It’s been a few weeks since we last swung on down to Ye Ole Holler to check in with Mama June and her gang of jobless yokels, so put on your blinged-out imitation Crocs shoes, streak some Kool-Aid through your hair (and/or wig) and let’s get to it!
This crapisode starts off with a recap of the last episode, which showed Mama and her daughters getting together for some much-needed (TV) therapy with a (TV) doctor, Dr. Ish Major. They all get a chance to tell Mama what a crap bag she is, and also get to hit stuff with baseball bats.
Hey— no one took a swung at Mama with their Louisville Slugger so I’d say this sesh was a win. #Progress
Dr. Ish tells the girls that Mama is a selfish gluttonous crapbag because her Mama was a selfish gluttonous crapbag. And that seems to get the girls to forgive Mama…at least enough to consider putting on some hideous Pepto pink dress from Fanny Jo’s Bumpkin Boutique and get their “pitchers” taken with Mama at her wedding.
Mama claims that she’s now putting her “children” (who are all adults basically) before anyone else. (I’m assuming Justin counts as one of June’s “children” since he’s basically the same age and she had to buy him new teeth and stuff?)
Now, we’re in Alabama, where June and Justin are heading to get some assorted sea creature claws to shove in their gullets, as June brags about how her daughters love her again.
The waitress greets June and Justin. (I’m pretty sure the waitress is legit named “Nausea.” That’s probably not a great name to have in her line of work but whatever…)
June asks Nausea for some gator bites to gnaw on right quick (as you do). Justin orders sweet tea (which will likely come in a kids’ cup with a cartoon alligator on it).
June tells Justin she’s ding-dang exhausted from all the feelings talk and whatnot that weekend. June says all the crying made her dehydrated. (Wait until she downs about 20 fried gator bites in five minutes, then she’ll really be dehydrated.)
Nausea delivers the gator, and Mama literally can’t wait a second. She jams her meat hooks into the basket and shovels a gator bite into her mouth, only to find it piping hot. She starts doing some weird cough/gag combo as Justin tells her it “ain’t a very smart move to take a hot gator bite and put it in yer mouth.”
June tells Justin all about the family therapy weekend (as she slops down her gator). Nausea comes soon after to deliver even more sea critters for Mama, who is legit just groaning in pleasure at the sight of them.
Jesus God. I need to stop watching this horrible show.
June tells us that she was happy that Jessica finally came out of the closet to her. She’s also pleased with herself for finally letting her girls tell her how bad of a mom she was and not trying to fight back.
She says it’s the first time her and the girls have really expressed their “fillings” about one another.
Justin’s happy to hear of the progress. (He’s also probably happy to hear that the restaurant has a dessert menu and June’s in a good mood so he might get the Lil’ Sea Captain’s Sundae!)
June says that she and the girls agreed to talk each week, and to stop ignoring each other’s calls. She also reveals that the girls are considering coming to the blinged-out beach wedding.
Back at Pumpkin’s, the girls are just arriving back from the therapy weekend. Pumpkin doesn’t want to tell Josh that things with Mama went well, since she thinks he will be unhappy to hear that Mama has, once again, wormed her way back into the girls’ good graces.
They are barely through the door and already all of Pumpkin’s ankle-biters are climbing all over her and Alana. The whole room just looks…sticky.
Like, even more than usual.
The girls tell Josh about the weekend, and Josh is understandably skeptical to believe that Mama has suddenly made a complete turn-around and is no longer a flaming diaper pail of a person.
Josh tells us that he would rather have Pumpkin and the girls keep June and her chaos at a distance. He would also like June (and whatever toothless minion she has as a soulmate this month) to stay away from their house.
Pumpkin protests, but Josh holds firm that he doesn’t want June at his home, and he doesn’t want her around the kids.
Later that week, Mama June calls to do her “check ins” with all three girls. Everyone seems shocked that Mama has actually done what she said she would do.
Back at June and Justin’s abandoned Jazzercise studio-of-a-house, June excitedly reveals that she’s found the perfect wedding planner. Now she has a date, a location (in Panama City, Florida) and a planner. She calls up Wedding Planner Edee and tells her that she wants the entire “Hillbilly Hog Heaven” Weddin’ Package: a candy bar, dance floor, and everything smattered with rhinestones.
June explains that she chose to have the wedding in Panama City because her and the girls “always came there” and it has good memories for them. She also tells the planner that her daughters will be walking her down the aisle.
Justin reminds June that the girls haven’t even agreed to go to this tacky trashfest, let alone walk her down the aisle.
The next day, Pumpkin is washing the youngins’ britches when she gets a FaceTime call from Mama. She tells Pumpkin that she wants her to come to the wedding, and that she’s even willing to shell out the money to get Pumpkin & Co. there!
Pumpkin doesn’t give Mama an answer about the wedding on Monday, so on Tuesday Mama calls Jessica to inform her that the wedding will include a smattering of the tackiest color combo possible: fuchsia pink, purple, coral and teal blue.
