mom: The Next Chapter’ where she, in a period before OnlyFans when she was struggling financially— called out David for being a useless glob of beard hair and anger who refused to get a job and/or take care of their kids.
“Of course, MTV is going to try to hype it up, that’s a given!” Jenelle declares.
In between, we get to watch Jenelle partake in such riveting activities such as ordering Subway for her kids (because she didn’t pack them a lunch and apparently didn’t have time to stop at the gas station for day-old wieners and jerky to shove into their lunchboxes.)
We also get to watch her sing a Spice Girls song. (Honestly, the excitement contained in this vlog is second only to that weird episode of Jenelle’s failed podcast in which David gets on the horn and burps and mumbles for about an hour.)
As Jenelle is ordering her kids’ subs, we hear a familiar mouth-breathe, which means David has arrived. He has a new dog with him (JESUS GOD LEAH!) and David introduces him as “da puppy.” He’s an Irish Doodle without a name. The puppy looks terrified (rightfully so) being in David’s arms. David, meanwhile, has suddenly become the Cesar Millan of the swamplands, portraying himself as a doting dog owner and animal lover.
Jenelle drifts back to the Subway order. She says if she doesn’t set an alarm on her phone, she’ll forget to get something to feed the kids.
Jenelle, the absolute epitome of health, then changes the subject back to her coffee. She informs us that she no longer uses sugar or coffee creamer because they are “really bad for you.” (Somewhere in the distance we hear David crack open a Natty Ice beer…probably.)
Jenelle warns us of the dangers of using vegetable oil “while cookin’”…before immediately discussing the super neat vape pen she had while at Briana’s party.
But the vegetable oil, guys!
Jenelle then addresses the clip of her at Briana’s party. She reads comments about it on TikTok, and reveals that she did not get paid to be at Briana’s party or to film the scene she was in. (The Ashley told you this a few months back, if you’ll remember…)
“I’m not desperate for money, I’m not broke,” Jenelle says slyly. “I’m doing juuuuust fine.”
Jenelle tells us that, oftentimes, she goes on TikTok for a few minutes (or hours) and reads comments about herself.
She then has to address all the TikTok comments about the scene in which she bashes David for being jobless.
“I wasn’t in a good place financially. I wasn’t struggling but I wish I was doing better, Jan Jenelle says.
She says it was hard to be doing all the work (de-molding eyebrow kits, hocking period panties online, etc.) while David was a “stay at home dad” (who didn’t “dad”).
Jenelle says that she was honest about the marital issues she was having with David at the time of Briana’s party in May. She claims that it was just “financial” issues coming in between her and David. (The “issue” being that David had no “financials,” of course.)
Now that her penis fly trap “pitchers” are selling like hot cakes on OnlyFans, though, things are much better!
“We’ve been much happier in our marriage because he has a source of income and I have a source of income,” Jenelle says. (She does not, however, reveal what David’s new “source of income” is, though.)
Jenelle— who really is the Dali Lama of Love— then proceeds to give out some marriage advice.
“Things like this in marriage come up and you have to be strong and get over it,” she explains.
She says people should not let “little things” (like their husbands refusing to get a job for the past eight or so years) get in the way of their marital happiness….and stuff.
Next, Jenelle says she and David will be going into The Big City to do some errands. She has to pay some bills, return some Amazon crap and sign some papers.
“I have a lot of adult things that I’ve been putting to the side lately!” Jenelle says. “I can’t put it off anymore.”
Jenelle says David also has a “doc’r” appointment to go to in the City. She says their usual trip into the city includes a stop at a restaurant (probably to Gus’ Grisel & Gut to gouge themselves on fried food) before picking up the kids.
“Oh my God, we sound so lazy,” cackles Jenelle.
Jenelle says she’s still “working from home” and is “doing absolutely fantastic, actually.” (She clarifies that by “working” she means she’s still showing off her cooter and tooter on The Interwebs.)
She then starts telling jokes. Her first joke is when she says that David is also making a bunch of money on his OnlyFans account.
“We’re both doing really well financially! I wouldn’t trade it for the world!” she says before releasing a creepy, Barb-like cackle that sends a shiver up my spine.
Jenelle says that she has more time than ever to take “pitchers” of her guy-gobbler.
Since it’s time to go to The Big City and do “adult stuff,” Jenelle contemplates actually changing out of the shirt and sweats she slept in.
After Jenelle manages to find a tank top that doesn’t smell (too much) like hot dog water, they hop in the truck to go “adult.” (Jenelle’s shirt does have a bunch of stains on it, which she is kind enough to point out to us. She continues to wear the pants she slept in, of course.)
Once our heroes arrive in The Big City, they go to a coffee place. Jenelle goes inside.
(We can assume David stayed outside, dancing for change, which is most likely what Jenelle was referring to when she talked about his “source of income.”)
Inside, Jenelle covers her boobs because it’s cold and she didn’t put on a bra. (I guess her hooter holsters were still needing to be hosed down?)
She fetches some drinks for her and David (Surely all that dancing has made him thirsty!)
Next, they head to a restaurant.
“This is what happens. We say we’re goin’ to pay bills and we go ‘n’ eat somewhere!” Jenelle laughs.
David— who has braided pigtails that make him look like some weird hybrid of the Swiss Miss Girl and Bigfoot— grunts how hungry he is. Luckily, Jenelle’s OnlyFans money has come in so she can afford to pay the tab for whatever fried items David shoves down his gullet.
Jenelle shows us the menu (and the prices—to make sure we know she is doing juuuuust fine financially).
Naturally, no stop at a restaurant at 11 a.m. would be complete without cocktails!
“I got strawberry lemonade— spiked of course!” Jenelle says.
Jenelle comments about how “quiet” it is in the bar they’re at. (UM…yeah. Because normal people are working, not drinking, at this time of the morning.)
Jenelle—quite the foodie— attempts to shovel in oysters but doesn’t like them. (I’ll bet Jenelle shoved a few oysters in her sweatpants pocket to use for OnlyFans content later that night, though.)
We watch them shovel gallons and gallons of food into their faces, as David narrates.
“These Brussel sprouts smell like a fart!” he proclaims.
After they’re finally done eating, Jenelle and David head to the bank to “adult.” She says that she has to go down to the ding-dang bank to pay her car payment instead of paying it online because she was late paying “too many times.” Now, the bank insists Jenelle bring her sweatpants-covered behind down there to give them some money in-person.
Next, she tells us she needs to pay “someone else.” She won’t reveal who this “someone else” is. Could it be David’s ex, who wants her child support money? Maybe it’s Barb, who Jenelle has to pay child support to?
Luckily, Jenelle can pay the mystery person on her phone and doesn’t have to drag her body anywhere. They have to hurry because David has his “doc’r” appointment very soon.
The camera shuts down there, and we pick up after David’s “doc’r” appointment and after they’ve fetched the kids from school. Naturally, Jenelle is exhausted from her activities of the day which included reading TikTok comments, stuffing her face, guzzling cocktails and driving through the bank.
To relax after such a hard day, Jenelle draws herself a bath. (It is unknown if she will throw all of her dirty clothes in the bathtub with her, to clean everything all at once!)
“Now I’m burnt out, my head hurts!” Jenelle tells us.
With that, Jenelle signs off, promising us more riveting content later.
That’s all for this vlog! Until next time, folks!
(Photos: YouTube; MTV)