It’s been a few weeks since we last checked in with Kody and his gang of wayward wives, so let’s head on over to Flagstaff to see who’s miserable, who’s crying and who seriously needs to put down the Wet ‘n’ Wild eyeliner pencil down.
It’s Robyn, by the way. It’s Robyn for all of those things…
This episode kicks off with a recap of the holidays, which were anything but happy for The Curled One, his wife Robyn and poor hapless hang-on Meri, who all “celebrated” together, away from Christine, Janelle and their kids who are being shunned by Kody. Christine— who, lemme tell you, really doesn’t get a flying f**k this episode and does not hold back— and Janelle met up with the shunned Kody offspring for some post-Christmas cheer, sans Kody & the Kleenex Krew.
We next head to Janelle’s apartment, where she and Savannah are waiting for Christine to come over to deliver a giant beanbag (as you do). Janelle is still reeling from her huge fight with Kody weeks ago, and is not sure where their marriage stands currently. Janelle is looking around her sad, small apartment and reminiscing about old times— back when she had a bigger kitchen and a better husband (or, at least, a better version of her husband than the egotistical goblin that Kody’s turned into.)
All of a sudden, here comes Christine, rolling a bean bag the size of Coyote Pass up Janelle’s driveway. Christine is more than happy to ditch the bag, given that she’s already ditched the hag (aka Kody) whom she bought it with.
Janelle and Christine carry the heavy bean bag inside with little issue. (Hey, they’re used to carrying things: they have been carrying the whole damn family and this show for YEARS!)
Janelle tells us how much her friendship with Christine has improved since Christine ditched Kody, and they no longer have to COVID test, wrap themselves in bleach-soaked plastic suits and get the A-OK from Robyn before hanging out.
Christine proposes that Janelle pack up the contents of her small apartment, throw caution (and Kody!) to the wind and move to Utah and live next door to her! Janelle entertains the idea, but tells Christine that Kody & Co. still have their claws in her for a bit, at least until Savannah graduates and Janelle can decide if she wants to get herself out of the grips of Mr. and Mrs. Brown.
The conversation turns to Christmas and Christine explains that Kody didn’t see
his Janelle’s sons because of the fight they’d had. She reveals that, for some reason, Kody also neglected to see Savannah, who— other than sharing the same DNA with Janelle and her brothers– did nothing wrong.
Kody did not call Savannah on Christmas or even send her a present.
Savannah reveals that Kody hasn’t called her since the beginning of December, and it’s now mid-January!
Christine is infuriated and doesn’t hold back when expressing her disdain for Kody and his neglectful and just downright sad parenting.
As Kody tells it, though, he is the victim of rotten Janelle and Christine, who have banded together against him (and his beloved Robyn) to turn all of his kids against him!
“They kicked me out of my home!” Kody says. “They’ve separated me from my children!”
Kody insists that he doesn’t have the “emotional fortitude” to reach out to his kids…even the ones he’s not feuding with.
“The phone goes both ways! The kids can always call me!” he adds.
He insists he’ll “eventually” reach out to Savannah and “bring her Christmas” but it’s gonna be late and, oh well, who even knew there was a “Savannah” anyway, right?!
Janelle and Christine are both angry that Kody— the same man that bought all of his and Robyn’s kids pricey motorized bikes for Christmas— got Savannah nothing.
Savannah admits that Kody’s neglect has made her both sad and mad.
Thankfully, Christine is now in her “Tell All Y’all” Era and rips Kody a new one. She holds back in the moment because of Savannah but details her disgust with her ex for the cameras.
“I don’t care if he’s mad! When you’re a dad, you’re a dad, and you step up!” she says, before adding that she hates to see Janelle still stuck on the Kody-and-Robyn misery carousel.
“Is he gonna leave everybody but Robyn?” Christine asks.
Yes. The answer is yes, Christine.
Meanwhile, Robyn visits Meri at her lonely bell tower to chat about how awful their Christmas was and how it’s all that dern Christine‘s fault!
Naturally, Meri and Robyn have to sit outside (COVID, you know?) and freeze their polygy patooties off during this conversation. Robyn tells Meri that “Christmas was tragic” for HER.
Not for poor giftless and fatherless Savannah.
Not for poor Meri, who has been relegated to a background elf with nether regions frostier than the North Pole.
Robyn insists she wanted all the kids—even those COVID-cootie-covered sons of Kody’s— at her house for Christmas. However, she was afraid a fight would break out. (Someone could have gotten hurt! Seven-year-old Ariella could have had her PACIFIER knocked out of her mouth!)
Robyn blubbers on to Meri about how upset she is by this whole thing, and how she didn’t have a say in what happened because it was all Kody.
“I didn’t get to decide,” Robyn says sadly.
Next, Kody talks about the state of his “relationship” with Meri. He describes her like she’s an old houseplant in the corner of the garden. He basically says she’s nice enough, but she doesn’t really matter to him at all.
“I visit her every once in a while,” he says dryly.
