Gather ’round kiddies! It’s time for another episode of Teen Mom OG!
This is a Very Special Episode because we’ve got people strappin’ potential soulmates to machines, Oopsie Babies being born and crushed velvet kiddie pants to hawk!
Let’s settle in and get started, shall we?
We kick things off this week in Oklahoma, where Mackenzie has figured out a way to combine making that cash-money teaching Jazzercise and celebrating her female spawn’s birthday. Someone in Florida hired Mack to come show them how to Sweat to the Oldies, so she decides to bring
Jacksy er… Jaxxie… um.. Jacksie? her female kid along on the trip.
Mack explains to the kid that this trip isn’t actually for her birthday. It’s a “business trip,” but she is shelling out for an extra night at the Best Western in order to take Jacksxxiye to the beach.
“There’s sand, and water and…and…beaches,” Mackenzie explains.
Jaxxxi is not happy with just sinking her toes in the sand, though. She must have seen previous vacation episodes of ‘Teen Mom OG’ because she tells her mom she wants to make like April Baltierra and “swim with dolphins.” Mack looks to where the producer is probably standing, almost as if she’s trying to see if she can squeeze a dolphin excursion out of whoever is in charge of her segments’ budget.
Her youngest spawn Bronxxxxcs is sad that he isn’t invited on the sand-walking, possible-dolphin-swimming adventure. We later learn that Mack’s grumble-by-number husband, Josh, will also be going on the trip. (Hopefully they don’t have a Billy Bob’s bar in Florida!)
She tells her exotically named pal, Thalia, that she still resents Josh for boinking that rodeo broad, but Thalia says that Mack doesn’t actually resent Josh for cheating, and she’s actually just taking out her grief about her mom’s death on Josh.
Um…no. He boinked some bar bimbo and then lied about it for a long time…on camera. I think she’s pretty justified to be mad at ol’ Mumbles.
Next, we head up to Michigan to peek in on Catelynn. She is still trying to figure out what “career” she’s going to pretend to pursue before dropping out early. However, Cate says she’s really focused on being a “mahhm” right now, since Vaeda is so young (and you know Cate is about to get knocked up with another baby girl any day now). She dumps the kid into her crib and tells us that, this week, it’s Tyler‘s turn to talk about his career failures.
Yes, kids…it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Tyler is relaunching his kiddie clothing line, Tierra Reign! Now, a dozen or so kids can have the fringed tank tops and harem pants they’ve always dreamed of. (Honestly, I think Ty should scrap all of his weird velvet designs and whatnot and just sell those “Free Butch” onesies. He’d make way more money. And, if he adds a baby tee that says “I made my Mommy get a therapy pig,” he’d be rollin’ in that kiddie klothing kash!)
Cate explains that taking over the kiddie clothing empire is Tyler’s “dream.” However, much like everything these two do, the company became “too much” for him to deal with while they were separated and he had to take a “break” from it.
Ty is set to go to Detroit for a meeting with a sewing company. He tells Cate that he plans to push some of the responsibilities– like running the company and managing the website– on them. He’s surprised to find out that the folks in Michigan aren’t keen on slave labor and— wtf?— they actually want to be paid for their work! Catelynn offers to do the “customer service” part of the company, “like answering emails…EVERY DAY!”
Ty knows that Catelynn’s work ethic is about as good as her hair hygiene so he quickly dismisses the idea of her helping out.
“I want someone on-call, 24/7!” he tells her.
THIS IS A KIDDIE CLOTHING LINE, GUYS. THIS IS IMPORTANT. THERE IS NO TIME FOR ANYONE ON STAFF TO SLEEP WHEN CRUSHED VELVET BABY LEGGINGS NEED TO BE SOLD!
Catelynn is unhappy that Tyler doesn’t think she could be a dedicated customer service rep for the company. I mean, she is willing to check company emails TWICE.A.DAY. Tyler stumbles and grumbles to avoid telling Catelynn that sucks at following through with literally anything and everything. (Poor Carly is probably still waiting for her damn scrapbook.)
He finally admits that he would never hire Catelynn. Luckily she has that whole “vet tech” career to fall back on.
Next, we head to Indiana to check up on Amber. She’s upset because “the press” leaked the news about her Belgian boytoy, Dimitri, and she’s unsure if he was the one who leaked it.
Naturally, because Ambie can’t handle even the slightest crisis without calling in her “Dad-Bod” life coach, Gary, she asks him to come over to give her some advice. Gary obliges and is soon settling into a living room chair, looking disappointed that he didn’t think to order an extra Lazy Boy recliner to keep at Amber’s house.
Amber informs Gary that it was the European media that broke the news about Dimitri, which worried her because Dimitri is European…at least she thinks Belgium is in Europe…
“People are poppin’ up out of nowhere and you don’t know who they are!” Amber says.
Um…that’s what Dimitri basically did and you MOVED HIM INTO YOUR HOUSE FOR THREE MONTHS.
Amber says she desperate to find an honest guy. (Him speaking English is apparently not a requirement.) So, she’s decided to strap her Belgian Waffle to Ye Olde Trusty Lie Detector Test.