On Wednesday, she calls Alana to report the color scheme.
On Thursday, Mama calls Pumpkin to ask if they can all meet up with the assorted youngins at a park. Pumpkin says she needs to check with Josh about it.
The next day, Josh and Pumpkin manage to shuck all their crotch-goblins off them long enough to go out to dinner for a date night. Pumpkin is apparently going to waste the only free hours she has that she’s not elbow-deep in baby poo/other assorted bodily fluids to convince Josh to let her Mama see their kids.
Well…I guess that’s better than her and Josh banging out another Oopsie Baby ’round back of the restaurant by the dumpsters?
After ordering dinner (Pumpkin ordered “sal-man” because she’s fancy— no gator bites for this gal!), Pumpkin brings up that her Mama wants to meet up with the kids in the park.
She explains (with her mouth full of sal-man, naturally) that she wants the kids to have a grandma in their lives. Josh is understandably skeptical of this “new-and-improved June.”
Josh relents and agrees to allow the kids to go to the park with Pumpkin and Mama.
“What’s the worst that could happen, honestly?” Pumpkin asks rather cryptically.
(You KNOW something bad is going to happen whenever someone asks that fateful question!)
Now that Josh has agreed, Pumpkin asks “DaDa” if he needs anything. (Is anyone else creeped out that she keeps calling him “DaDa” when the kids aren’t there. I don’t wanna think of their sex games and whatnot. Make it stop!)
The next day is Mama’s meet-up with Pumpkin and the kids at the park. June is nervous as Pumpkin arrives in her van full ‘o’ spawn. It’s like a clown car, with kids exiting the car in all directions.
“Look how fat he’s done gotten!” Mama says of the red-headed youngin, “Bintley.”
Pumpkin is shocked that Mama drove three hours one way to see the kids.
“For once she’s putting somebody other than a man– or herself— first,” Pumpkin tells us.
Justin doesn’t stay at the park with the group. (Maybe he’s grounded and isn’t allowed to play?) He drives off, leaving Mama with Pumpkin and the kids.
Everyone is having a great time, and Ella tells Mama that she’s missed her. Naturally, Mama takes this as a sign that she should ask Ella to be in her wedding, even though she hasn’t discussed it with Pumpkin yet. She asks Ella to be her flowergirl and gets her all excited about it.
Ooooh, Josh is gonna be livid. I wouldn’t be surprised if Walmart-brand Mountain Dew comes steaming out of his ears when he finds out.
Of course, Ella runs right over and tells Pumpkin and the others that she’s going to be in Mama June’s wedding.
Pumpkin, Jessica and Alana are shocked that Mama had the balls to ask the little girl to be in the wedding, before even checking with Pumpkin first.
Pumpkin doesn’t lose her cool, though. She has Alana collect her offspring and take them to the car while she confronts Mama. June pretends to be totally confused as to why Pumpkin’s leaving, and why she’s mad at her.
“What?!” she asks innocently.
Pumpkin yells at Mama for asking the kid (away from Pumpkin), because she knew Pumpkin would say no. Mama clearly knew what she was doing by getting Ella’s hopes up to be in the wedding so Pumpkin wouldn’t say no.
I’ve been telling you guys: this woman is HEFTY BAG level trash. Always. Forever.
Pumpkin storms off, as June sits sadly on a swing in the now-abandoned playground, feeling sorry for herself.
As The Ashley always says, though, Hefty’s gotta Hefty.
Pumpkin goes home and reports back to Josh about Mama’s trashery. Josh is not surprised that June would ask Ella before talking to them about the wedding.
Also this happened:
WHAT IN THE WORLD!?
Josh is understandably mad about what June’s done, because it means they either have to break Ella’s heart and tell her she can’t be in the wedding, or go along with Mama’s escapades.
The next day, June calls Pumpkin to apologize, and Pumpkin forgives her. Pumpkin also encourages Mama June to fix things with Josh. Pumpkin hands the phone (which June is holding way too close to her face on FaceTime, creating quite the jump-scare moment) to Josh.
June asks Josh to come talk to her (and Justin, who must not have summer camp that day). Josh reluctantly agrees.
The next day Josh goes to meet June and Justin at a warehouse, which has spray painting and bats and stuff to break inside.
Honestly, it looks like a place June and Geno were living there during their drugged-out squatter days.
Mama tells Josh it’s a “Rage Room,” and that she has made signs that highlight all her trashbag behavior from the last few years. She’s hung them on things that Josh is allowed to break, because she hopes this will help Josh get over the anger he has for her.
Josh gets to take his frustrations out on junk in the room, while Mama and Justin watch.
June continues to insist she’s changed, and Josh continues to be skeptical. (But, you know, kudos to Josh for not taking the bat to June’s mug!)
That’s all for this episode!
To read more of The Ashley’s ‘Mama June: Family Crisis’ recaps, click here!