The fact that Robyn can’t make Christine and Kody get back together and live in unhappy matrimony absolutely irks her. Like, she can’t stand that she has no control over their relationship (anymore). Robyn tells Meri she just doesn’t “understand” why those wacky lovebirds just don’t get back together….even though they hate each other.
“Unless there’s a rill dill breaker going on, they can still figure that out!” she wails.
Meri’s like, “Um, girl, that ship has sailed. Christine’s gone…”
Robyn quizzes Meri about the “Olden Days” before Robyn and her kids and her empty tissue boxes arrived in Brown Town. Meri says that, sure, there were issues within the family, but things were good because everyone wanted to make it work to raise the kids in a plural family.
Even Christine admits they loved the dynamics of their family…before The Big R showed up, of course.
“Where did it go!?” Robyn wails about Kody’s desire to be with his wives. “All the interest and effort!?
Meri and Robyn confess to each other that they secretly used to keep track of how much time Kody spent with the other wives.
Um…? This was a secret? If I were one of the Sister Wives, I would have installed a scoreboard in the middle of the Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams that showed how many nights Kody had shacked up with each wife each month.
Robyn complains about how for one month she didn’t get much time with Kody because he spent a month with Christine. One month Robyn had to live like a Sister Wife.
“My kids struggled!” Robyn wails. (I’m kind of shocked she didn’t whip out a boombox playing “In the Arms of the Angels” by Sarah McLachlan to get Meri— the woman who Kody has completely discarded— to feel more sympathy for her.)
Christine tells us, “Um, yeah no.”
She insists Robyn always knew Kody was giving her and her kids way more time than any other wife and family.
“I’m not going to trust someone who says they want a family but only wants Kody at their house,” Christine says. “That’s not a family, that’s monogamy.”
Back at Janelle’s apartment, Janelle tells Christine that she isn’t sure what’s going to happen to her “marriage” to Kody, but she knows she’s not going back to playing second (or third or fourth) fiddle to Robyn. She’s tired of her kids being treated less than Robyn’s kids in regard to Kody’s time and resources.
“Over the years, I kind of coasted over the things that were problematic for me,” Janelle tells us.
Kody, of course, insists he’s only been giving Robyn extra pickle tickles since Covid, and before that, he was “regular” with his schedule with “The Others.”
Janelle says she’d be open to polygamy in the future– should things with Top Ramen Head go even further south. It blows Christine away that Janelle would still want to share a husband, but she’s like, hey whatever floats your boat.
Janelle says that she’s tired of Kody telling her that she can only get in his pants if she sucks up to Robyn. She tells Christine that, if one of Kody’s conditions of them getting “back together” is that Janelle has to treat Robyn better, she’s out.
Janelle tells us about a time where she and Robyn bonded over the fact that neither of them wanted Kody to buy a house for Robyn in Flagstaff years ago. Kody threw everything Janelle said to Robyn back in her face, making Janelle realize that Robyn had “tattled” on her to Kody.
After that, Janelle knew she couldn’t trust Robyn.
Christine keeps calling it like it is. She reminds us that Meri had a great relationship with Robyn for years, yet Kody only called her out of her lonely bell tower on special occasions, such as when he wanted a Rice Krispies Treat turkey.
“Yeah, he’s full of s**t!” Christine says.
Ba da ba ba ba…I’m lovin’ it!
Back on Meri’s sad porch, Robyn has gone totally “Dorothy-Just-Returned-From-Oz.” She launches into a speech, telling us there’s no place like home when you have a happy, unified family. (She is really bothered that Christine and Janelle and their kids celebrated the holidays without her.)
“I don’t care how many presents you get or how many fancy houses you rent!” Robyn wails. “It’s a CHEAP version of our family!”
Meri can’t keep from rolling her eyes while listening to Robyn’s tantrum.
“I need a reason why my family got blown to smithereens!” Robyn tells us.
Days later, Christine heads to Mykelti‘s house with Aspyn to plan her 50th birthday party. Christine tells us how much she loves living so close to her daughters. She also loves that she is now able to throw a birthday party for herself and not be obligated to invite Kody, Robyn and their faithful old dog Meri.
We then get a surprising clip from Meri, who is driving to her bed and breakfast. She tells us that’s she is “ready to make some changes.”
Looks like your days of Rice Krispies Treats are limited, Kody!
Meri reveals that she is going to be moving to her B&B in Southern Utah and leaving Polygville behind.
Meri knows that 99 percent of the family doesn’t care where she lives. (Hell, most of them probably aren’t even aware that Meri is even still in Flagstaff, toiling away in her bell tower, waiting for the day that Kody realizes he loves her.)
Meri knows that the only person who will care that she’s leaving is Robyn. She legit says that she knows Kody isn’t going to “give a flying rat’s ass” that she’s peacing out of Flagstaff. Still, she wants to have a convo with him before she officially leaves.
Christine lays it all out there for us, saying that Kody’s treatment of Meri all these years has been cruel and mean, and, had she not dumped him, Christine knows he would have done the same thing to her.
That’s all for this episode of ‘Sister Wives!’
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