‘Teen Mom’ fans will remember that Ambie used the lie-detector test on her former soulmate Matt. (Hopefully she doesn’t make Dimitri use the same polygraph machine that Matt did. There’s probably still pit stains on the cuff!)
Amber explains that, because she’s so famous, men tend to latch on to her (and her backpacks ‘o’ cash), so she has to use real care when selecting a mail-order soulmate these days!
We are then treated to a flashback clip of Amber (in her Forever Haute Spandex suit and bleach blond trash topknot, mind you) confronting Matt after his failed lie-detector test. Amber is being held back by security as she screams that Matt is a “motherf**king bitch” and “trash!”
Just then, almost on cue, a garbage truck pulls around the corner.
(Kudos to the editors for finding a way to work this scene back into an episode. I feel like that was a little treat put in there just for The Ashley…)
Amber smiles proudly as she remembers the trash heap that is her discarded soulmates.
Gary asks Amber what will happen if Dimitri’s answers reveal that he is not there for the right reasons.
Amber vows to place a stamp on Dimitri and mail him right back to where he came from: France! I mean…Europe…. I mean…Belgium?
Meanwhile, in Tennessee, Mackenzie is due to expel The Spawn ‘o’ Ryan from her hooter any day now, so Maci and Taylor are
forcing letting Bentley spend more time with them.
While Bentley is away and the McKinney Oopsie Babies are off napping on piles of leather pocket T-shirts (we assume), Maci and Taylor hang out in the kids’ playroom and show off their math skills by talking about Bentley’s increasing number of siblings.
“He went from being an only child to three brothers, about to have a second sister,” Maci says.
“Ryan and Mackenzie, too… that puts them at four [kids],” Taylor adds.
After all that mathin’ and whatnot, Maci reminds Taylor that babies require being put in and being taken out of car seats, as well as lots of diaper changes, which she says confirms that she made the right decision to clog up her Oopsie Baby Chute with birth control for the time being.
Later on, Ryan and Mack’s daughter, Stella, is born. Bentley is with Jen and Larry so he gets to be one of the first people to meet her.
Later at Jen and Larry’s house, Bentley is “wraastlin'” with his baby brother Jagger, as Jen and Larry talk about Mackenzie’s hooter dilation and whatnot. After he basically body-slams the baby, Jen tells Bentley it’s going to be his job to “keep everybody together, all your brothers and sisters.”
Then, for the second time this episode, grown adults struggle to count to a single-digit number when discussing Bentley and his siblings.
“How many of you,” Jen asks. “Five? Six, countin’ you?”
Jen and Larry ask Bentley who he thinks Stella looks like and Bentley says she looks like Ryan. (Soooo…Baby Stella has bulging eyes and gray hair?)
Jen says Ryan apparently thinks his daughter looks like his Grandma Barbara, who is known for taking her teeth out and scaring people.
Never change, Ryan. (You either, Grandma Barbara!)
Meanwhile in California, Cory has been off filming The Challenge for about a month and is finally able to call in and check on his family. During his video call, Cheyenne explains to Ryder that her dad is “at work” and Ryder fires back by saying, if her dad is “working” than she’s a superhero.
Later that night, Ryder has to be taken to the hospital after she suffers a reaction related to her genetic condition, VLCAD. Cheyenne says the doctors are keeping Ryder overnight to give her fluids and make sure she’s OK before they allow her to go back home.
While in the hospital, Ryder is placed in isolation and only allowed one visitor, leaving Cheyenne to hold things down on her own, but fortunately, she’s still able to video chat with family.
Once Ryder is home, Cheyenne tells her sister she’s relived to be out of the hospital, but slightly traumatized after seeing Ryder suffer. Cheyenne says in the hospital, she told Ryder’s doctors that she would only tell Cory what was going on if things got serious and he needed to be there. Her sister, R. You Cool With Me Dad Shaming Cory Anyway?, tells Cheyenne she’s proud of her for handling such a tough situation.
The next day, Cheyenne reveals Ryder is back in the hospital because she again couldn’t keep her food down. She says Cory is still competing and doesn’t know what’s going on. Cheyenne doesn’t know if she’s making the right decision by not telling him. She says she doesn’t want to mess with Cory’s head while he’s competing, but it would also be nice to have his support at the moment.
Meanwhile, Josh and Mackenzie and Jaxcksy have arrived in Florida, and Mack is determined to make the kid’s birthday extra special— in between teaching aerobics and fighting with Josh, of course. Mack is wearing some very Farrah-esque eyelashes for some reason (maybe to compete with the Florida-dwelling Billy Bob hoes?) Jacksyyyy keeps looking at her strangely, trying to figure out what’s on her eyes.
The next day, they all head to the aquarium, where Jaxie gets to feed the dolphins (but not ride ’em a la April). Jaxiiiiiiiiii tells her parents how much she enjoys being with them together, especially when they’re not screaming and/or crying.
