Get ready for more manufactured drama because it’s time for Kendra On Top! It’s getting late into the season, which means Kendra & Co. are going to have to dig deep in order to come up with enough fake problems to glide them into another season of this crap.
Whenever there’s a lack of drama on reality TV, there’s one plot line people can always fall back on to deliver at least a scene’s worth of content: a pregnancy scare!
We start out with Kendra’s husband Hank finding a positive pregnancy test on the coffee table. (Um…does anyone else find it kind of gross that a pee-soaked Clearblue Easy was just chillin’ on the coffee table?!)
Hank is confused so he confronts Kendra about the pregnancy test. (The cameras just happen to be there to capture the moment, of course.)
“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Kendra says.
She is, of course, playing coy so she can create the perfect sound bite for them to drop in the trailer for this episode. Once she’s dragged the suspense out as long as possible, she explains that it’s really her BFF Jessica who is pregnant. (Apparently Jessica just came over to tell Kendra…and drop her pee stick off for safekeeping?)
Hank is relieved that Kendra’s not sperminated, but he admits that he was almost hoping she was knocked up, because that would mean she wouldn’t be able to move to Vegas to do her stupid play.
Kendra doesn’t understand why Hank and the kids aren’t thrilled to just drop everything in their lives for four months to move to Vegas so she can perform in “Sex Tips for a Straight Woman from a Gay Man.”
Kendra feels it’d be a win-win to have Hank and the kids there with her. She can perform in her “life-changing” play, and still see the kids long enough to give them a kiss goodnight before heading back into the Vegas night to dance on tables and do Irish Car Bomb shots and whatnot.
Hank isn’t down with that plan, though. He says he has to “work.” (We still aren’t sure what this alleged “work” is. All we’ve really ever seen Hank do is play video games and complain about Kendra.)
Hank tells Kendra that if she’s in Vegas, all the hard work of raising the kids (i.e. paying the nanny) and keeping the house (i.e. letting the maid in) will fall on him.
“Deal with it!” Kendra tells him.
Hank can’t believe that Kendra is being so selfish. Um…have you just met her, dude? This is basically business as usual.
Next, Kendra goes to meet with her manager to discuss the play. She says she’s nervous to be on stage…with her clothes on, that is.
“I have never stepped on a stage…I mean…I have when I was a stripper, but that’s it,” she exclaims. “Let’s just be honest, my career has been based on being Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend, my big boobs and being on a bunch of reality shows,” she says.
Well, at least she’s honest!
Kendra’s manager agrees that Kendra has no real talent, other than somehow convincing WEtv to continue with this ridiculous reality show every year. The manager also informs Kendra that Patti has been in contact with a publisher about writing a tell-all book. Kendra says she didn’t know Patti had met with the publisher…and she’s mad.
Kendra heads over to Patti’s house, camera crew in tow. On the highway, she calls Hank to tell him the news. Kendra is in tears and Hank is extremely angry.
“This is not okay,” Kendra yells. “She can’t do this!”
How dare Patti not tell her about the book on-camera! That could have provided enough content to fill an entire episode!
Hank says he’s not actually surprised by Patti’s snake-like behavior.
“Our front door is shut, if she’s gonna try to get back in…nuh-uh,” he declares.
When Kendra arrives at Patti’s house, Patti answers the door and says, “Hi Honey.”
Kendra answers that with, “Are you writing a f**king book?”
Well, then…so much for small talk!
“I thought I could f**king trust you,” Kendra yells at her mother.
Patti insists that Kendra can trust her…provided no one is paying Patti for info.
“I did meet with the book publisher,” Patti admits. “A New York book publisher called me out of the blue. She heard, I don’t know how, that I was writing a book. I haven’t signed any papers. I haven’t committed to anything. I innocently met with this book publisher.”
Patti also says it’s only fair that she gets to write a book since Kendra wrote two books.
“In your first book, I was the greatest thing since sliced bread,” Patti says. “In the second book, you completely trashed me which hurt me badly.”
Patti also claims that the book isn’t a tell-all and it’s not to talk badly about Kendra or Hank. Kendra says she’s also worried about how the book will affect her father, GrandDude.
Colin and Patti don’t give a heck about GrandDude or his feelings.
“The truth hurts,” Patti yells.
“If you write this book, you will never see your grandkids again!” Kendra yells back. “When my dad left it hurt and I never want to feel that way again. So, if my mom uses this book against him and scares him away I will never forgive her.”
To be fair, it won’t take Patti writing a book to scare anyone away…one look at her face outta do it!
Kendra also says she doesn’t trust Patti now.
“I just want my mother back. But her writing a book makes me feel like she just doesn’t want me back, she wants to write a book about having me back,” Kendra says. “It feels fake. It’s reading to me like she wants her daughter back plus money plus fame.”
Um….isn’t that the whole point of you people being on this stupid show?
Kendra gives Patti an ultimatum and tells her that she can either “have her family back or write the book.”
Kendra returns home and goes on a hike with her trusty pregnant pal Jessica to discuss all of the drama. (And by ‘hike,’ we mean slow amble through the woods while holding sunglasses and cell phones. And by ‘drama’ we mean manufactured ridiculousness.)
Meanwhile, Patti continues to try and decide if she should write the tell-all. She meets one of her 20-something friends at a café to discuss it. (Can the production company not find her some age-appropriate friends? Are these people actually just production assistants pretending to be random friends of Patti’s or something?)
While at the café, Patti’s publisher “just happens” to call about the book. The publisher tells Patti that it is probably time for her to confront Hank. This lady is really trying to get the dirt.
Back in LA, Kendra is meeting with an acting coach to try and improve her horrible acting skills before she starts the play. The acting coach tells her she’s making progress. Unlike Kendra, he is a good actor, since he was able to say that with a straight face.
Kendra is absolutely terrible. We haven’t seen her fail so incredibly bad, entertainment-wise, since the Alien Music Video Fiasco of 2016.
Meanwhile, Patti is on her way to LA to ambush Hank.
Hank is casually making himself a PB&J when he gets a call that Patti (and her broom) have landed at their complex’s front gate.
“Why in the hell is Patti just showing up at our front gate?” Hank demands. “I don’t know what game Patti is playing but if I don’t let her in that’s just another strike against me that she is going to write about in her book. If I let her in, that’s going to be a big fight and that’s something else for her to write in her book. At the end of the day, I’m screwed no matter what.”
The episode ends before we get to see the confrontation. We can hardly…stand…the…suspense. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Hank allows his monster-in-law into their house!
Until then, catch up on our other ‘Kendra On Top’ recaps by clicking here!