The following day, it’s time for Mack to suit up in her Spandex and teach her “Body by Mack” Jazzercise class. She tells the rag-tag eight-or-so people who have assembled on the beach that they will be doing some “hard-io cardio” (seriously), and then they proceed to do some weird Richard Simmons-esque/Tae-bo moves, while throwing in some lackluster kicks and punches for the hell of it. It looks like one of Jenelle‘s TikTok videos.
After Mack deems the Sweatin’ to the Oldies class a success, she heads to the beach with Josh and Jakkkksi to unwind. They talk about the trip, and Josh manages to grunt out that he felt the trip was “good.” They vow to try to enjoy each other more once they get back to Oklahoma.
Back in Michigan, Tyler is in Detroit for his sewing company meeting. He’s shocked to see the three sewing company employees are ready and waiting at the meeting time. (Usually, he has to wait for Catelynn to slick over her hair, find her zebra hoodie and down a seven-point quesadilla whenever they’re supposed to go somewhere at a certain time.)
Santa Tyler has brought a bushel of Tierra Reign goodies with him. Fringed tie-dyed shirts and velvet overalls for everyone!
A few days later, Tyler gets a price list and is blown away by how much it’s going to cost to make his kiddie clothing empire dreams a reality!
“They’re so high…I just don’t see any justification for them!” Tyler says.
(Surprisingly, he’s talking about the clothing prices, not his family members.)
Tyler is mad that one of his items tripled in price to make. (Maybe the price of crushed velvet went up or something?)
He’s all fired up, claiming that he will NOT be responsible for price-gauging the children of Michigan and will somehow figure out a way to fulfill their plaid-and-pleather leggings needs! He also refuses to take his business to China, in order to prevent someone “bleeding out of their fingers for 50 cents an hour” while he’s sitting on the money throne in America.
Later he calls up Karen at the sewing place to get some answers. She informs him that, because they have so few orders, it costs more to manufacture each piece. Karen proposes that they make a bunch of a few styles– 200 pieces each to be exact.
Tyler, being the super-successful businessman that he is, tells Cate that you know it’s a good deal when “none of the parties are satisfied.”
When we check back in with Ryan and Mack in Tennessee, they’ve made it home from the hospital with Stella. While reminiscing over their daughter’s birth, Ryan mocks Mack for being in pain during labor, as only he would do.
He mentions that, after Mack was given an epidural, she was “feelin’ good.” (Ryan looks a little jealous that he, too, wasn’t given a hit off that eppy.)
Ryan says that this birth was cool, being that he was actually present this time. (Back when “Jaggy” popped out, Ryan was in The ‘Hab and wasn’t able to attend.)
The next day, Maci, Taylor and the Oopsie Babies welcome Bentley off the bus and congratulate him on becoming a big brother for 73rd time. Over at the Edwards’ house, Jen tells Ryan how excited she is to spoil her first granddaughter like “a princess” while Ryan shares his plan to turn Stella into a “grease monkey.”
Ryan tells his parents that Stella is a breeze and basically sleeps all day – a statement that is quickly shut down by Mack, who has clearly been doing all of the grown-up work herself.
“No, not really,” she says.
Mackenzie looks unsure as to how she’s going to raise two babies, a Huddle and a Ryan.
Finally, we head back to Indiana to see what kind of machinery Ambie has the current “love of her life” hooked up to. She’s trying to explain to Dimitri that she wants him to take a lie-detector test but the poor guy looks confused and scared, and likely has no clue what the hell this crazy American woman is talking about.
He keeps smiling and nodding. (He knows that, since Amber is wearing her “Velma from Scooby Doo” glasses, this must be something serious.)
Amber tells him that she wants to know that Dimitri is here for her– the prize that she is— and not for other reasons. Amber admits that she has terrible “trust issues” with men.
Um…girl? You’ve got that all wrong. You have issues because you pick terrible men. Literally you find the worst possible specimen from the male species…and then you find someone even worse than him. I have two words for you: Matt.Baier.
Later, they scurry on down to the testing center (which we will assume is the trusty local “Any Lab Test Now!” franchise). The polygraph expert (whose name is Marvin because…of course it is) asks Amber why she’s strapping this poor scared foreign dude to a lie-detector machine. She explains that she has trust issues due to her past relationships.
Soon Amber leaves and the testing begins. It’s pretty ridiculous, as Dimitri isn’t even hooked up to any machines or anything. His voice levels are just measured by Marv’s laptop (or something).
Marv asks Dimitri if he has any skeletons in his closet.
Um…this dude doesn’t even speak English. How the hell can you tell if he’s lying if he doesn’t even have any idea of what he’s being asked.
Ugh. I am so done with this bootleg Maury!
After this trashbag of a test, Amber is wheeled back into the room to find out the results. Marv reveals that Dimitri did not lie about his name, and Amber is very proud. (Um….yay?) Dimitri is determined to have not profited from Amber’s fame or money, and that he’s not with her for her cash.
It’s also determined that Dimitri has no other girlfriends currently besides Amber. (Shocking, I know…) Marv tells Amber that she “has a keeper.”
Um, thanks, Marv!
Soon, they are back on Amber’s couch, discussing the test. Amber says she doesn’t understand why people don’t love her.
Um…because most of the time you are completely terrible? Just a thought…
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here!